Sunday, September 30, 2012


Drunk on boxed wine slurring your words as you buy sleeping pills from the dollar store as though you are an actual human being.


Friday, September 28, 2012


I'm retarded. I have a stroke brain. I think I'm going to add a list of "stuff I look at on the internet" to this website. I think it's time for that. I'm going to post a short story by a bff and a new sexcapades column later, because lord knows I'm not writing anything of interest.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I'm going to tell you about a dream I had

Last night I had a sex dream. I think it's only maybe like the third sex dream I've ever had.  I was going to describe it in a lot of detail, and I feel like I have to if the story is going to be funny, but I don't know if I can because I can talk about other people having sex and it's fine, but I can't talk about me having sex, even if it's a dream because it makes me feel really shy.

Well, it involved having a really bad kind of sex (with a girl)!!! in front of a bunch of people, and I didn't want to be having sex with the person, like it was kind of rapey, sex, like crowd commissioned rape sex, and at first I didn't like it, and then I did, and then I said something like, "Fuck, that feels good," or something, and then I think the girl said, "Really?" in a surprised kind of way. Anyway, when it was over, (in the dream) I thought, "Wow, I REALLY need to add this bitch on Facebook" lol, like that was the conclusion of the dream.

I feel like that's fucked up for such a myriad of reasons. I like how even in my dreams everything is a joke.



Monday, September 24, 2012


Earlier I sent my best friend a side by side comparison of a photo of me and the cover of Night of the Living Dead and laughed for a really long time because there was like, an uncanny resemblance without trying.

I've had a lot of success convincing children I'm a vampire.

I dyed my hair with kool aid today because I don't want anyone to hire me to do anything, ever.

I'm reading Best American Short Stories of the Century, and out of like a thousand pages, I have yet to like one. I feel like literally every story is about a person who comes to America from another country and dies.

I wish someone would start a lit blog that functions like Buddyhead circa, like, pre 2008. If that existed, it would probably be my favorite website. I also wish Buddyhead had a blog that functioned like Buddyhead pre 2008.

If I had a twitter I would probably tweet, "I'm depressed because I read a book about a depressed person once and decided I would make it a part of my personal identity (crises)" or "I'm sad because my dad is a republican who pays for my health insurance."

I made some soap earlier. It's black. It's black (metal) dead sea mud soap. It's pretty awesome. I keep making/saying useless things because my life has no meaning, you see? I can't talk to anyone because I can't think, but I can sure as fuck send you a bar of soap, and I can sure as fuck physically and spiritually pass for (un)dead.





Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hoop Dreams

I lit the filter of a cigarette earlier, and thought, I really like when I am sober and light the filter of my cigarette. I don't have any excuse other than I am retarded.

Then I thought, I like how I started smoking as a "cool" kid listening to Joy Division with swoopy bangs and DIY prison tats, not realizing that one day I'd be an old, leathery hag with dark circles and a stoma or whatever, lol. The thing is, I REALLY want to quit smoking, but feel that it's somehow not possible. I thought, would I s someone's d for a pack of smokes? No. Well, then surely, this isn't such a serious situation. I need to get some nicotine gum or something, but every time I think of that, I think,
"You are a fucking pussy."

Anyway, the thing is, it reminded me of this time when my friend gave my other friend a blow job for a pack of cigarettes. I thought about it, and was like, yeah, that really happened. It wasn't like...a dire situation. It wasn't like she didn't have money or anything, I don't even think we were like...drunk or high. It was just like...something that probably started out as a joke and then became serious. Like, I feel like it was probably like, the dude had gotten a free pack of cigarettes, like buy one get one cigarettes, and she needed cigarettes and he was like, "I'll give you this pack if you give me a blow job," and then she did.

I feel like...when I think of this person in my head, she doesn't seem like a real person. She's looks like someone who would be in Maxim's "Hometown Hotties" or something, and she worked in a coal mine. Like literally, like, people who die in mines type shit.

