Saturday, August 11, 2012

Ice Angel

So, earlier I was getting drunk with a bunch of people, well actually, I wasn't getting drunk. I had one drink the whole night. It seems like I was in a mood where even feeding liquor into my mouth hole seemed too exhausting a prospect. At some point someone poured me tequila out of a bottle shaped like a buddha. I stood there staring at it for like 30 seconds without moving, and then they cocked their head and said, "Do you need a straw?"

I showed up late, and everyone was kind of "shit faced." I don't know. Everyone was talking about their  "exciting" careers and they kept "reminiscing" about things, and yelling things that seemed non sequitur. At some point someone brought up the olympics and there was a long period of time where a bunch of people just yelled out names of people who competed in the olympics. Like someone would be like, "Michael Phelps" and someone was like, "Bruce Jenner," and other people, and then someone was like "Flo Jo" and then some really drunk person kind of slurred out, "She's dead..." and then everyone was silent for a little while and then someone was like, "Yeah. That's sad."

Okay, so, it reminded me of this "funny" story from when I was a kid, but it's kind of complicated to explain. I used to hang out with a girl because of close proximity, and since I didn't really have any "friends" or like a "family," she used that as an opportunity to constantly be as shitty as possible, lol. Like, she would basically say things like, "If you don't do everything I say, you can sit here by yourself in the corner and I'll go play with other people and we'll come back and make fun of you," which like, at the time, was sort of like, "emotionally distressing" to me. So anyway, during the time of the 1994 winter olympics, I was in second grade, I think, she made me play this game where...(I'm like, laughing alone in the dark as I'm typing this) she made me play this game where, she was Nancy Kerrigan because Nancy Kerrigan was beautiful and "America's Sweetheart" and stuff, and I was Tanya Harding because she was like a trashy meth bitch or whatever, and so, I would have to be Tanya Harding, and I would have to act out like, "clubbing" her while other children like scowled and booed and she pretended to cry, but then she would do a fake skating routine and everyone would clap and like, put a tiara on her head or something.

So, one of the dudes at this "gathering" was like "famous" in the 80s or something, and he said, "You should tell your friends that I don't even know what Facebook is. Like, isn't it just, essentially a storage space? Isn't it just a place where people are like, 'Here's a picture of my dog, and here's a picture of me holding a big ass fish. Why does anyone care?' Tell your friends I don't know what Facebook is if you want." I just kind of stared for a long time and didn't say anything. And then this woman started talking about how she's  tired of being drunk and rich and just wants to like, be a midwife. Then everyone started talking about "healthcare" and malpractice insurance and stuff, and then I made a "joke" about how I maybe have an eye infection and hope I just die, and no one thought that it was "funny" and then I felt the feeling where I want to commit suicide every time I say something out loud, and then this woman started telling me I have stuff to live for, and that all I need to do is like, get a tincture drop of my own piss and put it in my eye because it cures "conjunctivitis."

Basically, in my mind, I just kept thinking like, "I think my 'soul' only exists like five percent," and like, "I'm pretty much 'already dead.'" And then as I was leaving this woman gave me a bunch of fur coats, and just said, "Take these, and, you know, whatever you can get for them," and then she handed me a bottle that's specifically made for collecting piss.


  1. Yeah, I hate hanging out with 'white people', too.

  2. this is one of the best bits you've written i like it a lot

  3. Oh yeah, I forgot maybe the "best" part. Melissa Etheridge was playing. Like the, "Come to My Window" album.