Thursday, March 22, 2012

Untitled

Cause of Death: STAGE FRIGHT

 

There are literally countless reasons to kill myself.

I am 28 years old.

I have a bachelors degree…but

I work at a Chilis in Moore, Oklahoma.

People here are so fat we had to remove all the booths

And replace them with tables so they could fit.

It also creates more space for

Oxygen tanks and insulin kits.

My degree is in art.

The last creative thing I did was

Make a bacon and egg waffle house

Mobile out of construction paper

And fishing wire.

I live in a house with someone who

Farts all day long.

Sometimes he farts so hard

He has to excuse himself to use

The bathroom because he came

‘this close’

to shitting his pants.

My “boyfriend” and best friend

Of 6 years hates me.

He would rather watch movies

About love

Then actually love me.

We broke up months ago

But we still live together.

I go to bed every single night

Next to the love of my life

And I cant do anything but

Hope he wakes up one day

(Sooner than later)

And decides he wants to love me back.

I haven’t had sex in 6 months.

And I don’t really see a light at the end of

This tunnel.

My bipolar medication makes me

Have to sleep for at least 10 hours a day-

But im so broke

And have to work so many hours-

I cant get that kind of sleep

And so I am a zombie most of the time.

I cry myself to sleep almost every single night.

I have become an Oklahoma housewife.

All I do is wash dishes and cook dinner

And spend my one day off cleaning up

After people.

The only time I leave the house is to

Meet up with people I hate to

drink until I black out.

I am having such a hard time-

But I live thousands of miles away from my family

And closest (only) friends.

I have rolled myself into debt.

I started smoking again

After quitting for a year and a half.

I cant afford my therapist.

I am the ugliest I can ever remember being.

I feel…so….

Sad.

Like ive come undone.

Like everything is ending before it

Ever had a chance to begin.

I feel like I have worn people down.

I have worn myself down into a lesser

Version of something.

I am far far far away.

(whatever that even means).

But the reason why I am going to kill myself

Has nothing to do with any of this.

The reason why I am going to kill myself is

Because im bored and

Theres nothing on TV.

Im going to kill myself because

I cant handle seeing Tom Cruise

Ever again.

Also-

If I am dead-

I don’t have to do laundry tomorrow.

Or put gas in my car.

Or take a shower.

Or respond to text messages.

Or get out of bed.

Or do anything, really.

Bye.

 

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