Friday, September 7, 2012

I Could Die Anytime (Everywhere in America)

People Who Die in Mines

"Do you remember when those people like...died in that mine?"

"No."

"Yeah, it was called like, the fucking mine tragedy."

"No."

"Well people do that shit, Ryan. They fucking work in mines."

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"If I slept for half the year, or...if I 'slept off' half the year, then I must have spent 4380 hours watching pornography and eating prescription narcotics. There were other hours to be accounted for, I guess. I showered sometimes because I had one night stands, sometimes. I guess I ate things. I had a job for a while, but I only got the job so I could buy a gun."

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"Someone told me guys shit their pants once a month. Like, that is a 'thing.' He said, every guy shits their pants at least once a month, but nobody talks about it. I said, 'I don't think so dude. I don't think that's a 'thing.' I feel like that only happens to you. Subjectification of experience. I don't know.' He said no. He said, 'Every guy shits their pants A MINIMUM of once a month, if they tell you no, they're lying.'"

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"This guy told me he was, ugh, bringing his mail order bride over here. He went online to find a Russian slave whore or whatever, because American women were too, ugh...independent or something. Meaning, lack of destitution made it less likely, even under the most dire of circumstances, that they'd close their eyes while he climbed on top of them for 2-5 minutes weekly and disassociate. He said he was bringing her here. He said he was in love with her because he bought her Rosetta Stone."

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"I'm watching a video of people watching a video of people playing Street Fighter."

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"I think she slapped me in the face that night. I called her a fat bitch after she bought Park Place in Monopoly."

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"Sometimes I got sort of sad. If it wasn't looking into my iPhone like something interesting was happening inside of it, or typing things into the google search bar, I could be out doing seedy things. The seedy things I dreamed about. Talking on pay phones and fucking in motels. Taking cabs with strangers to stranger places. Who could possibly be a stranger to me now?

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"I was looking into the mirror of a Walmart bathroom, that was bizarrely garish. Framed in rococo style curtains. An Asian female employee kept looking at me and laughing hysterically while saying, 'Looks like I did messes in my pants.'"

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"Everyone on the television is screaming. All the time."

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"The golden suicides is my idea of a romantic comedy."

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"A sexual thought sometimes starts with the idea of someone loving me. Sometimes I'll think about a person I want to love me and imagine things I would say to them when we loved each other. Then I get bored and masturbate to the thought of someone shoving a giant hook through my tits or something. I don't think you understand."

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"I'd love to be friends in the same way I'd 'love' to drink a bucket of cum, vomit it up, have someone piss in it and then drink it all again."

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"Without drugs 'this' would not be possible."

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"My friend Ehren had a hole in his black shirt so he colored his chest black with a sharpee marker."

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"A gay colostomy bag satanist who was maybe schizophrenic, talked like Snagglepuss and was completely unaware of social jokes. He had the special power of cutting extra, extra thin meat in a downstairs basement."

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"Jesus comes when I come."

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"And I think, 'that's the only story you REALLY need to know. The only important story about best friends forever. The story of fifty pieces of silver and the snapping of a branch."

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"It would be misleading to say I 'live' here."

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"Threesome reunion!" I say, with mock enthusiasm, and nobody laughs."

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"'Please godjesus please godjesus please god jesus. Don't make me, don't make me, don't make me.' I choose to ignore the voice in my head. It's not asking me why I'm talking to god, but, 'How the fuck the fuck do you think you're going to die? Idiot.'"

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"People are talking about Chuck Palahniuk and whether you can eat cum if you're a vegan because, 'Technically, it's an animal product,' I want to die. Die. Die in the summertime."

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