Thursday, May 31, 2012


No one person has shaped who I am more than you. I want to thank you for destroying my youthful idealism and making me realize the world is a cold, dark, loveless place that is oppressive and suffocating. Without you, I could never have achieved my status as an alcoholic underachiever with no self respect. You light up my lyfe.

j/k. It's obviously my dad's fault. LYLAS.

I didn't know what to get you, so here are the most amazing pictures of dicks I could find on craigslist.

Also, did you write this?


"Hello Ladies, i am looking for something specific, i want to mess around with Boobies, in particular boobies that are either full of sweet milk or boobies with nice big puffy nipples. if you have either of these please get in touch with me, i am not necessarily looking for sex, but if it goes there then so be it but that will be for you to choose if we do that or not. PLEASE PUT WHICH OF THE TWO QUALITIES YOU HAVE IN THE SUBJECT LINE. Pics are a must to prove you are real and serious. "

The shadow of  this beautiful penis on this beautiful milky leg is "stunning."

FUCKING teen dream.

Not sure if this is the scariest penis I've I've ever seen. Seems like it's "alive" independent of this person's body. Like if you touched it, it would have a conversation with you in moon language.

Plz admire my "huge" sweet penis in my tite car. Love u.

I love Tabasco, don't you?
Maybe the next time I'm in your neck of the woods
I could add a little spice to your life?

This is a picture of a dick taken in the mirror and the title is "DOUBLE VISION." Feel like I laughed about it for 5 straight minutes. Good human.

This feels REALLY funny to me, not really sure why. Just like..slight muffin top, striped panties and a little scary "peep" hanging out.

55 yr old Male: I don't want to be your husband, your 24-7 boyfriend or your best friend forever. I just want a friend with benefits once a week for a couple of hours.

This person is doing a really good job.

I may never stop laughing about this. This is the text accompanying the following photo: WANT TO GET PREGNANT?

Hello there, ladies. I know that one thing that many women really stress out over is pregnancy. The constant wondering of "when will I find the man who's child I will carry?" are over. You don't have to do that. This is pretty much free insemination. Yes, as with anything else on this site; there is a sexual bias. I want to give someone the gift that means so much to so many. If you're interested; HMU, and we can try to find you a new life.

There's a light coming out of his "fat upper penis area" let him impregnate you for real. Muh fuckin second cumming.

Not even sure if this is a penis. Looks like some type of root.

Here's some pics of dicks next to things such as $$$ so you can get an idea of "scale."

I think I'm "done" now. My desktop is so full of dick pics. Have a good one.


Wednesday, May 30, 2012


I want to say something else about animals, it involves a neurosis I have about my dog. Every time my dog is in the car with me, we're going somewhere he likes. We're going to the park, or to go for a hike in the mountains, or the dog park. I worry that whenever I leave the house to do something where I can't take him, he thinks I'm going to the dog park or hiking or whatever without him. It makes me feel really sad.


Regarding BFFs

My best friend told me he would shit in someone's mouth for me the other day. That seemed really "intense." Seemed like the most "ride or die" thing I could think of. Seemed a lot nicer than saying, "I love you," or something like that.

Saturday, May 26, 2012


Do you all know what "erotomania" is? It's like--you know those "crazy" people who stalk celebz because they think the celeb is in love with them? That's what it is. It' doesn't have to be celebrities though. It can be anyone. It's basically just thinking people are in love with you all the time. Like--interpreting people's normal behavior as signs that they are in love with you. This is what wikipedia says about it, "During an erotomanic episode, the patient believes that a 'secret admirer' is declaring his or her affection to the patient, often by special glances, signals, telepathy, or messages through the media."

I know people suffering from an erotomania episode wind up killing people sometimes and stuff so it's like--"dark" kind of, but when I read about it, I can't help but feel that that seems like---fucking fun, lol. Seems like that would be an extremely fun lifestyle. Seems like people suffering from erotomania are "magical people."

I feel like I have the anxiety, depression, bizarre thinking and morality, and like--neurosis/unpredictability of a mentally ill person without any of the really fun parts of being mentally ill like having fun delusions and hallucinations or something. Seems like it would be "hella" fun to think everyone was in love with you and that they were sending you secret sexy messages.

Does someone want to take a shitton of acid and go to the carwash with me? I want to take "mad" acid hits, go to the carwash several times with change money from my purse, and draw pictures of monsters while listening to pet sounds. Let's do that. Like, now.


