Sunday, March 25, 2012

A. Baum

Cause of Death: Officially unknown.  *RUMOR HAS IT* He had himself baked into several oversized cakes, to be delivered to everyone he'd ever had a falling out with.

"You know the worst thing a parent could hear?"
I don't respond to his question.
"That their child is selfish enough to have killed himself. The worst thing. Hands down."
I turn over in the sterile, uncomfortable mental hospital bed to ignore whatever point he is attempting to make.  As if I am going to let some 40 something, small town, tough lovin,' male nurse motherfucker make me feel less than I already do.

I'm in a mental institution for a "Suicide attempt." I prefer the term "Exhaustion." I imagine a crow smashing through the window and pecking the male nurse's face into something Nagel-esque.
So, I guess I forgot to write a suicide note. After surviving a "Suicide attempt," I find myself in the glamourous Ventura County Mental Hospital where I am writing a post suicide note. I wish I could write it in Wingdings. You know, to get it out of the way if I find myself in suicide purgatory again.  I guess a lot of things landed me here. I've been struggling with drug abuse since I learned to drive. I feel I was raised in a suffocating enviornment as someone I clearly am not, I've never had a serious relationship, and I am so manic that I self destruct before I even begin. Everything I've ever cherished I have lost as a result of my emotional downfalls. Every opportunity that has been presented to me, I have destroyed, mercilessly, and I can recall the last time I was sober and truly happy - it was when I was 11- that terrifies me. I'm 22 now.  Whether I will be genuinely satisfied ever again is a serious point of contention. All of these things  race around in my head on a daily basis; however, are not necessarily the reasons I find myself here today. No, I just think I am "Exhausted." Suicide letter cliches aside, I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The term "Exhaustion" is the best public relations term any agency has ever created to mask what's really going on with someone. Rather than reporting that someone has been on a drug and alcohol binge leading to a complete, dibillating, collapse, they report that the person is suffering from a bout of "Exhaustion." I truly am exhausted.

"What do you mean?"
"We mean that we aren't coming to run and see you everytime you try something like this. Not anymore. It happens all the time."
"Well, I'm exhausted, and can't believe that my own fucking parents won't come to see me after I try to kill myself again."
"Are they treating you nicely?"
"Quite frankly, no, but what the fuck do you care?"
"Whatever, I gotta go."

"You need to start talking to us."

"Um, I'm "Exhausted" and my friends are coming to visit me here. One of them is bringing me a corndog. Atleast my friends come and see me. Says a lot. Thanks for letting me call collect. Bye."

Exhaustion (ig - zaws - chuhn)
1. The act or process of exhaustion.

2. The state of being exhausted.

3. Extreme weakness or fatigue.

4. The total consumption of something.

The total consumption of something pretty much sums it up. "Something?" Something meaning life. I am utterly "Exhausted" of trying.

"Exhausted" of contemplating the rest of my life.

"Exhausted" of not being able to eat all day.

"Exhausted" of waking up and going through the motions of having to eat, shit, and take care of myself.

"Exhausted" of aging.

"Exhausted" of aging without plastic surgery.

"Exhausted" of imagining my old, drug scarred, wrinkly skin.

"Exhausted" of trying to explain anything to anyone.

"Exhausted" of having to make small talk.

"Exhausted" of imagining myself alone and decrepit in old age.

"Exhausted" of imagining speeding in a car and veering off of a cliff.

"Exhausted" of stealing peoples sleeping pills to assemble a large prescription death cocktail.

"Exhausted" of writing this note.

"Exhausted" of throwing chairs at the cops that put me here.

"Exhausted" of money and hustlin'.

"Exhausted" of just wanting to be genuinely content.

"Exhausted" of having to get fucked up to feel remotely alright and then feeling even more like shit when I'm not fucked up anymore.

"Exhausted" of always falling in love with someone who doesn't feel the same.

"Exhausted" of my voice.

"Exhausted" of bills and life maintainence.

"Exhausted" of wiping my ass.

"Exhausted" of the concept of love.

"Exhausted" of remembering when I realized people lose their magic in adolescents.

"Exhausted" of phonecalls like the one I mentioned earlier in this letter.

"Exhausted" of soul searching.

"Exhausted" of entertaining people.

"Exhausted" of wondering why I don't feel guilty.

"Exhausted" of people losing their hard - ons.

"Exhausted of sex.

"Exhausted" of people with damages.

"Exhausted" of people without damages.

"Exhausted" of people.

"Exhausted" of being "Exhausted."

Yes, I did in fact list some things that led me to this; however, I feel the term "Exhaustion" pretty much sums it up. I'm just "Exhausted", and you know what, I'm probably too "Exhausted" to try to kill myself again, but until then this will be my note. I hope you never feel "Exhausted." Tah tah.

I can't do this anymore.

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