I read this interview with Lou Barlow when he was like 28 where he talked about being motivated to do things because of hating people. It made me feel still insane, but not as insane. It made me feel "better."
He also called that behavior "macho" though. I'm not sure if it's "macho." I don't know if hating people and wanting to like--"outdo" them is masculine. I don't know. I try not to think about stuff like that very much. I try not to think of my behavior in masculine or feminine contexts. I try to just think of being like--a human or something. I don't try to have a "feminine" perspective or anything. You know--make myself an "other" or whatever. I wish I could make pornography choices based on just "humans" fucking or something. I think I wrote a short story about something similar to that. Like some self loathing guy who wanted to train himself to get boners for "smart" people. If I find it I will post it here, it's probably really stupid. I probably won't find it. I probably won't post it here.
I just saw a pretty woman with gapped teeth and thought, "I am really attracted to pretty women with gapped teeth." I think I would find a really pretty woman "prettier" with gapped teeth. I'm really into physical flaws, like scarred faces, or people who are like extremely thin or like out of shape or something. And also dirty people. I don't mean people who don't shower or whatever, but like--people who are literally dirty. Like covered in dirt with like--black shit on their face or something. Like maybe they were cleaning or doing yard work, I don't know. It really doesn't matter.
I need to "get out" more. Luckily tomorrow I will sip tea while talking about my novel with people who are 20-40 years older than me.
Speaking of getting out more I heard the following conversation about me today:
S: "If she's dead, somebody should let me know."
E: Nah, she's not dead, I just saw her. She's just being 'gay.'"
S: "Gay vs dead, is one better than the other?"
E: "I guess in Oklahoma, maybe."
And speaking of this conversation referencing my likely death and "ironic" homophobia, two people found my website today by searching for "gay people are icky." YAY :D
I also heard the term "small beer" today in reference to solar flares. I'm obsessed with space. Another neurosis. I have to fall asleep watching something space related every night, but that's another issue. Anyway, if you would like to use "small beer" in a sentence, this is what it means: triviality: something of small importance.