Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy New Year!

SRS. I would have texted you. If you don't have my number get it, get on my text "roster" lol. You can get holiday messages, tits and more J.K. about the tits part.


This is for you "ILY."



What did 'y'all' see? I'll tell you what I saw. Are 'y'all' superstitious?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I'm the Official Sentry of the Isle of Misfit Toys

"People ask me that all the time, if I, 'believe in love.' I don't think that's what they mean. Love is just a feeling, it's just a word that describes a...ugh...cognitive...process, essentially. Of course I believe in it....when people say they don't believe in it...I don't think that's what they mean either...I think they mean they can't...sense it, or they can't do it, they can't make it happen, but that's not the same thing. People who say they don't believe in love...it's like some sort of ego defensive, denial bullshit. It's like a guy who can't make a girl cum so he says, 'She can't cum because orgasms don't exist.' Like, why is it that, you know, when someone says they don't believe in love, it's like..., oh, they're just self obsessed and sexxee, you know, they're just 'jaded' and too dark to care, you know? Would you say that about a guy who said he couldn't make someone cum because people can't cum? (LOL) No...no, you'd feel embarrassed as fuck for that person. You would think that person was, like, a ridiculous, sad, deluded motherfucker, you know? When someone says they don't believe in love, I wanna fuckin' vomit. When people ask that, I think they really mean something like, do you believe there's someone out there that's 'made for you' and like, do you believe that love can transform you from a piece of shit into some other thing.... Of course I believe in that. What the fuck else is there to even believe in? I really mean that. Like what the fuck else is going to 'fulfill' you? Like, oh, no, I don't wanna fall in love, cause I'm CRAZY about snorting coke with dead hearted strangers, and being the tissue in someone's garbage, and the stain on someone's fucking mattress. I've just GOT to be the aging person at the after party, and lord knows I need to collect a few more choke bruises, because that's what makes me interesting, you know? What a fucking delight! Surely that's a better alternative. Surely that will be enough to keep  me from going down on a revolver."



"I sleep in the bathtub sometimes. Sometimes I just, 'freak out.' It could be anything. It could be something 'serious' or it could just be that I heard someone refer to themselves as 'polyamorous' or, like, someone said it would be 'hot' if I gave them a blowjob while they play Call of Duty, or, you know, I just can't stop thinking about every terrible thing I've ever done, or staring at my haggard aging face, and I'll just hyperventilate. I'll just cry and hyperventilate, and in an attempt to stop myself from crying and hyperventilating I'll injure myself in some gruesome manner, and then I'll eat a lot of medication and chug a lot of Kettle One, and drag a blanket into the bathtub and cover my head with it, in the dark , and I'll pretend I'm in the ground cause I'm already dead, and that's the most soothing thing. That's the closest thing to not existing."



"I just think about it like...I think about people like a Where's Waldo picture. You're just staring at this fucking...sea of shit trash, and you're always looking for this one person that's something other than shit trash, and sometimes you think you found the person, and you get really excited, but it turns out it's just one of those assholes that's there to 'trick' you, you know, one of those assholes that's mimicking what you're looking for, like, one of those motherfuckers that's wearing a red and white scarf or something, you know?"



"I care about shit. I care about shit and I feel shit, but why the fuck would I share that with anyone? People are disgusting. People are just dying to dig their lunch hooks into your fucking...'self,' you know, and mine it for as much content as they can grapple away. You just, you see people later, and you see the 'brand' they've created for themselves, and sometimes it's so full of you. Like, they're out there taking your feels and your cares, the shit that really means something to you, and they're using it to pass themselves off as...sincere. Using it to make it seem like there's something other than shit where their soul should be, and like their heart isn't litter in a fucking gutter. I don't want anyone to know me. I want to keep all that stuff locked up somewhere where no one can ruin it. And maybe I'll be alone forever. Maybe I'll drink myself to death and cats will eat my face off as my body rots undiscovered for months, but that's a less devastating thing maybe, cause...I don't know. Cause fuck everybody."



Wednesday, October 2, 2013

"Are you okay?" someone asked.

