Sunday, December 2, 2012

Anita

"I love sex. I love the back door. Love horror movies, comic books and baseball/hockey games. I cook like a gourmet chef. I don't complain about much. I tell dirty jokes. I'm an artist. I have told a guy HOW to make me multiple orgasm, not assumed he knew. I brew my own beer. I play video games. I never bring a man shopping with me unless it's for lingerie or electronics. I love discovery channel and I watch porn.....
I'm a fetish pin-up and lingerie model."

 

Barf. I'd rather go down on the lady with a freezer full of dead ferrets.

Ferret Oh Ferret





 

 

 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Assignments

So, I had to see a psychiatrist for a year, and I had a lot of "assignments." Like, every week I had to do an "assignment" to get "better."  I'm going to copy two of them here. Keep in mind, I wasn't 12. This was like 3 years ago.

Assignment: Write an essay that describes the way you feel about your father.

About Dad

FRANK'S FATHER DIDN'T LEAVE HIS HOUSE FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS OF HIS LIFE. HE SAT ON A COUCH DRINKING FOR FIVE YEARS AND FORGOT TO GO OUTSIDE UNTIL HE DIED.

I TALKED TO FRANK TODAY. HIS FAMILY WENT TO AFRICA FOR A SAFARI AND TOOK ALL HIS CREDIT CARDS.

Assignment: Write a letter to someone who's important to you.

Dear Joe,

You are a sexy, sensitive, 90s badass.  I wrote this poem for you because I want you to know you are important to me:

Hey Joe.

Where you going with that gun in your hand

I want to be your man

But I'm a girl

Please don't hurl

When you read this

I heard you're an alcoholic

Me too

Love,

poop




Friday, September 7, 2012

I Could Die Anytime (Everywhere in America)

People Who Die in Mines

"Do you remember when those people like...died in that mine?"

"No."

"Yeah, it was called like, the fucking mine tragedy."

"No."

"Well people do that shit, Ryan. They fucking work in mines."

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"If I slept for half the year, or...if I 'slept off' half the year, then I must have spent 4380 hours watching pornography and eating prescription narcotics. There were other hours to be accounted for, I guess. I showered sometimes because I had one night stands, sometimes. I guess I ate things. I had a job for a while, but I only got the job so I could buy a gun."

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"Someone told me guys shit their pants once a month. Like, that is a 'thing.' He said, every guy shits their pants at least once a month, but nobody talks about it. I said, 'I don't think so dude. I don't think that's a 'thing.' I feel like that only happens to you. Subjectification of experience. I don't know.' He said no. He said, 'Every guy shits their pants A MINIMUM of once a month, if they tell you no, they're lying.'"

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"This guy told me he was, ugh, bringing his mail order bride over here. He went online to find a Russian slave whore or whatever, because American women were too, ugh...independent or something. Meaning, lack of destitution made it less likely, even under the most dire of circumstances, that they'd close their eyes while he climbed on top of them for 2-5 minutes weekly and disassociate. He said he was bringing her here. He said he was in love with her because he bought her Rosetta Stone."

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"I'm watching a video of people watching a video of people playing Street Fighter."

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"I think she slapped me in the face that night. I called her a fat bitch after she bought Park Place in Monopoly."

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"Sometimes I got sort of sad. If it wasn't looking into my iPhone like something interesting was happening inside of it, or typing things into the google search bar, I could be out doing seedy things. The seedy things I dreamed about. Talking on pay phones and fucking in motels. Taking cabs with strangers to stranger places. Who could possibly be a stranger to me now?

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"I was looking into the mirror of a Walmart bathroom, that was bizarrely garish. Framed in rococo style curtains. An Asian female employee kept looking at me and laughing hysterically while saying, 'Looks like I did messes in my pants.'"

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"Everyone on the television is screaming. All the time."

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"The golden suicides is my idea of a romantic comedy."

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"A sexual thought sometimes starts with the idea of someone loving me. Sometimes I'll think about a person I want to love me and imagine things I would say to them when we loved each other. Then I get bored and masturbate to the thought of someone shoving a giant hook through my tits or something. I don't think you understand."

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"I'd love to be friends in the same way I'd 'love' to drink a bucket of cum, vomit it up, have someone piss in it and then drink it all again."

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"Without drugs 'this' would not be possible."

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"My friend Ehren had a hole in his black shirt so he colored his chest black with a sharpee marker."

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"A gay colostomy bag satanist who was maybe schizophrenic, talked like Snagglepuss and was completely unaware of social jokes. He had the special power of cutting extra, extra thin meat in a downstairs basement."

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"Jesus comes when I come."

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"And I think, 'that's the only story you REALLY need to know. The only important story about best friends forever. The story of fifty pieces of silver and the snapping of a branch."

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"It would be misleading to say I 'live' here."

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"Threesome reunion!" I say, with mock enthusiasm, and nobody laughs."

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"'Please godjesus please godjesus please god jesus. Don't make me, don't make me, don't make me.' I choose to ignore the voice in my head. It's not asking me why I'm talking to god, but, 'How the fuck the fuck do you think you're going to die? Idiot.'"

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"People are talking about Chuck Palahniuk and whether you can eat cum if you're a vegan because, 'Technically, it's an animal product,' I want to die. Die. Die in the summertime."

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Fuck It

You know in "Irresponsible Hate Anthem" where Marilyn Manson just screams "FUCK IT" over and over. I kind of feel like that's like exactly what's going on in my head all the time as I'm like, talking to people and doing daily activities. Like, I have a kind of barely sad/ expressionless face, but in my head there's a soundtrack of "FUCK IT, FUCK IT, FUCK IT."