When she was in Vegas, she went to get a drunk tattoo, and she said she wanted a tattoo of the earth with a peace sign in the middle. I'm laughing really hard while typing this because like, who the fuck wants that as a tattoo, drunk or otherwise, but so, somehow, I don't know if the tattoo guy was like "punking" her or whatever, but somehow she wound up with a tattoo of a basketball on fire on her ankle, lol. I feel like it was one of those things that was a deep dark secret, and I don't know why she showed it to me, but she did, and obviously, since I'm mean and an asshole, her nickname for the rest of school was "Hoop Dreams."

She was dating a guy who got mad one night because he couldn't satisfy her sexually so he punched her in the vagina, lol. She took him out to breakfast to break up with him and my best friend and I really wanted to go with. Not because we were particularly interested in the breakup, but because we didn't know the dude very well, and we wanted an opportunity to get to know this vagina puncher before it was too late. She told us we couldn't and that we were like fucked up bad people for wanting to do that. Like, that being broken up with is humiliating enough or whatever, and we got really mad at her and planned this elaborate funeral for her. Like, we were going to wait for her to come home and then invite her to a "party" in a park across the street and then when she got there, it would be an elaborate funeral service for our friendship.

Sometimes I just want to type an exhaustive list of all the ways in which I'm an asshole.

Oh yeah, this is another story involving tattoos. I was in OKC for my birthday, I think this was like two years ago, and she flew in from LA to hang out for my birthday, and she kept trying to convince me to get a tattoo of her name and I was drunkenly like, okay, whatever, let's do it. So, she then asked, "What are you going to tell people when they ask about it?" and I said, I will just tell them you're my dead friend. So, somehow this conversation got started about preemptive memorial tattoos, like, getting a tattoo for a dead friend in anticipation of their death, and then, somehow, our other friend...I don't know why HE wound up getting the tattoo instead of me, but like, thank god, anyway, he got this giant chest tat that says R.I.P. (her name) with her date of birth and an open space for her date of death. He also has a tattoo under his lip that says, "Taco" that he got on Cinco de Mayo.

So anyway, that's that. Quitting smoking just got me to thinking about how much I miss "Hoop Dreams."


Wednesday, September 19, 2012


Sorry I haven't been updating my this blog or saying anything that's interesting in any way. Sometimes it's like that, you know? I've been trying to work on other writing that is also bad/boring. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you.

Monday, September 17, 2012


My bedroom is pretty much the most magical place in the history of time. If you saw it, you would be impressed lol. The thing is, also, I think the stuff in it probably cost a total of fifty dollars. I sent my friend a picture of it last night and there was a roll of paper towels and a wire hanger on my bed, and I said that it looked like I was about to preform an at home abortion ; )

Emoticons are the funniest thing ever. EVER. When people text emoticons to me, I feel all my feelings at once.

Earlier, I was watching the news and someone said, "Spilling its 'load' all over the highway." I felt like I was 12.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Thinking About Posting This On Missed Connections


" You: hot black guy in an escalade with two REALLY nerdy looking white dudes, like, dudes who look like they love metal and  D+D. You said, 'Yo ma, come holla at me for a minute.'

Me: Tall ass, tragic looking blonde bitch with heavy eye makeup. I said, 'No, no, no,' while laughing and pacing back and forth.

I regret not 'holla-ing' at you, for real. I need to know more. I need to know what your 'deal' is. I need to know what your relaish is with the D+D dudes. If you read this, get at me."

I think my favorite relationship situation I was ever in was a couple of years ago. I was dating two people at the same time, that I feel like equaled one relationship. One of the dudes was this really androgynous, beautiful, artist/musician who was the best kisser ever in the history of the world. Whenever he kissed me, it felt like a movie moment or something, but he didn't have sex! Like, he didn't "do the deed." Not sure what the deal was. He had "mad issues." We would just make out and smoke pot and eat xanax and chat and he drew me amazing pictures.

