Cause of Death: STAGE FRIGHT
There are literally countless reasons to kill myself.
I am 28 years old.
I have a bachelors degree…but
I work at a Chilis in Moore, Oklahoma.
People here are so fat we had to remove all the booths
And replace them with tables so they could fit.
It also creates more space for
Oxygen tanks and insulin kits.
My degree is in art.
The last creative thing I did was
Make a bacon and egg waffle house
Mobile out of construction paper
And fishing wire.
I live in a house with someone who
Farts all day long.
Sometimes he farts so hard
He has to excuse himself to use
The bathroom because he came
to shitting his pants.
My “boyfriend” and best friend
Of 6 years hates me.
He would rather watch movies
Then actually love me.
We broke up months ago
But we still live together.
I go to bed every single night
Next to the love of my life
And I cant do anything but
Hope he wakes up one day
(Sooner than later)
And decides he wants to love me back.
I haven’t had sex in 6 months.
And I don’t really see a light at the end of
My bipolar medication makes me
Have to sleep for at least 10 hours a day-
But im so broke
And have to work so many hours-
I cant get that kind of sleep
And so I am a zombie most of the time.
I cry myself to sleep almost every single night.
I have become an Oklahoma housewife.
All I do is wash dishes and cook dinner
And spend my one day off cleaning up
The only time I leave the house is to
Meet up with people I hate to
drink until I black out.
I am having such a hard time-
But I live thousands of miles away from my family
And closest (only) friends.
I have rolled myself into debt.
I started smoking again
After quitting for a year and a half.
I cant afford my therapist.
I am the ugliest I can ever remember being.
Like ive come undone.
Like everything is ending before it
Ever had a chance to begin.
I feel like I have worn people down.
I have worn myself down into a lesser
Version of something.
I am far far far away.
(whatever that even means).
But the reason why I am going to kill myself
Has nothing to do with any of this.
The reason why I am going to kill myself is
Because im bored and
Theres nothing on TV.
Im going to kill myself because
I cant handle seeing Tom Cruise
If I am dead-
I don’t have to do laundry tomorrow.
Or put gas in my car.
Or take a shower.
Or respond to text messages.
Or get out of bed.
Or do anything, really.