And yeah, I listen to Marilyn Manson on the reg because I'm a teen goth forever.

I have the kind of anxiety where I want to like, rip chunks of my flesh off. I can't though, you know, because I can't show up to a job interview looking like a bathsalty motherfucker.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

"The One That Got Away"

"'Just to think of it makes me sick,' 'It made me lose my appetite,' 'It turned my stomach,' are well-known sentences that translate the difficulty in digesting what one is thinking about.


This is what nausea is. It represents the sick feeling about something that is going on in a person’s life. Someone or something is making this person sick.

Vomit is an even more categorical expression of revolt and defence. Vomiting simply means refusal to accept. 'I am not digesting this.'"

My eye is is red and watering and I thought, "Maybe I have an infection in my eye," and then I thought of that "joke" people tell where someone is like "What's the republicans' healthcare plan?" and someone is like, "Don't get sick, lol." Then I thought about like, christian scientists and I was like, "That seems right." Like, I just want to die of a really bad cough or something.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

But Seriously

One of my Google searches yesterday was, "How did Christian Bale get his amazing figure in The Machinist?"

 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Untitled

I said, "I'm starving."

They said, "What?"

I said, "I'm just hungry, lol. But I'm 'probs' not going to eat anything because it's too much effort."

They said, "Lol. Order a pizza."

I said, "Can't even be bothered dude. 'fuck it.'"

I thought about those signs that say, "If you lived here, you'd be home by now."

I thought, "If I stopped eating 40 days ago, I'd be dead by now."

I guess the point is, if you really want to achieve something, start today, because you might look back on it 40 days from now and wish you had.

 

 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Seriously Folks

Some dude, in my high school yearbook, wrote, "Dear Raye, keep on lovin' Joy Division."

Just As I Drifted Off...

I imagined telling someone, unironically, "Your writing reminds me of E.L. James."

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Untitled

I want to say something else about animals, it involves a neurosis I have about my dog. Every time my dog is in the car with me, we're going somewhere he likes. We're going to the park, or to go for a hike in the mountains, or the dog park. I worry that whenever I leave the house to do something where I can't take him, he thinks I'm going to the dog park or hiking or whatever without him. It makes me feel really sad.

 

Regarding BFFs

My best friend told me he would shit in someone's mouth for me the other day. That seemed really "intense." Seemed like the most "ride or die" thing I could think of. Seemed a lot nicer than saying, "I love you," or something like that.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

So I've Got Some Advice For You Friend...

"I'm a 43 year old woman, married for 19 years, and I need your help! Like most middle aged moms, I read Fifty Shades of Grey. I understand that it's fiction. But it has motivated me to spice things up in the bedroom. The problem is that my husband is a dud. He's not open to trying anything that isn't missionary or doggy. That's the extent of it. I feel I've tried everything. He's happy with the way things are. Period. What do I do?"

-Woman Has Interesting Perversions

B-B-B -Bruise 'em, you'll never lose 'em

 

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Are YOU A "Magical Person"?

The Rich & Healthy Witch: The Essential Survival Guide For Magical People.

"If you are a magical person by nature, then you need to read this book."
"Magical people - people who have magical talent, the second sight, visions, precognitions, dreams, creativity and imagination - suffer from a lack of understanding and support from their non-magical families, at school, at work and in society at large."


That said, this may or may not be the most amazing sentence I've ever read: "Silvia - you make more sense than anybody I've met before in this world. It's like when I read what you write, I recognize ME. You are talking about a world and way of living that I can finally understand and relate to. I love the idea of eating like a magical person - how logical is that!"


Sort of feel like that person's definition of "logical" is like "fucking insane" or something. Sort of feel like the person who wrote that sentence is truly the most "magical" person that has ever existed.






 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

An Interview With Myself

Why did you post a short fiction story called Blood, Cum Shit, Piss earlier?

Thanks for asking. I really like that story. I was thinking of the housewives who find my blog by searching for "fifty shades of grey excerpt" and thought they would like to read Blood, Cum, Shit, Piss.

So, I've been reading your blog lately. Do you hate people who are more successful than you?

Oh, Definitely.

What do you write poetry about?

Mostly like, AOL instant messenger convos, texts, people making me mix tapes and jacking off on my face, stuff like that. But sometimes Everybody Loves Raymond and dog rapes.

Who reads Deathcapades?

It's a really eclectic mix. I think like, my friends from around the country, people who used to put their penis inside me, stalkfuckers, people searching for porn.

I heard you were "in a bad place" how many different kinds of prescription and non prescription drugs are you currently taking?

Thirty-seven.

So, you're writing a novel. Is it any good?

No.

Do you hate yourself?

Yes.

Do you think you're going to kill yourself some time during the coming week?

Well, I've been doing this thing before I fall asleep where, I don't cry or anything, because I'm on too much medication, but I just say "GODJESUSFUCK" over and over again in my head like two to three hundred times followed by "kill me in my sleep" another two to three hundred times. I would like to say that I'm going to kill myself this week, but I told myself I would not attempt suicide again until I have a gun, and I really can't afford one at the moment.

Last question. What are you thinking about right now?

I'm thinking about how I introduced these people at Burning Man a few years ago, and how they got married yesterday, and how I'm now responsible for their future devastating emotional and financial ruin. I'm also thinking about how Mel Gibson was on The Tonight Show last night and I missed it, and how I hope I can find it on Youtube.

Thanks

Blood, cum, shit, piss

And also vomit.