I kind of want to email a craigslist casual encounters dude. Not for fucking, but because he said he had a pool. Just want to ask like, hey dude, I really want to go swimming. I don't want to sleep with you but I went to a "prestigious" art skewl I can show you how to take really classy cock shots, what do you say?!

This is a conversation that took place yesterday:

A: He's definitely not gay, but he's "gay." He's the reason the world sucks. Men like him run it. Disgusting.

R: He likes blowjobs better than sex. Hallmark of an ego maniac.

A: That reveals so much.


R: I made a playlist of every song I can think of about masturbating. It's really "good."

A: I have to hear it.

R: I'll post it on DC

A: Thank God.

R: You should read about monarch sex kitten programming. Google that shit. Courtney Stodden.

A: I just got done explaining BF and Courtney Stodden and 50 Shades of Grey and you to my bandmate and her boyfriend. They were litereally jawdropped, and told me if we don't do BF, they're going to shoot

R: Yeah, it's pretty amazing, get me that press release, lol.

A: They were amazed, for hype/u. I wish I could have recorded it for DC. It was at like a bar full of ppl watching a baseball game.

OMG, I'm walking down the street listening to a couple talk about the definition of "a freak" AHHHHHH so amazing.

R: LOL, that's amazing. Write it down.

A: "I just don't know what a freak is? I mean, I don't know what that is."

"Well in my understanding, it's someone out of the ordinary."

"But how or why? I just don't understand."

R: hahahahahahahaha

A: This is happening.

R: I'm so happy for you.

A: God I wish u were here slash I wish I had a dictaphone.

R: You should tell them to listen to "Freak on a Leash," tell them it will shed light.

A: LOLOLOL. I'll tell them to google KoRn reverse the R caps sensitive.

R: hahahahahahaha


A: I told them! LOLOLOLOL.

R: Shut up, lol nah ugh. What did they say?

A: I said, "Hey, sorry to eavesdrop but I couldn't help myself. I was confused too. Google KoRn reverse the r caps sensitive, I think things will start making more sense in the end" I literally just stopped them and said that to them.

R: ahahahahahaha. Damn. That's amazing.

A: They didn't say anything then laughed really uncomfortably and then the guy said, "I didn't think anyone was listening, but thanks anyway."


Friday, May 25, 2012

Every Song I Can Think Of About Masturbating

This is basically what my Catholic education taught me about sex:

Not sure if he is the creepiest, most pedophile looking motherfucker I've ever seen. Bless him. Guilt is delicious. That's why there's a gold framed pic of Jesus that stares directly at my bed.

I put ADIDAS on it for my bestie, lol, and Roxy Music for G. Hope you're taking a "sensual bath" with a foxy ginger, bb.

I made this playlist, it's really "good." Whether you're spending your Friday night together or alone, just remember "BREADS" y'all.

There's a blood red sun outside, I'm scared. Some of these songs aren't "technically" about j/o or whatever, but I think they qualify.

One Last Thing

I dreamt about fucking sentences last night again. It's getting really intense. This isn't the first time this has happened. It was happening to me a while ago too. Dreaming of fucking sentences. I don't even know how to explain or elaborate on it.

It's like--my mind dreams of writing sentences. Maybe they're supposed to be decoded in some way or something. I've written some of the sentences down before that I was dreaming about, but they're pretty "nonsensical."

They're things like, "Submarines have been dictating our lives for centuries." Or, "Cat lives of human people."

Last night--the sentences were long and overly complicated. I can't remember but they had something to do with erasing something from a piece of paper, and erasing your life.

I tried to google dreaming about sentences and google was like, "GTFO of here. What are you talking about? You're fucking schizotypal."


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Time To Move

So, I'm going to apply for some jobs in cities where I know people. Jobs that I am probably ridiculously unqualified for where I will exaggerate my accomplishments as a writer and art director and sell myself as a creative genius in a psychopathic manner. If I get one, y'all should be expecting a temporary house guest. Some of y'all have slept on my couch for a fucking year and shit, so I think it's fair. Plus I will clean your house and cook for you and have free sex with you if you want whether you're male or female, gay or straight. Really doesn't matter. J/k (right?)