The other guy was a high school student (seriously, he was 18 though.) He was dumb (as fuck), all we ever did was play chess and have sex. He was a severe alcoholic. Sometimes I would spend the night at his house, and I would be like in his bed with no clothes on, and his dad would come in and tell him he had to like wake up for school or whatever, lol. He was also REALLY "hot." One time, I took him to a party with my artsy elitist friends and someone drunkenly asked, "What are your passions? What are the most important things to do?" Everyone had these really obvious, "smart people" answers, like, "True love," and, "My art," and other things. When it was the high school student's turn he said, "Pussy and guns," LOL.

I could have stayed in that relationship forever, I think, but the good kissing asexual dude moved to Iowa, and the high school student joined the military. I don't know you guys. I don't know.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Never Forget


One time I was at a bar, and this dude was like, hitting on me, and he started talking about the music he likes, which was just like, a list of the 500 best songs ever on pitchfork, and he goes, "What kind of music do you like?" And I said, "I don't really listen to music, I guess like...I guess I really like Toby Keith. You know that song Courtesy of the Red White and Blue? I fuckin' love that song. That's probably my favorite song."



Monday, September 10, 2012

Let's Be Honest...

If I don't answer your calls/texts, you read my blog, and if it hasn't been updated, you fear that I am dead, lol.

I'm sorry. I am not dead. Thank you for the handmade gifts and notes and other things. You're all such beautiful, thoughtful little cabbages. I like you guys a lot. I'm working on doing nice things for all of you. I'm sorry it takes me a long time to do things. I love you all very much, I'm just sad and insane, lol.

Sorry I've been very bad about getting back to texts/calls/emails etc. Don't worry, don't worry. I will get back soon.

How are you all doing? Are you doing okay? I miss you. Even if you didn't send me a gift for my birthday, and we don't hang out in "real" life, I still miss you a little. I still like you a lot.

You're all doing such a good job of being a human. I can't believe it. I wish I could buy you all an ice cream cone.



Friday, September 7, 2012

I Could Die Anytime (Everywhere in America)

People Who Die in Mines

"Do you remember when those people like...died in that mine?"


"Yeah, it was called like, the fucking mine tragedy."


"Well people do that shit, Ryan. They fucking work in mines."


"If I slept for half the year, or...if I 'slept off' half the year, then I must have spent 4380 hours watching pornography and eating prescription narcotics. There were other hours to be accounted for, I guess. I showered sometimes because I had one night stands, sometimes. I guess I ate things. I had a job for a while, but I only got the job so I could buy a gun."


"Someone told me guys shit their pants once a month. Like, that is a 'thing.' He said, every guy shits their pants at least once a month, but nobody talks about it. I said, 'I don't think so dude. I don't think that's a 'thing.' I feel like that only happens to you. Subjectification of experience. I don't know.' He said no. He said, 'Every guy shits their pants A MINIMUM of once a month, if they tell you no, they're lying.'"


"This guy told me he was, ugh, bringing his mail order bride over here. He went online to find a Russian slave whore or whatever, because American women were too, ugh...independent or something. Meaning, lack of destitution made it less likely, even under the most dire of circumstances, that they'd close their eyes while he climbed on top of them for 2-5 minutes weekly and disassociate. He said he was bringing her here. He said he was in love with her because he bought her Rosetta Stone."


"I'm watching a video of people watching a video of people playing Street Fighter."


"I think she slapped me in the face that night. I called her a fat bitch after she bought Park Place in Monopoly."


"Sometimes I got sort of sad. If it wasn't looking into my iPhone like something interesting was happening inside of it, or typing things into the google search bar, I could be out doing seedy things. The seedy things I dreamed about. Talking on pay phones and fucking in motels. Taking cabs with strangers to stranger places. Who could possibly be a stranger to me now?


"I was looking into the mirror of a Walmart bathroom, that was bizarrely garish. Framed in rococo style curtains. An Asian female employee kept looking at me and laughing hysterically while saying, 'Looks like I did messes in my pants.'"


"Everyone on the television is screaming. All the time."


"The golden suicides is my idea of a romantic comedy."


"A sexual thought sometimes starts with the idea of someone loving me. Sometimes I'll think about a person I want to love me and imagine things I would say to them when we loved each other. Then I get bored and masturbate to the thought of someone shoving a giant hook through my tits or something. I don't think you understand."


