Friday, May 18, 2012

HEY BRADLEY SANDS

I've been wanting to write a blog post for a while directed specifically at BRADLEY SANDS because I know he reads this blog sometimes, and by sometimes I mean mostly everyday. But hey, everyone who reads this blog reads it mostly everyday. Some people even more, like three or more times a day. I bet they will read this post and feel really fucked, like I "caught" them. I'm not really sure why people read it, I think it's just like, "unpredictable" or something.  Also, I think I'm a recluse and an alcoholic, and people genuinely read it to see if I'm alive still. Sometimes I think about writing individualized blog posts about every single person who reads this blog over the course of like a month or two. I think that would be funny and exciting.

Anyway, BRADLEY SANDS doesn't have a Macbook. I read somewhere that he doesn't like The Room, and I felt very like, "concerned" about that. I wonder if he likes Showgirls, because it's my favorite movie. He seems like a really nice person who takes having a beard pretty seriously at this point.

I wonder if BRADLEY SANDS has Google alerts for himself. I was talking to another "writer" about this the other day who told me they had Google alerts to make sure that people weren't plagiarizing them. I was really drunk at the time so I nodded when the person said that, but if I'm being "frank," that makes no sense. Like--why would you plagiarize someone and then tag it with their name? I'm not sure if they meant something else...

If you're wondering who BRADLEY SANDS is, he is an author. You should go buy all his books right now. If I were to compare them to something else, I would compare them to Fifty Shades of Grey. Simple, well written, "edgy" yet tender tales of rich white people involving female slavery in the Pacific Northwest. I feel that BRADLEY SANDS writes the types of novels where, after reading them, your wife/girlfriend will be more open to the types of sex you would like to be having, but are too afraid to ask for. I would go so far as to say something like,"I promise," after that statement. Like--I promise reading BRADLEY SANDS books will make your wife/gf/whatever want to have more and weirder types of sex with you. If not, you can email the contact listed on the side of this website (not sure if it actually works, but I think so) and we can talk about it because if that doesn't work, you might be having a different type of problem.

If you are wondering what BRADLEY SANDS books are not like, they are definitely not like "Fratire," and some dude on Amazon.com is really pissed about it.

When I googled the name BRADLEY SANDS earlier, Google was like, "Oh, thanks for googling BRADLEY SANDS, here's some other people you might like to google," and one of them was named Carlton Mellick III. I read about him on Wikipedia and was like, "Whoa, that dude seems 'intense.' I wonder if BRADLEY SANDS is friends with that dude." I imagined them going out for coffee sometimes and saying a bunch of non sequitur things to each other while having really intense facial hair. I hope that happens because that would be really magical.

Anyway, just wanted to say "Haaaaaaaaaaaaay, girl," and by "girl" I mean BRADLEY SANDS. I read BRADLEY SANDS' book PLEASE DO NOT SHOOT ME IN THE FACE recently and thought it was really radical. It's better than Dthcpds. If you're reading Dthcpds three or more times a day, you could use a book recommendation, I feel.

BTW, this isn't some cheap ploy to get BRADLEY SANDS to mention me to anyone or anything, I just genuinely like his writing and beard. I'm actually REALLY shy and hate attention which is like--counterintuitive to wanting to be a writer or something where people need to like know who you are, I guess, but whatever.

 

6 comments:

  1. Hey. I like your blog. I see Carlton sometimes. I'm going to write fratire.

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  2. Trying to leave a comment is all fucked.

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  3. You ttly have Google alerts for yourself (haha.) I didn't know what "Fratire" was, but I read about it for a while. Seems to involve referring to women as different types of farm animals and like--kind of shitting on someone's couch while getting a blowjob or something. I'm not sure if my writing is "Fratire." I read that Tucker Max is from ATL and listens to "Hardcore Gangster Rap" I also lived in ATL and am listening to Dead Prez right now. I also sometimes drink vodka at 10 AM and cry while listening to The Chronic. I have been wondering why I don't feel like I "fit in" in any type of lit scene, but it never occurred to me that it might be because I write "Fratire." I'm scared. Fratire friends forever.

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  4. Having google alerts to see if anyone is plagiarizing you doesn't make sense unless you're using specific key phrases, and that's kind of insane. I get google alerts once a week, but it doesn't work very well. I found this blog entry when I searched for my name.

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  5. I typed out like 20 different sentences about googling yourself, but I deleted them all because I hated them. I wanted to say something about googling yourself being "endearing" in a certain way, but didn't want to elaborate on that statement, so like, I'm just going to say something else. I think you should write fratire from the POV of Mel Gibson. You could call it like--"SHUT UP AND BLOW ME," or like "WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO EAT?" Or something.

    Yeah, I'm telling you what I think you "should" write. If you don't write that, I will read your next book and give it a one star review, even if it's free.

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