Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Things my mother does everyday

Stares, rapt with attention to the inside of a television containing various types of wild animals "going off" on each other 24/7, like sad music and carnage at an outrageous volume where a bored sounding announcer reads sentences like, "Ten minutes later, the cub has a painful seizure, and within seconds....he is 'gone.'"

Then she repeats to no one in particular, "He's gone....."

Goes on long "rants" about different types of metal, using phrases like, "Fucking faggots in corpse paint." Claims, "Lemmy Kilmister is 'transcendent.' It doesn't matter who you are, everyone loves Lemmy Kilmister."

Constantly tells the worst stories I've ever heard. Like, stories that literally make me want to vomit/cry, all the time. Stories that start out with sentences like, "Did you hear about that three year old?"

I sometimes think, "Maybe if I just sit here without saying anything, she will just 'give up,'" you know,and not finish the story, but that has never happened, ever. The three year old in question, for your reluctant information, fell into a, "Wild African dog cage," and was savagely ripped apart in front of many horrified onlookers including its parents.

Did you ever wonder, "Hey, how did they kill dogs in shelters before PETA was a 'thing?'" Of course you didn't, because why the fuck would ANYONE want to think about that? Doesn't matter, because, "You know, when I was a kid, they just stacked all the dogs at the pound on top of each other, in dumpster type thing, and then just backed a car up to it and let them suffocate on the exhaust."

Thank god.

Screams incoherently at no one/inanimate objects/animals about, "A devil circling the house."

Thank god for mental illness (or something.)

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