Moments where you find yourself praying to something in spite of the fact that you believe in nothing. Chanting some pathetic plea over and over as though it's doing anything other than echoing around the black death walls of your skull :D
So empty, yet so full (of shit).

Saturday, September 28, 2013

This thing keeps happening where I do stuff and then have no recollection of doing it, but it's not like I'm on drugs, I mean, I'm always sort of, I'm on drugs, but I'm not "on drugs" you know? But, what I'm saying is, it's probably not related to drug use. Like earlier, I went to the liquor store and I had my dog in the car, and then, everything after that is a blur...like, I don't remember how I got home, or like, if my dog is in the house, or...you know...I mean, I don't remember anything. I bought some chapstick, or, not chapstick but Smith's Rosebud Salve. That's the only thing I know for sure.


I don't remember anything I post on this blog. I felt really sad about the "Hurts So Good" thing. I've also been wondering about...I hear the high school band playing...I'm gonna say that I hear it playing almost constantly everyday between the hours of 5AM and 7PM. I thought, for sure, that couldn't be right. Like, I thought, for sure that's an auditory hallucination. Someone mentioned it the other day though, they mentioned, also hearing it constantly and then I felt better sort of.

I also feel like every time I have sex, the dude is playing Sea Change. Again, not sure if that's real.


I feel like, in my head, like, the song that would be playing on a loop would be, ugh...I don't know, "New Dawn Fades" or something, but you don't get to pick what song is playing. The soundtrack of your life is always chosen by "other" lol, like the stranger you're fucking or whatever mechanism chooses songs at walmart. God? Is it god? I don't know. What I'm saying, guys is, you don't get to choose the songs. God chooses the songs.

Also, I may not be a virgin, but my drink is(nt either, actually, jk).






Friday, September 27, 2013

Am I losing my mind or is "Hurts So Good" actually playing on a loop everywhere I go?

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The phrase, "I've got to be going," keeps coming into my head in every interaction I have with other people/regarding life in general.

Monday, September 16, 2013

I can see my 20s skin turning into 30s skin everyday. Every time I get out of the shower and look at my unmade up face I like, start crying.

Transcribed Conversations: On "Smart" People

I sometimes find myself reading. Reading a book or an article or something, and it's almost as though I've blacked out. I just 'wake up' suddenly, shoving more knowledge I don't want into my brain. It's like a person who wakes up choking on food it's shoving down its throat in an ambien haze. It sees a bright white light and thinks it's dying for a moment, before realizing, in shocked horror, it's standing in front of the refrigerator.

It's not like I really want to know anything. It's not like I'm saving up these tidbits of knowledge for some future interaction I might have. Because, you're never really going to have a conversation with a smart person, you know? You can't fuck with smart people. Not really. It's never about relating or enjoying each other's company. It's about them constantly searching every word that comes out of your mouth, every, you know, correspondence you ever have. They're always combing over it in their mind searching for clues. Clues that indicate they're smarter than you, that they "get it" more than you. That they're more fuckin'.... "self aware" than you. It never ends. They're always looking for evidence that you're actually a stupid fuckhead, believe me. Intelligent people don't believe in human connection. Deep down, they deny the idea of consonance between themselves and others. It's true. Think about it. Think about the percentage of your interactions that revolve around discussing other people being stupid fuckheads and how. Go ahead and think about that...that's not reserved for other people, they're doing it to you too, lol.



Friday, September 13, 2013

I'm sorry about all that...

I don't know what's wrong with me you guys. I can't stop. It's really out of control. It's been raining non stop for days, and I'm just like "laying about" watching cable news on mute listening to "Hold Me Now" by the Thompson Twins over and over, laughing hysterically at things that aren't technically funny.

"Modulistic terror A vast sadistic feast The only way to exit Is goingpiece by piece..."

"It Happened to Me: My Parents Adopted a Murderer..."

"I just f------ killed someone. I strangled them and slit their throat and stabbed them now they're dead. I don't know how to feel atm. It was ahmazing. As soon as you get over the 'ohmygawd I can't do this' feeling, it's pretty enjoyable. I'm kinda nervous and shaky though right now. Kay, I gotta go to church now...lol.""