"I'd love to be friends in the same way I'd 'love' to drink a bucket of cum, vomit it up, have someone piss in it and then drink it all again."


"Without drugs 'this' would not be possible."


"My friend Ehren had a hole in his black shirt so he colored his chest black with a sharpee marker."


"A gay colostomy bag satanist who was maybe schizophrenic, talked like Snagglepuss and was completely unaware of social jokes. He had the special power of cutting extra, extra thin meat in a downstairs basement."


"Jesus comes when I come."


"And I think, 'that's the only story you REALLY need to know. The only important story about best friends forever. The story of fifty pieces of silver and the snapping of a branch."


"It would be misleading to say I 'live' here."


"Threesome reunion!" I say, with mock enthusiasm, and nobody laughs."


"'Please godjesus please godjesus please god jesus. Don't make me, don't make me, don't make me.' I choose to ignore the voice in my head. It's not asking me why I'm talking to god, but, 'How the fuck the fuck do you think you're going to die? Idiot.'"


"People are talking about Chuck Palahniuk and whether you can eat cum if you're a vegan because, 'Technically, it's an animal product,' I want to die. Die. Die in the summertime."

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Srsly Guys...

What are the "sexiest" things (to you) lol?

I have another "sexy" job "opportunity" in the morning. I'm so excited for their "non dairy creamer" (in my mouth).

Keepin' it sleazy...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


I feel like my dog is SUCH a good example of what it would be like if I had a child. Like, he would refer to my mother as "Mom" and refer to me as my first name or something. He's also like ill behaved, and disobedient and has psychological problems, but it's like..."fun." Like, he went to the groomer, and they called me and they were like, "Um, ma'am, you're going to have to come pick up your dog, he bit someone." Like, I'll stay out at night, and like feel sad that I am not with my dog and then like drive home wasted or something because I need to see him right away, and he probably thinks I'm a mess and resents me, but anyway the point is, one of the highlights of my day is, he's really obsessed with his bone because I got him when he was a baby, he was like starving on an indian reservation in the winter, so he like...he's really possessive about his shit or whatever, and I like stealing his bone from him, or trying to steal it because he like freaks the fuck out. He tries to guard it with one paw, and then the other with all of his weight, and then like he'll start snarling, and air biting and I know it SOUNDS scary, but it's actually really funny. So, yeah, so, I look forward to trying to steal his bone at night, lol, it's like our "fun" time together, I can't find his fucking bone because he like went outside and buried it so now we can't like have fun play time and I feel anxious and depressed, lol.


Does this story make sense? Probably not. Was it worth telling this story? ABSOLUTELY not.

Oodles of Poodles

When I go to meet with someone very early in the morning and the only thing they have to put in coffee is non dairy creamer, I think, "What are we? Fucking savages?"

You know in the original version of Jack the Ripper where Morrissey is like, "Nobody knows me, nobody knows me...." over and over, I kind of feel like that all the time.


Saturday, September 1, 2012


You know that game where you're in a public place and you say "penis" louder and louder until someone "chickens out?" I feel like that game is a lot more intense if you replace "penis" with "the 'n' word."

But anyway, so, one time my best friend Austin and I were at a party and there was this guy there from New York, he looked like a California surf bro though, and Austin kept calling the dude "ape surf," like under his breath kind of, and then just kind of taking it further and further, like saying ape surf louder and louder, and eventually the guy was like, "What did you just call me?" Like in a vaguely "hard" kind of way, as though "ape surf" is like a common, offensive pejorative and Austin  gives him this really like, puppy dog kind of face and he just looks at the dude and goes, "I miss you."


Is it "okay" to be obsessed with Hello Kitty as an adult? IMO, no, it's not. I feel like it might be okay if you're a straight guy.

Sorry if I've been "out of touch," I'm decaying.

Multiple Choice

Why are you so "depressed?"

A) Daddy fucked me

B) Daddy left me alone with god

C) Daddy never understood

D) All of the above