Friday, August 24, 2012

SEXCAPADES

Okay guys, let me introduce you to the new DC "column." The writer of this column will be known as "SexyVixen6969" and if you would like to email questions for the column, there will be an email for it eventually, but we couldn't think of a good one so, for now, just send them to sisterraye@gmail.com and I will "forward" them. SexyVixen6969 was late getting me its column this week, lol so normally it will be on Wednesday. Hope you all enjoy.

Q: Dear SexyVixen6969,

 Is he just not that into me? Or is he just a face fucker?

I am currently seeing someone who kisses me as if kissing is an alternative form of sexual penetration. Imagine irrumatio, but replace the penis with the tongue. When he does this I usually just let my tongue lie in my mouth. This does not deter him in the least.

He’s not the kind of man who responds well to verbal criticism, so I can’t just talk to him about it over a latte. He usually picks up on subtle physical and sexual cues in the moment, but when he kisses me like he’s drilling cement he doesn’t seem to sense that I’m not enjoying it, no matter how unresponsive I am.

Are there subtle things I can do to show him that I like being kissed in a more gentle and traditional manner, short of covering his mouth with my hand?

If someone face fucks you instead of kissing you, is it more likely that they think it’s genuinely sexy, or that they are doing it consciously/subconsciously as a means of distancing themselves from you emotionally?

I really like him, but sometimes I wonder if he just sees me as an orifice.

Sincerely, TongueTraumaGoddess

A: Dear TongueTraumaGoddess,

I have some questions for you:

a.       Seeing someone? Are you dating this face fucker?

b.      After he drills your mouth with his tongue does he drill your hole with it?

c.       Do you like being viewed as an orifice?

When someone you are “seeing” is doing weird shit with his tongue that feels penetrative, it usually means he has NO idea what he’s doing. He probably has watched a lot of porn and just thinks this is how normal people kiss. I don’t think he is emotionally distancing himself via tonguing you aggressively.  If this guy is more fetishistic, then you need to give him a shot of whiskey and ask him if he is into tonguing, and then map out a way to make it work so you don’t feel like you’re being tongue raped. It all depends on your relationship with this lasher.

You’ve tried passive tonguing and seem frightened to talk to him, so here are your options:

The next time he goes in for a deep tonguing beat him to it. When he opens his mouth and approaches, you need to violently start lashing your tongue and start going tongue crazy. He will either hit you or retreat in confusion, hopefully, the latter. It is hard for dudes like that to see how they are coming off, so you have to mirror them to show them how ridiculous and out of touch they are.  When he says, “what the fuck?” you need to tell him to tongue you more in the vein of “waiting to exhale” rather than that of porn and ask him if you are just a hole to him. If he says “yes” then either leave, hit him, or say, “ok, let’s do this”. If he says “no”, then work it out and stop being frightened of confronting him. You are BOTH in this relationship, so you gotta make the sex part work for both of you. Don’t be so passive.

Or                                                                                                                                      

The next time he comes in for a tongue fuck, grab his head, spit in his mouth, and take him down south and shove his head in to your crotch and tell him to go insane. Don’t give him another option. If he tries to come up for air, choke him and push him back down until the job is done. Oh yeah, scream “C’MON C’MON C’MON “! I recommend this more for a trick or fuck buddy, you have nothing to lose since he sucks at tonguing.

Does he face fuck you with his cock? Maybe suggest he take his tongue energy and fuck your mouth with his cock instead. Remember steady breathing techniques.

If you don’t like being an orifice then maybe you should go to church or a ball game and meet a nice guy that doesn’t see you as just flesh with dick holes all over it. It’s all up to you!

Q: Dear SexyVixen6969, 

I've never had an orgasm. I don't know what to do? I've tried everything. I'm a girl in my late twenties and on the brink of hysteria. Any tips?

Sincerely, DamnedOpenings

A: Dear DamnedOpenings,

Sorry, I read your question but was too distracted by the long, deep, satiating, creamy orgasm I was just having. Phew! It feels great.

Maybe you should just have a baby and give up. Hopefully the baby will grow up to have a lifetime of orgasms since you can’t. Then you can resent your child and maybe then you will be able to cum from hate fucking yourself in your old age.

Or you can go here: www.cosmopolitan.com/sex.../Reasons-You-Dont-Have-an-Orgasm

Yeah, it’s cosmo.

Q: Dear SexyVixen6969, 

I just started dating an older guy. He's terrific. Mature, sexy, and super hot in bed. After dating and fucking so many guys my age and being unfulfilled, he's heaven sent. I've never been into older guys, but he's totally changed the way I think. He was over at my house and saw a picture of my dad. He asked about it and I told him he passed five years ago. The next night, he came over and kept calling me by my childhood nickname. Then, during sex, he kept telling me to call him "daddy." Here's the thing, I'm REALLY into it, do you think that's weird?

Sincerely, GhostDaddin'

A: Dear GhostDaddin'

Do I think it’s weird? Depends. I think if you are into it then maybe you should start dressing him exactly like your dad and introducing him as such to your friends. It will also be fun to take him to family dinners dressed like your dad and see who says something. The question you need to ask yourself is WHY are you into this? And more importantly, why is HE into this? Open discussion about this is very important. If you question his motives then you should tell him that you were lying and your dad is alive and see how he reacts or if he sticks around. I would worry more about intentions rather than weirdness. He might only be attracted to you because you are open to him assuming this role, and you have to ask yourself if you are into it. Also, if things get too emotionally entangled and intense as things progress within this paradigm then maybe going to therapy as daughter and dad might help. Introduce yourself as daughter and father for the first session and then on the second visit reveal the truth and see what the therapist says. If it doesn’t weird YOU out and you think this guy is not a total creep, then get your father daughter freak on.