UPDATE: Dude, I just watched "shit burquenos say" and I totally do all of that shit. "He's 'all' tall" LOL. Fucked. I also end words that end in "ing" with "een." Like, you know what I'm talkeen about?" I don't sound like the girl in the video, of course, but in a subtle way, I do all of those things, including calling all sodas "coke."

Also, I noticed, something that's not in that video...I remember when I moved to CA when I was like--18, this guy was telling me that his mom married a 19 year old, and I said something like, "Damn, she can pull out for him, lol." And the person was like, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Pulling out" means buying alcohol for someone here. Apparently people in other places have never heard that term used in that context.

I've actually never heard the term "are you gonna get down" used by anyone in NM, in reference to getting out of the car. I never heard that term until I moved to South Texas. Literally everyone there uses it.

I also heard the REM song "Losing My Religion" and thought it was some metaphorical, sensitive bullshit or something, and then when I lived in Georgia, I realized it's a phrase people use there to describe getting angry, "blowing your cool," or whatever.

Anyway, I'm sure that's sufficiently boring. I feel like every post this week has had a "learning" component or something. I find "intellectualism" oppressive. I'm sorry. At least I present all information in a type of language, with types of inconsistent punctuation and syntax that suggest I might be functionally retarded. I'm fucking reckless, ride or die. Goodnight everyone. I love you. Hope you have a blessed day tomorrow.

My Godfather Or Whatever

I decided to google my dad earlier, I don't know why, because I was bored, I guess. Without getting into who my dad is, because whatever, I'll just say he's a music industry dude that I see like once every two years, lol. I mainly wanted to see if I could find any really stupid pictures of him or something. Somehow I found this blog where this dude was talking "mad" shit about him, lol. I have no idea who the dude is. You couldn't leave comments on his blog. I really wanted to leave one that said, "Dude, I'm fucking telling on you." Anyway, this blog he wrote talked about a bunch of other people I know, including my godfather who was apparently a pretty hard partying dude in the day, but I guess now he's a priest, and I guess he was giving a eulogy at a funeral and the people who hired him wound up suing him because he said in reference to the dead guy,  "The Lord vomited people like Ben out of his mouth to Hell." 

The complaint also said that, "As Mansfield walked to the grave, he laced his comments about Martinez -- a former town councilman -- with profanities."

LOL, the internet is fun sometimes.



Standup Guy

This Happened

So, I got expelled from school when I was like 12 or something for writing a profanity laden tirade, lol. I remember being really upset about it, and thinking like--I have no future because I got expelled from a school, it was true that I had no future, but not because I got expelled from school. I remember like--hanging out in a closet because it was dark and drinking orange juice.

Anyway, the guy who told on me for writing a profanity laden tirade, became my friend like a year later, I wrote about him a while ago, he's the guy who is dating a porn star, blew a .40 and has a brain tumor. I don't remember how I became friends with that guy after he got me expelled from school. I think he had a crush on me, for a long time. He wound up dating a friend of mine (a friend at the time, not now) who went over to my mom's house the year I moved to CA, and like, told my mom she had just had an abortion, and could see the dead fetus talking to her as an ornament on the Christmas tree. These are the stories behind small details of my writing, lol.  ANYWAY (again) I remember the first day I hung out with that guy. He took me to his friend's house, and his friend was the child of this prominent attorney, he was a complete freak. I feel like these people were all into like hanging out in underground tunnels and doing witchcraft and stuff. I do stuff like that now as an "adult" on acid and stuff, but when I was 13, it was very whatever.

We went into the backyard, I don't know why, and I don't know why digging in the dirt happened either. All I know is, somehow, we were digging in the dirt and we found this large stash of drugs including the largest bag of cocaine I've ever seen. So this prominent attorney dug a hole in his backyard to hide his drug stash including the largest bag of coke I've ever seen. I remember doing bumps of said coke, but like--only enough so that this dude wouldn't notice that coke was missing from his giant bag of coke  I heard he hid his drugs in the yard because he had a prostitute girlfriend and like...needed to hide his shit in a place she wouldn't find it or something like that. This is a true story. Scout's honor, even though I'm not a scout.

I wanna post a link to that attorney's local commercials, but I'm afraid like--someone will read this and be like that dude has a coke stash and prostitute girlfriends, but whatever. I think it's fine as long as I don't like tag it or mention his name or anything. Well, I'll make it a different post, lol. I'll make a new post for that video, the post will be called, STANDUP GUY.