"Teen partially decapitated by his own remote control helicopter..."

"brain eating amoeba found in Louisiana Parish water supply"

Saturday, September 7, 2013

If you know, like, a 45 year old dude that listens to Swans, I'll marry that motherfucker right now. Dead serious.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Full Disclosure

So, I was trying to sleep for the rest of my life, but then, someone started playing Mumford and Sons at an OUTRAGEOUS volume. And, I can't verify that, or elaborate on it, because, I don't actually know any songs by Mumford and Sons, I just have this, like, vague idea about what they must sound like in my head. So, this is either Mumford and Sons, or something that sounds the way Mumford and Sons sounds in my head. Then, they started using a chainsaw to do something. I can't confirm that either. I didn't look to make sure it was a chainsaw as opposed to some other kind of saw or sander or something, but it sounds the way a chainsaw sounds in my head and like...at first I hoped the person would die, and then that seemed really dramatic, and then I wanted to start crying but that also seemed really dramatic so I just got some iced coffee.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I've been getting really overwhelmed by, like...how shitty everyone feels all the time or something. Like, I got sort of upset the other night thinking about "real" moments I've had with other people. Like, there are so few that...they're memorable, you know? I was just thinking about these weird moments I'd had with other people where they were just being "genuine" and it made me feel bad. I thought about the next for however long I continue living, and...how all my interactions would be buried under like layers and layers of self conscious persona and...I don't know.

I started crying randomly while talking to one of my friends last night. We were drinking, and he had just tried to kill himself and I don't even remember what he was saying that would cause me to start crying, but I felt really bad because I didn't want him to think he was doing something bad, you know? Like, because suicidal people already feel like their like...constant abysmal depression is a burden on others, and I didn't want him to feel like...his feelings/presence were making me feel shitty or something. I don't even remember what happened exactly. After that it was fine and we talked about Austin and how it's like a badge of honor there to be like as unattractive and stupid looking as possible, and how I'd slept with this guy that lived there and he once told me, not j/k, like 100% serious, that "Beards have been 'over' in Austin for, like five years," and how, that's maybe the most "retarded" thing I've ever heard, and how, if that was true, he was clearly the only person who had, "gotten the memo." And we like laughed a lot and then I drove home. I don't know.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Guess Who

"I'm going to write a book called Mr. Bolonley. A children's story about how all the meats in the market hate bologna because only poor people eat it. And then, maybe how, in the end, the other meats learn that bologna is really just a combination of all the meats and so they learn to, like, accept diversity or something."

Friday, August 16, 2013

Pretty much every statement I ever make is an attempt at drawing attention to the fact that I'm a low life asshole. If I out anybody else as a low life asshole in the process, I really apologize for that.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

"There's a karaoke contest tonight. I'm gonna win some cash and seduce some bitches while I'm at it."

Yep. Definitely fucked that guy...

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

You know how everybody feels like nobody "gets" them? Or, like, nobody REALLY knows them? People express that they're obscuring their true self or something. I sometimes feel like nobody really know me because there isn't really a "me" to know. I mean, whatever.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Having an orgasm while puking and crying, but not like you think...

And then, is there a medication you can eat that can make your feels match up with your knows/make you more appreciative/make you want to live, even slightly?

Thursday, August 1, 2013

I was sleeping with this guy who liked to play this "game" that involved taking an ambien and seeing if you could cum before passing out.

I think it's "funner" when you replace the activity with taking, like, a 50 mile drive.

Monday, July 29, 2013

While looking at Courtney Love's insane, aging plastic surgery face, I could finally see the resemblance.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Rhetorical Questions

How much time do you think we've spent talking about Bruce Jenner, realistically?

Does he have, like, the facial equivalent of the root dick?

Is this it?

Should I continue living? But Seriously.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Feel really close to a #pointofnoreturn, lol. Like, I feel extremely close to either, "growing up" and being like, "I can't believe I'm going to fuck the same person for the rest of my life" and like, "I can't believe I'm going to work at this shitty ass job for the rest of my life," OR not doing that/going off the deep end/choking to death on my own puke while passed out on a dirty floor in 3-18 months.

