Monday, November 26, 2012

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It's time for me to dye my hair a more suitable shade. Are you excited? Should I make a new Facebook or is that just a soul crushing waste of time?

I haven't cut my hair in like 2.5 years and it's the kind of blonde that looks like you're in the kind of porn where like 152 ppl jack off on you. So, but yeah. Yeah, that's all.

Gotta find a husband guys ;o

That's a blowjob emoticon FYI.

Oh yeah, I can hear now, so that's cool

Sunday, November 25, 2012

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I sort of just want to get married as though I'm being serious and drink wine and play a tambourine and listen to Alex Chilton records and then die.
So I have nightmares like every night. Either teeth dreams or chase dreams. Last night I had this dream that I was in this house and there were people chasing me with guns and I kept finding guns in this house that didn't work properly lol. Like either they didn't work or they were fucking like bb guns or something so obviously eventually the people chasing me like got a hold of me and like started like repeatedly hitting me in the face with the butt of a rifle or something and it was like really bloody and stuff, and then I woke up and now I can't hear out of my left ear. So, that's a pretty exciting development I guess.

Friday, November 23, 2012

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Do you ever feel totally perplexed by other humans? Like, you know when you're out somewhere and you text someone and you're like, "I'm hanging out with the craziest people right now," but like the people aren't crazy at all, they're just like normal people lol. And do you ever pour hard A into a beer bottle because you don't want people to like, think poorly of you/know the true depths of your alcoholism?

And do you ever hide drugs from yourself because you know you'll like need them more at some point than you currently do and then tear your house apart looking for them, but you might have already taken them but you're not sure?

Do you ever like have Thanksgiving on a Friday with a bunch of strangers who play horrible Austin city limits concerts for hours on end and there's like chickens and 34678655 dogs and gay personal trainers talking about hot yoga?

I mean...whatever.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

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Happy Thanksgiving you all. Waiting outside for like a week to get a bargain on a flat screen tv is almost the grossest thing I can think of.

The grossest thing, maybe, is this commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvB3msfJYdk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I'm trying to pack, and this is all really boring but I'm also really drunk. I always get really stressed out when I'm traveling because I never have any money and I want to deceive people, in that, I want to seem fancier and cooler than is possible in the town where I live so I have to plan clothing and shoes and all of that, and it has to only be what you can fit in a suitcase, and I secretly or not secretly fear that I am the shittiest most boring person ever and that people spending time with me will feel crushing disappointment and, and and....that's all really.

Yeah, happy "T-GIVE."

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

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I've never been more bored and poor and irrelevant.

I saw the guy at the library today. He's a fkn fox. He's like tall ish and 50-60 lbs overweight and has like stupid looking glasses and wears garish button down shirts everyday. He looks REALLY smart.

I was wearing a turban today and with my pale ass skin and junkie style dark circles, I was like damn, he probably thinks I have cancer.

He might have been wearing a wedding ring.

That's fine.

Whatever.

I keep thinking, "I'm probs not going to kill myself, but I really wish I was."

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Thursday, November 15, 2012

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This is a picture of a cement tablet with my interpretation of the ten commandments I made when I was like nine. Just for funzies : )



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Extreme Cougar Wives

Obviously in the future television will just be porn and porn will be saw IV.

Pretty excited.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

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Now that you know about 5% of the shitty things you need to know about me, here are some of the things I think you need to know about lobsters.

Some of this info is courtesy of the essay "Consider the Lobster" some of it is just courtesy of general lobster research.

Prior to the 1800s, lobster was only fed to poor people and prisoners. There were laws about how often you could feed lobster to people in jail because it was considered that disgusting and inhumane Fkn imagine that!

The largest lobster on record was 44 lbs. FKN imagine that!!!!!!!!

Here is the craziest thing of all, lobsters don't age. if they didn't get caught for rich ppl's dinner or get some kind of sea disease, they could live for fucking ever. It's not uncommon for lobsters to live to be well over 100. Like, there's probably a lobster living under the sea as we speak that's like 500 years old and like hundreds of lbs. FKN IMAGINE THAT SHIT!!!!!

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I started typing a list of all my worst qualities and like shitty things I've done, and I was gonna post it, but then I got scared cause it was really intense.

These were a few of the things on it, but I can't post them all cause I might start crying.

I got a solid 2.0 college GPA.

I fucked a guy in my ex boyfriend's apartment once bc he made me mad.

I sleep with a mask of glycolic acid and diaper rash cream on my face EVERY night.

I take a cocktail of like 30-40 different kinds of prescription and non prescription medications EVERY night because I can't sleep, and when I do I have nightmares.

That's all I can stand. I'm already throwing up lol.

ADDED NOTE:

I don't mean 40 different kinds of medications, I mean like 40 pills of like 4-6 different medications. It sounds REALLY bad but like, it's not that bad. Some of it is like California poppy and Benadryl.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

TUESDAY

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Look at this bone I got for my dog. It's a fucking moccasin guys. The dollar store is incredible.

I'm more excited about watching The Canyons than like anything ever. Looks like an unintentionally terrible film being "marketed" as an intentionally terrible film that was conceived on a 48 hr coke binge.

I want to fuck the guy who works at the library. What should I do? Should I write him a note? Should I just like dress really "cute" and go there and stare at him? Should I ask him for a book recommendation and then impress him with my vast knowledge of "relevant" literature?

Should I just be like, "Hey, I want to talk to you about books and then fuck you. What do you think?" lol.

Dang you guys. I love him.

SexyVixen where u at? I have another question for you also. Pretty much every man I've ever met refuses to eat white sauces or condiments. What's up with that?