UPDATE: It might not have been that much cocaine. I don't know. I was like 13, it could be really hyperbolized, but in my mind it's like a half full one gallon bag or something...

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


People's thoughts about eating are so fucked, I think. People are so fucking aggressive about peddling their thoughts about eating onto you, lol. Like what the fuck is that? It's kind of "disturbing" to me in a way. Earlier someone was eating gorgonzola crackers, and they were like, "Eat one of these," and I was like, "Oh, no thank you. I don't like gorgonzola." And the person continued to try to convince me to eat a cracker for like 10 minutes while saying, "If you eat one it will make me really happy." Like, why the fuck would it make you REALLY happy if I ate something I don't like?

Monday, May 21, 2012

Other Stupid Nothing

I read this interview with Lou Barlow when he was like 28 where he talked about being motivated to do things because of hating people. It made me feel still insane, but not as insane. It made me feel "better."

He also called that behavior "macho" though. I'm not sure if it's "macho." I don't know if hating people and wanting to like--"outdo" them is masculine. I don't know. I try not to think about stuff like that very much. I try not to think of my behavior in masculine or feminine contexts. I try to just think of being like--a human or something. I don't try to have a "feminine" perspective or anything. You know--make myself an "other" or whatever. I wish I could make pornography choices based on just "humans" fucking or something. I think I wrote a short story about something similar to that. Like some self loathing guy who wanted to train himself to get boners for "smart" people. If I find it I will post it here, it's probably really stupid. I probably won't find it. I probably won't post it here.

I just saw a pretty woman with gapped teeth and thought, "I am really attracted to pretty women with gapped teeth." I think I would find a really pretty woman "prettier" with gapped teeth. I'm really into physical flaws, like scarred faces, or people who are like extremely thin or like out of shape or something. And also dirty people. I don't mean people who don't shower or whatever, but like--people who are literally dirty. Like covered in dirt with like--black shit on their face or something. Like maybe they were cleaning or doing yard work, I don't know. It really doesn't matter.

I need to "get out" more. Luckily tomorrow I will sip tea while talking about my novel with people who are 20-40 years older than me.

Speaking of getting out more I heard the following conversation about me today:

S: "If she's dead, somebody should let me know."

E: Nah, she's not dead, I just saw her. She's just being 'gay.'"

S: "Gay vs dead, is one better than the other?"

E: "I guess in Oklahoma, maybe."

And speaking of this conversation referencing my likely death and "ironic" homophobia, two people found my website today by searching for "gay people are icky." YAY :D

I also heard the term "small beer" today in reference to solar flares. I'm obsessed with space. Another neurosis. I have to fall asleep watching something space related every night, but that's another issue. Anyway, if you would like to use "small beer" in a sentence, this is what it means: triviality: something of small importance.

Random, Stupid Day Thoughts

I feel really guilty about this, which is why I'm saying it publicly. Like, maybe it will ease the internal guilt I feel to talk about being a "shitty" human or something. I feel REALLY guilty about only watching porn with "white" people. Like--I feel like I need to force myself to watch porn with non "white" people or something. Is it like "normal" to feel neurotic about that? Does anyone else feel neurotic about that? I feel fucked. I would rather people just know that I only watch porn with "white" people, and that I feel really fucked and neurotic about it.

I also sometimes have cravings for food I don't even really like. Like, I have been craving mish mosh soup from Canter's all day, and I don't even really like it. I just order mish mosh at Canter's because it seems better than like--anything else at Canter's. I only even ever go to Canter's because it's open 24 hours, and also because I kind of hope I will see Rodney Bingenheimer there.

Fuck, you guys. H8 myself.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Solar Eclipse

I live in the best "urban" city for viewing the solar eclipse. SWEET. So excited. The only positive thing I can think of that has happened here for the past ten months, and it will last approximately four minutes. I'll take a picture or something.

Update: Kind of hope the sun burns out my retinas.

Update: FUCKING anticlimactic.


  • I stalk fuck people that I hate, and sometimes, openly, publicly, pretend to like because in my mind, I am having a competition with them. Sometimes while stalk fucking them I think, "I am losing today," and that is generally what motivates me to like--continue writing/living etc.

  • I drink at least 2 bottles of wine everyday, and take 38 sleeping pills. That's not a joke, or an exaggeration, literally 38.

