Wednesday, May 2, 2012

My Thoughts On "Thoughts"

I told someone once that, "People say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I think it's really unrealistic delusion." The feeling of  ignoring your fucked and cynical inner monolog and instinctively  feeling you will never be bored by that person or have negative feelings about them.  Like, the nicest feeling toward another person is being stupid for them.

That felt really true to me at the time, in the way that a lot of things seem true to me at certain times. I feel like, you'll think about a "thought" and go, I've taken that thought as far as I can take it. I've taken that thought to some kind of "endpoint." And then, those endpoints of thoughts become a greater "worldview."

I'm beginning to think that my new "worldview" involves not having a "worldview." That thoughts really don't have an "endpoint." Besides some really boring like, "Nothing means anything," type statement. It seems like every time I have brought a thought to an "endpoint," I later realize I didn't take the thought nearly far enough.

I started thinking about relationships and how in the beginning of them you think in these really unrealistically delusional statements like, you will kiss me, and I will feel all my feelings at once. It will be wonderful.  And like we will read to each other, and cook dinner together. Like--we will grow old together and enjoy ourselves forever. Moments with you will be so wonderful that I will be effectively dead in them. That seemed very romantic to me previously, but now it seems very boring.

I started envisioning getting into a relationship with someone and having this conversation where, instead of imagining nice things, we would imagine all the future horrible things we would do to each other. Like, One day, a spider will bite me, and the bite will become necrotic. I will go get antibiotics, then I will have a severe allergic reaction and have to go to the hospital. Then when I get home, you will break up with me because you figure I am already having a 'pretty bad' week and should take it all in one lump sum. We still have a lease together though, so I will start taking Xanax and Oxycontin everyday with the guy who is sleeping on our couch because he thinks he has a brain tumor and is afraid of the ghosts in his apartment.

Or like, One day you will feel sad and suggest that we go to Mexico for the day to get pedicures and margaritas, but I will be hungover from drinking JD and snorting coke lines and would rather lay in my bed contemplating my existential narcissism. You will get really mad at me and take an overdose and fall down in the kitchen slurring your words. I will ask you 'what in the fuck is the matter with you,' you will tell me you hate your parents, and I will laugh at you, and say you are 'spoiled' and 'dumb' and then call someone to take you away to the mental institution.

And the sentences wouldn't end in some like, "I felt so happy I was effectively dead" type statement. They would in like an "I hated you and hoped you would choke to death on your own vomit for a really long time, but then one day you sent me a link to a video of a cat on Youtube with some simple message like, 'I really miss being friends,' and the world felt very like--fucking beautiful in that moment," type statement.

Feeling something like, We will have awkward first time sex with each other, and it will pretty much be a shit show from there. You will cheat on me, and I will hate you and possibly try to kill myself, then you will send me a cat video on Youtube and everything will feel very like--fucking beautiful in that moment, now seems like the nicest possible feeling I could have toward a person.

I don't know if that "makes sense" or something, but whatever.

I think, also, part of my "worldview" of not having a "worldview" might involve constantly asking myself if, "LITERALLY everything is funny."

xx

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