It just seems like a really "crucial" time, lol.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Party Baby

My brain is Death Wish V: The Face of Death

My brain feels word salad-y, but at another time, like when I'm not mentally retarded from mixing different kinds of "drugs" there's so much I need to tell and show you.

Saturday, June 29, 2013


I actually do stay awake at night thinking of every terrible thing I've ever done.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Temptation Island

Keep thinking of my "relationships" as amounts of used condoms.

e.g. we "dated" for about 20 used condoms.
"When you deny your true self's very existence, it doesn't matter how depraved you let it become."

"Since your false image is just a phantom, there's no limit to how grandiose you can make it."

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


I think it's SO funny when someone sends me like....I don't really know what to call it so I'm just gonna go head and call it an emoticon...like an emoticon of a dick. Like a drawn out dick in text. Makes me laugh every time. Hilarious.
Don't send me a picture of your actual dick though. Like, if you know what's good for you, don't send me pictures of your dick.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

I Have to Return Some Video Tapes

I feel like...almost everyone I know has expressed some like feeling of being, "Dead inside." I sort of feel, "Dead inside," by proxy. Like, "If you can't beat 'em join 'em," lol.

Like, you know when you're first getting to know someone, and you have these conversations about who you like "are" and you want to "best" the other person as far as like being "cool" not giving a fuck about anything. Like one person is like, "Yeah, I haven't felt deeply since childhood. The last time I cried I was like 10." And you're like, "Yeah, I've actually never cried about anything in my life. Even when I was a baby, I have early memories of like feeling numb and staring at my unicorn mobile praying for crib death."

And then you both talk about how you "Don't take anything seriously," are, "Totally not a jealous person," and you're, "Friends with all your exes!" And you talk about sexual fantasies and the guy is always like, "I don't really have any sexual fantasies...I mean I've pretty much done everything, it's whatever, it's amazing how boring sex can be." And then you say something like, "Yeah, haha," and then you like "riff" on that notion for a while, being sure to add that you really haven't, "Been with," a lot of people, but you're totally, "Down," to try new things, "With the right person."

I feel like, next time that happens to me, I'm not gonna like...do that. Next time I'm "getting to know" someone, and they're like, "Yeah, I'm basically an emotional void," I'm gonna be like, "Wow, really? I'm not like that at all. I have TONS of feelings. I'm like, the most emotional person ever. I fall in love really easily, and I have a SUPER bad 'temper' like, I get in fights all the time LOLOLOL. When me and my ex boyfriend were breaking up, we were sitting at the kitchen table, and we'd been drinking a little, and I don't even remember what we were fighting about, but I just started crying and screaming, like, 'YOU'RE EXACTLY LIKE MY FATHER,' and I must have 'blacked out' or something, because I totally like tried to stab him in the hand with this knife, from this set that his mother bought us. Totally hated her BTW, but anyway, he wound up calling the cops! We're totally friends now, though. We laugh about it all the time!"

And like, "Man, I have a lot of sexual fantasies. It's almost like...a type of obsessive compulsive disorder where I have these recurring thoughts of graphic sexual violence. I have fantasies about having my 'intelligence' permanently reduced through grievous bodily injury, like, just being hit in the head over and over again, or like repeatedly strangled nearly to the point of brain death. It's funny though, because, like, I LOVE cuddling."


They have motorized scooters at Walmart now for people who are too like fat to walk/shop for extended time.

Friday, May 31, 2013


"Please 'intelligently' justify your feelings about Taylor Swift," I thought.


When I think about it, "Because that's the way it is," is actually, like, the most valid response I can think of.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Eat (Medication) When You Feel Sad

Anonymous: "Hey could you tell me what you think of this model, I'm curious" *picture attached*

24 hrs later

"Hey, seems 'cute.' Sorry. I ate a lot of medication and woke up with cuts all over my arms. No recollection except I have a vague memory of getting out of a moving car and walking like five miles and crying inside of a church, but so anyway, let's talk about work stuff tomorrow. I have a headache."