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Emptying My Head Like You Empty Yr Dick

Went to Whole Foods yesterday. I will probably never go back. A man who may or may not have been Dennis Cooper was cleaning the windows with an angry, but no less condescending face and the checkout counters were populated with everyone I hung out with in high school.

I ran into "a friend" at the liquor store and he basically told me I looked like shit. FYRI, it was the same guy who asked me if I needed more medication or was just a piece of shit.

Please stop showing me commercials involving abused animals and bald children with cancer.

Next time someone uses the word "transgressive" in conversation as though that means something to me, I'm throwing up.

Friday, November 9, 2012

It's Friday Night

Let's go out and fall in love, you know? Let's like "get" each other and have nervous butterflies and read books to each other and like feed each other, and I'll write you stories and we can "inspire" each other and encourage each other in this perverted world. And, I'll make out with you even when you have the flu and like, lets hold hands a lot, and let's gross people out in public, and let's sleep in a tent made out of blankets, and and and,how about I'll kiss the top of your head when you feel sad, and you can make me feel "safe" and, fuck it, you know, like, lets just go ahead and grow old together and die at the same time.

Nah. Jkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjk

Let's drink almost to the point of vomiting out real vomit, but not stop before vomiting out metaphorical vomit. Like, the kind thats made of stories about your childhood that include your dad beating you in the face with a shoe that just happened to be lying on the floor, and things that are "technically rape" oh, OH!!! And all of your secret insecurities and all of my body image issues, and then we can trade STDs : )

Thursday, November 8, 2012

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Have any of you all ever been in jail?


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I feel bored. I wish I had salmonella poisoning. Not joking. Just want to lie around and read and vomit blood for 3-7 days, and like lose 15 lbs for nothing. That sounds so awesome. I'm going to pray really hard that I get salmonella. ewishbox.com/salmonellapoisoning.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Current Mood

Sometimes I hate people so much, that like, my fucking face hurts, and I feel like my brain is leaking out of my skull and I just want to make a "mouth breather" expression and like laugh until I literally pee my pants.

;
ADDED NOTE

Who the fuck eats "bread and butter" pickles? Jesus. Fucking savages.

Things my mother does everyday

Stares, rapt with attention to the inside of a television containing various types of wild animals "going off" on each other 24/7, like sad music and carnage at an outrageous volume where a bored sounding announcer reads sentences like, "Ten minutes later, the cub has a painful seizure, and within seconds....he is 'gone.'"

Then she repeats to no one in particular, "He's gone....."

Goes on long "rants" about different types of metal, using phrases like, "Fucking faggots in corpse paint." Claims, "Lemmy Kilmister is 'transcendent.' It doesn't matter who you are, everyone loves Lemmy Kilmister."

Constantly tells the worst stories I've ever heard. Like, stories that literally make me want to vomit/cry, all the time. Stories that start out with sentences like, "Did you hear about that three year old?"

I sometimes think, "Maybe if I just sit here without saying anything, she will just 'give up,'" you know,and not finish the story, but that has never happened, ever. The three year old in question, for your reluctant information, fell into a, "Wild African dog cage," and was savagely ripped apart in front of many horrified onlookers including its parents.

Did you ever wonder, "Hey, how did they kill dogs in shelters before PETA was a 'thing?'" Of course you didn't, because why the fuck would ANYONE want to think about that? Doesn't matter, because, "You know, when I was a kid, they just stacked all the dogs at the pound on top of each other, in dumpster type thing, and then just backed a car up to it and let them suffocate on the exhaust."

Thank god.

Screams incoherently at no one/inanimate objects/animals about, "A devil circling the house."

Thank god for mental illness (or something.)

Monday, November 5, 2012

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Happy birthday to S. Sylvia.

Less than 3s.

Who is coming to WA. That time is here. Dec 1.

Here are some possible things that might happen.

Monday night football in the white trash capital of the world.

Fancy and elaborate dinners.

Collecting the top shelf booze people bring my father and drinking all of it day and night.

Drinking blue lotus wine and seeing if we can feel each other without touching.

Making artwork.

Going out to breakfast.

Road tripping to nearby cities and playing my favorite game called dress in your most garish attire and drink until someone invites you to stay at their house.

Wearing only white.

Preparing for the end of the world.

Nick Heet.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Stuff that happened 11/3

Bought a Nick Cave novel at Dollar Tree.

Had the following conversation with a "friend."

Him: Why tha fuck dint you come to our show$ [sic]

She: Sorry I was probably having a nervous breakdown or something.

Him: Do you need further medication or are you just a piece of shit?

She: Lol

Also, I swear to god, a complete stranger called me and left me a voicemail saying he just wanted to call to chat, because he's drunk and p.s. he's going to stab my ex boyfriend in the throat.

Some people know just what to say.

Friday, November 2, 2012

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So, I want to eat macaroni and cheese but I want the noodles to be like...."full size." Like "uncut." Does that make sense? It's kind of crazy that I'm so miserable because I don't really want anything "good" or "important" or "hard." I think the only thing is, like I want someone to eat like "uncut" macaroni with. And it would be nice if they said neat things sometimes, and if they weren't just eating "uncut" macaroni with me because they wanted to put their penis inside of me, but because like, they wanted to eat "uncut" macaroni also, and like, specifically, with me.

When I want to say something mean to someone, I write it down. I write it down and then I edit it and edit it until it's the perfect thing to say, but then I never say it.

I have like an archive of mean things I've never said.

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Reading a book of David Foster Wallace essays that I checked out from the public library with my glasses on and an American Apparel cardi as I stand in line to vote (for a black person) and other reasons I might be the worst person ever (but it's okay because I'm "self aware")