Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Random Ass Shit


  • Recently, when someone invited me to hang out, I organically thought, "I guess I will do that because I feel like talking about myself, and I'm bored of being alone." It was the first time I had looked at social interaction in that way and I felt appalled and also comforted in some way. Like, I felt like I understood humanity more.

  • When I was in Taos I kept thinking, why is everyone wearing Southwestern print clothes, and why does everyone have a weird ass haircut? I realized, then, that I was wearing Southwestern print clothes and had a weird ass haircut.

  • I try to search for things on google that will be exciting/funny for the person to see on their analytics "keywords" page.

  •  I get so wound up with anxiety by the end of the day that I feel like I'm going to die. I spoke about my sleeping pill consumption which is "alarming" by any standard, but anyway, I used to watch The Cosmos every night. Just over and over and over, then somehow I started looking at Tumblr porn gifs. Now, I fall asleep looking at Tumblr porn gifs. It's just really soothing. I feel like the fact that I find Tumblr porn gifs and Mel Gibson screaming about cunts/panting incredibly soothing, enough so that it's the only way I can fall asleep/calm myself down, might mean something is SERIOUSLY wrong with me. Like I am suffering from some kind of mental illness for sure. As if that weren't already apparently obvious.

  • I think if there was some type of philosophical zombie or machine that looked and felt like a real human and could fuck you like a human, I would probably prefer that to a "real" human. Because it would never say things like, "You're being 'crazy,'" or, "Your drinking is really becoming a 'problem,'" Or like, "I would prefer if you could talk about your 'feelings' like a 'normal' person." Or, "We need to have 'a talk.'" I tell people that I am not interested in having 'a talk' at any point, EVER, and they laugh, and think that's "cool" but then inevitably always wind up trying to have 'talks' with me anyway, and then I get drunk at ten in the morning and wish I was dead because everyone is a liar.

  • I want to tell people that I really like their "work" a lot, but I never do, because I'm afraid they will think I "want" something from them. Like I want to associate with them to become relevant/or I want to see their penis in my vagina/mouth because they wrote something and some people read it. Since I am a fuck up and don't know how to behave normally, I try to just tell everyone I know to like pay attention to that person, because that seems as good or better, maybe than just telling them I think they are "good." and that I would probably want to be their friend in real life it seems like.

  • The things I expect to REALLY devastate me never do.

  • I feel like my dad might be dead, and I feel like I will just find out five years from now, it will just be mentioned in passing, and then I will be like, "Oh, I've suspected that for the last five years, but didn't know who to ask." It's also equally likely he just doesn't want to talk to me, because he thinks I'll ask him for money, and let's be honest, I probably would.

  • Last two texts I sent people, "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta," and "I'm so bored of child rape."

  • I have never faked an orgasm.

  • I'm not sure if depression is a mood disorder or a perception problem. Like, I kind of want to kill myself all the time, and often try, but I think what I'm feeling, which is constant loneliness, regardless of my social standing or relationship status, and constant existential despair is just what "being alive" feels like.

  • I am working on a "controversial" essay and drinking coffee while swallowing handfuls of prescription and non prescription medication ; )

  • Goodnight.


 

 

 

 

 

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