 Q: Dear SexyVixen6969, 

Do you spit or swallow?

Sincerely, KeyBoarder26

A: Dear KeyBoarder26,

I literally read this question while chugging Nyquil and smoking a joint. It was fucking boring.

Theories about you:

a.       You’re a 14 year old who is jerking off right now.

b.      You’re a late twentysomething who is as interesting as a 14 year old.

c.       You are at a frat party perhaps jerking off with a buddy, but you TOTALLY aren’t gay.

d.      You have never pleasured a woman truly and probably never will.

e.       You are in your late twenties and have spent your whole romantic life leeching off of women. They pay your way, rent, etc. You prefer blowjobs because you are sexually inadequate and have never made your girlfriend/“daddy” cum. You don’t really do anything good for society and have never had a real job. Maybe someone should cum down your throat.

Oh, and I do swallow. I think its rude not to.

Q: Dear SexyVixen6969, 

What are your thoughts on "anal" and what song do you recommend when trying it for the first time?

Sincerely AnalTunesBro

A: Dear AnalTunesBro,

I would recommend Toto's "Africa."

Duh, I love anal.

Q: Dear SexyVixen6969, 

What's a "nice" way to ask a girl if she's a prostitute?

Sincerely, Anon

A: Dear "Anon,"

Throw a quarter at her and see what she does.

Also, ask yourself if you are a prostitute. Aren’t we all, given the right stack of change?

Q: Dear SexyVixen6969, 

Have you ever been with women? How many times? Thoughts?

Sincerely GirlonGirl

A: Dear GirlonGirl,

See my answer to the spit or swallow question.

Q: Dear SexyVixen6969,

I really want a threesome with two guys, but they have to be straight. That's what turns me on about the whole idea. I want them to make out and touch each other, while possibly looking and feeling awkward, bewildered and vulnerable. I feel like every guy secretly wants to, but they're too homophobic! How do I make this happen?

Sincerely SlutLyfeForev


A: Dear SlutLyfeForev,
Call a gay friend and ask him to go with you to a frat party. Once you are there get a couple drinks and both scope the situation. If certain guys ask if your friend is gay, say YES. If they respond nonchalantly and talk to him, then these are not your guys. If they freak out and threaten to kick your friend's ass then these are your guys. They want to fuck you with another dude so bad, trust. The thing is, the guy they will fool around with cannot be gay. You need to get drunk and start flirting with 2 of these guys and whisper in their ears and then get them good and drunk. After a few Mike’s Hards Lemonades, they will be ready. Trust. Take both of their hands and put them on your tits and then take them both by the hand to a bedroom. Strip your clothes off and tell them to do the same. Put them on each side of you and get to business and get them as close to each other as possible, and after a safe amount of time slowly back away and see what happens. Command them if they are being difficult. At the very least they will touch cocks. Hopefully each other.


Q: Dear SexyVixen6969,


whats a good way for a short guy to date a tall girl? how can you tell which ones would be open to it?


sincerely shorteeeeez

A: Dear Shorteeeeez,

Sweet lack of caps. I would suggest platforms and A LOT of liquor.

You are clearly uncomfortable with yourself and your height. Just find a tall girl that exhibits the same traits and appears to have VERY low self esteem. Duh.

Q: Dear sexyvixen6969, 

what's the best way to find a partner who is comfortable with nudism/naturism?

A: Dear ____________

You are a faggot. Take your zen, granola yoga fuckin' ass to a nudist colony and "get lost." I can tell that you are the same person who wrote the short bro question because you do not use caps. Guessing you have "autism." Thanks for the question.

Q: Dear SexyVixen6969,

Is it normal for a guy's hair color to change after you "turn him out?"

Sincerely TinglyCaliente

A: Dear TinglyCaliente,

I'm not platinum blonde from the hair salon, I'll tell you that much.

Q: Dear sexyvixen6969, 

How long is it appropriate to "take advantage" of your lovers corpse, should they die, to do all the crazy stuff you wanted to do when they were alive? What's the window before it becomes creepy/morally suspect? Follow up, what about saving body parts as moments? If yes, which ones would you recommend?

Sincerely NecROMANCER

A: Dear NecROMANCER,

You are "funny" and "irreverent." I feel like if you just eat their body, it's not morally suspect. You just love them so much that you want to have a part of them inside you forever. Afterwards, maybe, have a beer.

 



SexyVixen6969 believes you should make love not war.  She is a renegade, zen, yoga teacher, vegan celebrity stalker. At the age of 62 she has revolutionized sexuality and has slept with the likes of Bono, Hillary Clinton and Dennis Rodman, making her qualified to answer your boring sex questions. She lives in a commune outside of Joshua Tree with a couple of goats and a special guest. She likes frisbee, golf, and Nesquick. She occasionally takes acid with Peruvian sherpas ritualistically and wakes up outside of an Anaheim Lane Bryant. She was incarcerated for stalking Paula Cole and made a politically charged album in the early 90s. 



 


 


 

 

 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you SexyVixen6969. You inspire me. Going to try to stop fucking people with learning disabilities.

    ReplyDelete