Cause of Death: Unknown
Dear family, friends and collegues,
I had to do this- my two selves were becoming more than I could handle. I was becoming so anally retentive, even my suicide note has a works cited page. I didn’t want to be that person at age 50, reciting to my young teeny bopper friends, “only 80% you have to give to society, but that 20%, it’s that 20% you have all to yourself” while wearing a wig and Joan Crawford makeup. Even worse, I could have ended up like Harry Russo playing “shoots and fucking ladders”. Thanks, Fort Worth, TX aka Whataburger Jr.
Love you lots.