  • I am pretty sure I've spent the last year writing the most aggressively boring novel in the history of time.

  • Last night I listened to The Man Who Sold The World and when I heard the lyrics, "I must have died alone, a long long time ago," I thought, "That pretty much sums up my life."


Saturday, May 19, 2012

I Almost...

Used the term "Nietzschean affirmation," in conversation today, and I have never hated myself more than in that moment.

Two Things

One: Today my mom asked me how old I am, I am also an only child, so--it can't be blamed on confusion or anything.

Two: I'm like really, REALLY "patient." To make me feel "angry" I feel like someone has to be behaving a manner that can only be described as "insane." That said, there is ONE behavior that makes me feel consistently enraged, and if you do that behavior, you can count on the fact that I will "snap" at you.

I have a SUPER hard time concentrating, so when I'm working, like writing, editing photos, etc, I always wear headphones. Sometimes I don't even play music, I just wear headphones so that I can't hear outside noises and people won't distract me. If you try to talk to me when I have headphones on, I will literally "freak out." Being distracted when I am concentrating is the only behavior I can think of, in regard to me personally, that makes me feel belligerent.

The thing is, if someone interrupts me ONCE, I can "deal" with that. I feel really irritated, but like--I can "deal" with it. It's when someone interrupts me more than once, like to basically say nothing, that I feel like I want to punch them in the face or choke them. Like I will probably "yell" at that person, and by "yell" I mean talk to them in a calm, "inside" voice while saying something like, "I wear headphones so that people will not interrupt me, please stop interrupting me, thank you."

So I've Got Some Advice For You Friend...

"I'm a 43 year old woman, married for 19 years, and I need your help! Like most middle aged moms, I read Fifty Shades of Grey. I understand that it's fiction. But it has motivated me to spice things up in the bedroom. The problem is that my husband is a dud. He's not open to trying anything that isn't missionary or doggy. That's the extent of it. I feel I've tried everything. He's happy with the way things are. Period. What do I do?"

-Woman Has Interesting Perversions

B-B-B -Bruise 'em, you'll never lose 'em


Friday, May 18, 2012


I've been wanting to write a blog post for a while directed specifically at BRADLEY SANDS because I know he reads this blog sometimes, and by sometimes I mean mostly everyday. But hey, everyone who reads this blog reads it mostly everyday. Some people even more, like three or more times a day. I bet they will read this post and feel really fucked, like I "caught" them. I'm not really sure why people read it, I think it's just like, "unpredictable" or something.  Also, I think I'm a recluse and an alcoholic, and people genuinely read it to see if I'm alive still. Sometimes I think about writing individualized blog posts about every single person who reads this blog over the course of like a month or two. I think that would be funny and exciting.

Anyway, BRADLEY SANDS doesn't have a Macbook. I read somewhere that he doesn't like The Room, and I felt very like, "concerned" about that. I wonder if he likes Showgirls, because it's my favorite movie. He seems like a really nice person who takes having a beard pretty seriously at this point.

I wonder if BRADLEY SANDS has Google alerts for himself. I was talking to another "writer" about this the other day who told me they had Google alerts to make sure that people weren't plagiarizing them. I was really drunk at the time so I nodded when the person said that, but if I'm being "frank," that makes no sense. Like--why would you plagiarize someone and then tag it with their name? I'm not sure if they meant something else...

If you're wondering who BRADLEY SANDS is, he is an author. You should go buy all his books right now. If I were to compare them to something else, I would compare them to Fifty Shades of Grey. Simple, well written, "edgy" yet tender tales of rich white people involving female slavery in the Pacific Northwest. I feel that BRADLEY SANDS writes the types of novels where, after reading them, your wife/girlfriend will be more open to the types of sex you would like to be having, but are too afraid to ask for. I would go so far as to say something like,"I promise," after that statement. Like--I promise reading BRADLEY SANDS books will make your wife/gf/whatever want to have more and weirder types of sex with you. If not, you can email the contact listed on the side of this website (not sure if it actually works, but I think so) and we can talk about it because if that doesn't work, you might be having a different type of problem.

If you are wondering what BRADLEY SANDS books are not like, they are definitely not like "Fratire," and some dude on is really pissed about it.

