Monday, December 31, 2012

It's New Year's Eve

The roads are slick and the drivers drunk.

Crossing my fingers "y'all."

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Conversation 12/30

A: Like, I love watching old rich old spoiled drunk women lie to each other. There's a woman carrying a polygraph around, lol.

The "fashions" are frankly to die for.

R: LOL, shut up, omfg.

A: Like a bebe jacket over a swimsuit with boots.


A: And that's their "fashion" for the "fashion show."

R: I think I decided that if you're not famous, everything is in scare quotes.

Like my "band" is playing a "show."

A: Or like huge belts over everything. Insane earrings and insane makeup while they're carrying around polygraphs at a "fashion show."


R: And that "going on tour" is the most hilarious thing ever.
Like my "band" is "going on tour."

That and "in the studio."

R: Like you're really just taking a vacation, lol.
You're just going on a road trip and pretending it's significant.

A: And "networking."

Like see you at the "fashion show."

It's just like adults playing dress up.

Like, everyone is just playing a game, but they don't "get" it.

Like, they think they're being serious.

That includes "having a family."

Like, we're "getting married" and "buying a house."

I'm going to "work" to "support" our "family."

I guess that's why you play pretend games as a kid. To prepare you for playing pretend games for the rest of your life.

Like...imagine like...buying a refrigerator and taking that seriously.

I mean, there was a point at which things like "going on tour" had an objective purpose. Like your "fans" wanted to see you. Like think of the absurdity of "going on tour" when no one knows who you are.

A: LOLOLOLOLOLOL Playing pretend as a kid is totally preparing you for being an adult, and social networking strengthens that.

"Buying a fridge"
"Comparing prices"
"Making it"

I'm at Costco with my dad and am going to have a panic attack. I can't believe this is how people function.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Everything You Need to Know About How My Mind Works: A short Essay

Alternate titles: "What Will Happen After We Have Sex for the First Time."


"Last Night I Thought, 'I don't Know How to Love,' and Then Started Laughing."

Listen, I'm not saying this is right. I'm almost saying it because it lives in my brain and I feel guilty for thinking it, and, like, maybe if I just vomit it out, I won't feel as...shitty about it or something.

I secretly believe that making "good" art, and being in a meaningful romantic relationship are mutually exclusive.

I secretly believe that someone's creative complacency and decline coincides with the beginning of a "LTR."

My idea of "romance" is avoiding future emotional ruin by making a suicide pact. Added note: I'm being serious.
Added note: LOL.

Before I have sex with someone, I imagine like this beautiful future where none of this shit matters, and like, the only thing that matters is that person, and I spend hours awake at night carefully crafting the most perfect sentences I can think of. I want to tell the person how much I love them in a way that they'll never forget, not even when they're a hundred. Like, stupid, reckless, teenage as fuck shit.

And then this thing happens. This moment where everything becomes "real" in my head. I imagine hating everything the person does. I imagine resenting all the time I "wasted" with the person. I imagine sex in bad holes with an affectless expression. I imagine everything becoming a "chore." I imagine watching them look at their Facebook page and the click click click sound of the keyboard and wanting to strike them with a blunt object. I imagine boring, silent dinners, and feeling disgust when I look at their face. I imagine binding legal documents and mortgages and listening to the person snore, and shitty children and a ruined vagina, and I FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

But of course, I don't say any of this. I don't express my "fears" or "feelings" like a grown ass adult. I quietly smile, with terrified eyes, and when the time is right, I do WHATEVER.IT.TAKES to push the person away forever and ever and ever, and never talk again.

And that way, I can still love the person in the most intense way, and I can keep them in my head when they were perfect, and not all raped up by time, and boredom and stupid, irrelevant fights.

And if we're talking about sadness, and all of that bullshit, this is really the hand at the heart of the matter.

Added Note: LOL

Next time a stranger talks to me I'm just going to smile, and say, "TITS OR GET THE FUCK OUT."

Friday, December 28, 2012

At Least It's Nine Degrees

I'd like to see someone doing Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run karaoke, but replace the word "run," with the word "fuck."

Wednesday, December 26, 2012


I feel like I didn't cry for like one to two years because I was taking a lot of medication, and now I cry randomly in public places. I also laugh out loud a lot.

Earlier I started laughing out loud because I was thinking, "I think, like, immediately after giving a blow job is when I feel the most accomplished."

And I laughed because I was being serious to myself, but also I laughed because I couldn't decide if it was because I'm just slutty and have low self esteem, or because I'm a fucking failure, and then I decided my life is just like a slutty story of failure.


Hypodermic needles were invented specifically to inject narcotics.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merrrrrry Christmas

I was talking to someone (it was Jereme Dean) about porn that's like affecting or something.

My favorite thing I've seen recently that's technically porn is "Hysterical Literature."

If you're not familiar, google that shit. Wowowowowow.

Monday, December 24, 2012

The Las Vegas Airport

Do you think of everything in your life as a potential instrument of death? Because I sure do.

It really seems like, I've never been more sad than I am at this moment or something. Like, I'm pretty sure I'm going to start openly weeping in front of all these holiday penny slot people and I really don't even care if I seem insane.