When I googled the name BRADLEY SANDS earlier, Google was like, "Oh, thanks for googling BRADLEY SANDS, here's some other people you might like to google," and one of them was named Carlton Mellick III. I read about him on Wikipedia and was like, "Whoa, that dude seems 'intense.' I wonder if BRADLEY SANDS is friends with that dude." I imagined them going out for coffee sometimes and saying a bunch of non sequitur things to each other while having really intense facial hair. I hope that happens because that would be really magical.

Anyway, just wanted to say "Haaaaaaaaaaaaay, girl," and by "girl" I mean BRADLEY SANDS. I read BRADLEY SANDS' book PLEASE DO NOT SHOOT ME IN THE FACE recently and thought it was really radical. It's better than Dthcpds. If you're reading Dthcpds three or more times a day, you could use a book recommendation, I feel.

BTW, this isn't some cheap ploy to get BRADLEY SANDS to mention me to anyone or anything, I just genuinely like his writing and beard. I'm actually REALLY shy and hate attention which is like--counterintuitive to wanting to be a writer or something where people need to like know who you are, I guess, but whatever.



I like saying REALLY mean things to my dog in a REALLY nice voice while rubbing his head and stomach.

Thursday, May 17, 2012


Exploit - to use or manipulate to one's advantage;  (sad emoticon)

Network - to cultivate people who can be helpful to one personally or professionally (happy emoticon)

Somehow, in my mind, replacing the first word with the second word seems inextricably linked to the current cultural obsession with vampirism as a sexy and marketable commodity.

In a similar vein (LOLOLOLOL I made a vampyre joke, GET IT?) I went to a party last night where a bunch of couples were drinking wine and eating types of obscure cheeses. They kept to themselves mostly, talking about a wide range of enthralling subjects such as "Destreza." Yeah, girl, google that shit. I don't want to be the kind of person who "shit talks" couples. I want to believe that people genuinely appreciate and love each other, but that's just not how it "feels" to me. I instinctively feel that relationships have a "goal," and that the goal is to fucking annihilate and destroy the other person by making them feel afraid and guilty about who they "are" physically, intellectually and emotionally. To slut shame them into changing their behavior to reflect what you find most appropriate and palatable. One or both parties always has an almost narcotically detached disposition as though their sense of "self" has literally been beaten out of them. If you're better at destroying the other person than they are at destroying you, you're like the fucking "winner" or something.

I just feel terrible, I think. I feel terrible about the way people behave with each other.  I think people feel really scared and sad and fucked. I think people are really afraid that people are "better" than them on some fundamental level. They're afraid of being a failure, they're afraid of being alone, they're afraid of being hurt by things. I feel like rather than that being a means of like "bonding" people, it becomes a means of "exploiting" them

I feel like that's some really "sick shyt," you know? It makes me want to give people compliments and hugs and tell them I like them more.




Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Saddest, Funniest, Most Beautiful Story I've Ever Heard

Sometimes this super amazing thing happens where like, things that would only happen in my imagination, happen in real life. Like, in my fantasy imagination land, I would probably write a story about a lonely aging woman whose child and husband die, and with the money they earned together, she buys a chimpanzee who becomes her only real love and source of solace in the world. Loving him, truly, like a son. One day, she and the chimp get so fucked up on red wine and xanax bars, that the chimp eats her friend's face and hands off and she is forced to stab it to death. After stabbing her chimp son to death, the woman is so despondent that she literally dies of a broken heart. The woman who got her face and hands eaten off by a drunk and barred out chimp wears wide brimmed hats and fancy scarves to cover up her hideous, severely disfigured face like some type of Invisible Monsters shit, and then gets a face transplant and shows it off on The Today Show.

Like...that REALLY is the fucking saddest, funniest, most beautiful story I've ever heard.

Friday, May 11, 2012


I'm reading things and analyzing things, and stalkfucking people who make me feel sad and marginalized and oppressed  and pretending to care and be angry through uncontainable, severe detachment because I'm supposed to be finishing a "novel" that no one gives a shit about. I have "writer's block" maybe. But it's more like the feeling of like--cleaning your apartment, and you're almost done cleaning, but there's random shit left. Shit where you're like, I don't want to throw this shit away, but like I don't know what to do with it. So, you sit down and watch 88 episodes of Saved By the Bell on Instant Netflix or write out "insincere," "thought provoking" types of rants.

Someone say something funny to me. Someone make me feel "motivated" someone feed alcohol into my mouth holes and China White and other types of opiates up my nose holes, and put things in my other body holes and make me not feel bored.

I am "fucked."

What I Think the Internet is For

the internet is for showing me pictures of different types of dicks made of things that are not dicks.

The internet is for promoting your "brand" in a world full of pictures of dicks made of things that are not dicks. As a girl, you can promote your "brand" by showing off your boobies in some type of "feminist" context and writing about dicks that are made of real dicks and how your vagina feels sometimes, and maybe when people ask you for the bad types of sex that involve the bad holes that you're not supposed to use from the bible.

If you're not a girl and you're just a person, you can promote your "brand" by saying "things" on "relevant" comment threads. These are the type of message board "brands" you can have if you're a person and not a girl because if you were a girl you would obviously be showing your boobies somewhere or getting fucked for the sake of internet film and literature:

The "brand" where you verbally curb stomp, then gore and fuck stranger's feelings because you think you're very talented and "good" and understand things, and are bewildered by your own fake irrelevance in a fake world made of boobies and real and fake types of dicks, and also articles about real and fake types of diseases and psychiatric disorders you might have.

The "brand" where you "shit talk" gore/fucking types of behavior by speaking in an extremely backhanded sarcastic tone. Kind of like you're a white, "educated" Christian person in a country full of types of "dark" people who possibly speak types of click tongue languages, and you need to explain to them that they don't "get it."

The type of "brand" where you "shit talk" "shit talking," and use words like "abstraction" to describe words like "good" and "bad" as though "shit talking" itself is not an abstraction, because your ego cannot handle any type of criticism, even though "criticism" is a fucking abstraction by a stranger in a fake world made of types of dicks and diseases.

The "brand" where you are like, commenting on a message board because you want to be more "relevant," and less lonely, but also don't really have anything important to "say" so you make up some type of sentence that's *kind of* back handed and sarcastic, but in a way that wouldn't be considered "shit talking" and throw in the word "chill" a few times.

The "brand" where you don't really understand "the internet" or "personas" and just say "sincere" types of things, and everyone disregards them to read more interesting things by other "brands" in the descending order I have listed.

J/K, the internet is not for being a terrible human, exploiting yourself and others, self diagnosing yourself with herpes and bipolar disorder, pixxx of dixxx, and finding new things to masturbate to. It's defs about  learning and connecting you to different people and cultures to create a more accepting, less homogenous world. Who the fuck wants to eat? HOORAY!!!



Wednesday, May 9, 2012

This is a Real Conversation

A: I'm watching Basic Instinct...again

R: I'm reading a book called PLEASE DO NOT SHOOT ME IN THE FACE

How are you?

A: I've had strep throat for 6 daze so I've been watching Sharon Stone movies in a feverish haze retardedly getting stoned and peeing.

R: LOL I've started to just like--pee on people's floor's at times I'm not sure what prompted it, really

A: LOL it's amazing

Remember I used to piss in Carona bottles and leave them under A---'s sink?

R: I guess like...just feeling like "fuck it" and I hate everyone and like why would I not just pee on this person's carpet?

I think I will pee in someone's bed soon

A: I pee on houses more than I do in toilets

pee during sex

R: I want to think of more ways I can "lash out" at humanity


R: I'm not sure if peeing in weird places is a sign that you are either severely mentally ill or like on "drugs"

A: LOL Both

R: I think "both" also

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

My Mom Treats Me Like I Am Wikipedia

My mom treats me like I am Wikipedia.


"Name every book by Christopher Hitchens."

"What's an areola?"

"How did Peter Steele die?"

"Who is Richard Yates?"

"Name every type of opiate medication."

"Name every type of hypnotic."

"Name every type of benzodiazepine."

"What is Sanskrit?"

"What is an Aryan?"

Then like--a few days later she will ask me the same questions, and tell me another story about cute dead animals or corpse rapes of children or something. She also loves death metal.

Monday, May 7, 2012

In Reference To Eating Like a Magical Person

I realize I referred to an entire paragraph as one sentence, but I had just gotten back from an 18 year old's birthday and I was like "fucking high," or whatever.

In other news, I used to fuck this guy. Tomorrow is his birthday, he will probably spend it getting a "blowjob" while talking about getting published and putting out an "EP." I will spend it styling a photo shoot called, "SPIRITS IN THE MATERIAL WORLD," where, "Spirits refers to alcohol," and, "Don't worry, no need to bring fairy wings, we've got them." THANK GOD.