I went to sit by myself and drown my sorrows in a sugared soda/sob quietly and a man came over and started playing led zeppelin songs on a shitty ass guitar.

Thank god.


I'm not going to say this is the shittiest place in America, but a drunk white supremacist tried to "fight" me at a karaoke bar last night where people were singing Christian rock. Hand to God.

Kind of puts Albuquerque in perspective.


So excited to see this fucker. I want to say something corny like, "He's the only boy that's never 'let me down.'" or something similar that would make me vomit if I heard someone else say it.

Thursday, December 20, 2012


Do you remember the last time you thought something was, "legitimate?"


A number of terrible dreams in one night. Everything from calling my ex boyfriend yelling and crying asking why he didn't love me to murdering someone with a decapitated human head.

I'm excited for tomorrow BECAUSE everyday it after it gets a minute lighter.

The Internet is so...horrible lol. There's like 2357864578 articles about Brigitte Bardot looking like's like she's 80!!

Is there ever an age where you can stop worrying about the degree to which people want to fuck you? Fucking exhausting.

Do you know anyone who says, "ridonculous?"

Wednesday, December 19, 2012


I've been lying awake in the dark for some time wondering if I am, GENUINELY, mentally retarded.

Monday, December 17, 2012


I think my penance for being a "smart" person, is that I will never get laid again

Let this be a lesson to you.
Can you resist the urge to post a screen grab of your Internet search history? We get it, you're so quirky, so alienated, so "fucked" "seems bleak"


So anyway, if you like Big Lots and SUPER Walmart, you should visit Tri Cities, WA. It's a SUPER Walmart in the size of three towns.

The other night I went to a "club" where a woman offered me the MOST fun(nest) type of prescription drugs and I took some and I was like, "Why you got all those drugs, girl?" and she goes, "Oh, I have cancer, I had to have a double mastectomy at 27."


Then she told me, "Your dad is like super up on when I get my prescriptions refilled. He like always wants to buy the MOST fun(nest) type of prescription drugs from me. It's cool. I don't mind sharing.


I'm going to Monday Night Football TM, later tonight.



Thursday, December 13, 2012


I think rage is the funniest imaginable thing. ESP but not limited to rage in type with many exclamation points !!!!

Will someone plz come to this shit hole and spend the end of the world with me?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


Sometimes...I see stuff. There's this place, where there's Christmas lights and they're very insane, and I went there and parked the car and just sat there for like an hour listening to Broadcast when it was VERY foggy, and then there was down on this place called Clover Island there was this thing where are the boats went by kind of late at night all decorated with Christmas lights. Sometimes at the end of the night when I come home, I feel like I'm really fucked up, or like, drunk, and then I feel like I'm really drunk off loneliness or something.

What kind of music do you listen to when you have S-E-X?

Sunday, December 9, 2012


Do you also ever feel like you can't remember the last time another person like physically touched you? I don't mean in a sexy way just like...the last time someone hugged you or pet your head or some other comforting gesture.

I went outside to cry and smoke cigarettes and an old man walked up to me and said, "Are you lookin' for Don Wheeler?" and I said no and then he winked at me and said, "You need to put some clothes on girl. It's freezin' out here."


Did you ever have such a perfect day that you didn't want to go to sleep bc you might never have another one?

I feel stuff sometimes.

Saturday, December 8, 2012


I'm like in Portland for some reason at a sort of fancy hotel, and I say fancy because I'm used to like sleeping on floors or the kinds of places where there's like used condoms behind the bed or whatever. And I'm drunk on long island iced teas for some reason like I'm fucking 18, and I sort of want to like die/live forever. You know? You know that feeling?

I'm tired because it's 5 AM.

I kind of like looking at my face at the end of the night when my makeup is all worn off and my mascara is running a little and theres like stained lips where there used to be lipstick and it's sort of out of the lines, and like my hair is all crazy and frizzy and flat. Like, I like looking at myself better when I look like shit kind of.

I kind of think I'm a really bad person.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Wednesday, December 5, 2012


G is coming. Hookers and blow, hookers and blow!!! "Jk."

Pat O Brien inspires me though.

Sunday, December 2, 2012


"I love sex. I love the back door. Love horror movies, comic books and baseball/hockey games. I cook like a gourmet chef. I don't complain about much. I tell dirty jokes. I'm an artist. I have told a guy HOW to make me multiple orgasm, not assumed he knew. I brew my own beer. I play video games. I never bring a man shopping with me unless it's for lingerie or electronics. I love discovery channel and I watch porn.....
I'm a fetish pin-up and lingerie model."


Barf. I'd rather go down on the lady with a freezer full of dead ferrets.

Ferret Oh Ferret






Watching a documentary on PBS about women obsessed with ferrets.

Direct quote, "Dear mom can we please have a conversation without using 'the f word?'"

Pretty sure you can guess what the f word is.

Every woman in this doc looks like a lesbian that was too ashamed of their sexuality to to ever have a meaningful relationship so they became obsessed with ferrets.

this is the saddest thing I've ever seen. If I weren't like 30 seconds from a vodka and pill induced xan nap, I'd probably vomitcry or hang myself.

It's also even like, dude, just hearing people say the word ferret over and over....fuck. Omfg.