Not saying I'm going to "kill myself" just saying I'm going to eat 10-30 Xanax bars, "Like a magical person."

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Are YOU A "Magical Person"?

The Rich & Healthy Witch: The Essential Survival Guide For Magical People.

"If you are a magical person by nature, then you need to read this book."
"Magical people - people who have magical talent, the second sight, visions, precognitions, dreams, creativity and imagination - suffer from a lack of understanding and support from their non-magical families, at school, at work and in society at large."

That said, this may or may not be the most amazing sentence I've ever read: "Silvia - you make more sense than anybody I've met before in this world. It's like when I read what you write, I recognize ME. You are talking about a world and way of living that I can finally understand and relate to. I love the idea of eating like a magical person - how logical is that!"

Sort of feel like that person's definition of "logical" is like "fucking insane" or something. Sort of feel like the person who wrote that sentence is truly the most "magical" person that has ever existed.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Guy Fixing My Air Conditioner

I lecherously stared at the man fixing my air conditioner today while taking sexy cam photos of him on my iphone. He tried to talk to me about football and I pretended to listen. This is what it looked like:

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

My Thoughts On "Thoughts"

I told someone once that, "People say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I think it's really unrealistic delusion." The feeling of  ignoring your fucked and cynical inner monolog and instinctively  feeling you will never be bored by that person or have negative feelings about them.  Like, the nicest feeling toward another person is being stupid for them.

That felt really true to me at the time, in the way that a lot of things seem true to me at certain times. I feel like, you'll think about a "thought" and go, I've taken that thought as far as I can take it. I've taken that thought to some kind of "endpoint." And then, those endpoints of thoughts become a greater "worldview."

I'm beginning to think that my new "worldview" involves not having a "worldview." That thoughts really don't have an "endpoint." Besides some really boring like, "Nothing means anything," type statement. It seems like every time I have brought a thought to an "endpoint," I later realize I didn't take the thought nearly far enough.

I started thinking about relationships and how in the beginning of them you think in these really unrealistically delusional statements like, you will kiss me, and I will feel all my feelings at once. It will be wonderful.  And like we will read to each other, and cook dinner together. Like--we will grow old together and enjoy ourselves forever. Moments with you will be so wonderful that I will be effectively dead in them. That seemed very romantic to me previously, but now it seems very boring.

I started envisioning getting into a relationship with someone and having this conversation where, instead of imagining nice things, we would imagine all the future horrible things we would do to each other. Like, One day, a spider will bite me, and the bite will become necrotic. I will go get antibiotics, then I will have a severe allergic reaction and have to go to the hospital. Then when I get home, you will break up with me because you figure I am already having a 'pretty bad' week and should take it all in one lump sum. We still have a lease together though, so I will start taking Xanax and Oxycontin everyday with the guy who is sleeping on our couch because he thinks he has a brain tumor and is afraid of the ghosts in his apartment.

Or like, One day you will feel sad and suggest that we go to Mexico for the day to get pedicures and margaritas, but I will be hungover from drinking JD and snorting coke lines and would rather lay in my bed contemplating my existential narcissism. You will get really mad at me and take an overdose and fall down in the kitchen slurring your words. I will ask you 'what in the fuck is the matter with you,' you will tell me you hate your parents, and I will laugh at you, and say you are 'spoiled' and 'dumb' and then call someone to take you away to the mental institution.

And the sentences wouldn't end in some like, "I felt so happy I was effectively dead" type statement. They would in like an "I hated you and hoped you would choke to death on your own vomit for a really long time, but then one day you sent me a link to a video of a cat on Youtube with some simple message like, 'I really miss being friends,' and the world felt very like--fucking beautiful in that moment," type statement.

Feeling something like, We will have awkward first time sex with each other, and it will pretty much be a shit show from there. You will cheat on me, and I will hate you and possibly try to kill myself, then you will send me a cat video on Youtube and everything will feel very like--fucking beautiful in that moment, now seems like the nicest possible feeling I could have toward a person.

I don't know if that "makes sense" or something, but whatever.

I think, also, part of my "worldview" of not having a "worldview" might involve constantly asking myself if, "LITERALLY everything is funny."