Saturday, May 25, 2013


I like when you're talking to a person and they're like, "Remember so and so" like let's say the persons name is Julie, like "Hey, remember Julie?" and you're like umm no I don't think so, and then they're like, "YES YOU DO!!!!!! Julie blahblahblah!l" and then they tell you a bunch of like personal and physical information about the person and then you're like, "Yeah, I'm sorry, like, I don't know who that is." Then they start rolling their eyes and are like "I'm gonna look up her facebook, hold on" and then you make a face like you're thinking, and you go, "Ohhhhh, Julie blahblahblah. Yeah, I remember now haha." and then the person puts their phone down and starts laughing and is like, "YES, see! I told you! You always want to argue," and then you're like, yeah, it's ME that likes to argue, haha, but you just smile and nod and maybe even make some type of "joke" like "Yeah, I should have been a litigator haha," and the other person's like "yeah, haha" and you feel really satisfied that you remembered that you can just lie to people when you don't want to talk anymore.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


If I see something like a band/"zine"/store/whatever, and it involves the word like..."dad" or like "666" I know it's really good. Like, I know immediately that its a thing that can survive on its own merits, not some like fraudulent pussy bullshit relying on a played out gimmick to get attention for itself. You know?

I kind of hope everyone I used to know but don't know anymore is dead, you know?


"I hope that picture is the top of YOUR head," I thought, because you're definitely going bald.


I can't wait to like pretend I care about socializing with people while putting clothes on people in a hot ass room full of lights with no air conditioning #livingthedream

Only my forehead is aging. I have like fat cheeks or whatever so like...part of my face looks 20 and part of my face looks 65.

To be perfectly honest, every time I "fail" at something, it's kind of a relief, like...thank "god" I don't' have to "try" or care anymore.

Friday, May 17, 2013


Is there a difference between "discipline" and "self respect?" Not sure, but if there is, I have neither.

Is there like an age where tip toeing out of a house quietly at 5 AM with your shoes and bra in your arms becomes "sad" or is that just crazy sexy cool forever?

Added Note: My head is killing me.

Thursday, May 16, 2013


Found myself admiring a strip mall. Like, I thought something like, "That's my favorite strip mall."

There's a park across the street from it and the strip mall seemed so like....superior. Like no one was standing in the middle of the strip mall doing tai chi or whatever.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Monday, May 13, 2013

Or Whatever

"My tears don't taste salty," I thought, crying in my car after running out of someone's bedroom.

"I can't believe breast implants are a real thing that exists," I thought, five minutes later.

"Satan is a 1-800 number that resides in your dark heart," someone said.

Yes, that seems right.

Saturday, May 11, 2013


I have makeup all over my face and my conscience is disappearing.

Sunday, May 5, 2013


One time I was at Sundance and I saw this short film and it was just like a REALLY old man going down on a REALLY old woman and like, it wasn't a joke.

When someone asks me how I'm doing I like to respond with a non sequitur:

"Cum Drunk"

"Dolly Parton's face"

"90s murdering hitch hiker motif"

"Dennis Rodman's fashion sense"


"Eh...Hangin' on by a thread." *pause* "Jk"

Saturday, May 4, 2013


I've had food poisoning which is "funny" bc a few months ago I was "joking" about how I wanted to get food poisoning.

Having weird paranoid thoughts about how you never really "know" anyone.

Monday, April 29, 2013


Happy late birthday to "Larry." ILY bb. So sorry I'm a few hours late. Im such a fucking failure. I really missed seeing you over Christmas : ( I liked your Thy Schmoes vid. I really liked that song. Cortney is such a babe.

Hope you had a "good" one.

Friday, April 26, 2013


Going to a "photo shoot" at 11. I've been sitting in a chair for like 50-60 minutes, staring at nothing, occasionally getting the urge to dry heave.

Just googled "present life regression."

Thursday, April 25, 2013




Thank god (or whatever) you're alive. You are so beautiful (to me).


I wish we were getting wasted with John Giancaspro.


AND/OR committing a hate crime.


Felt an overwhelming sense of dread as I watched a morbidly obese woman push the silver handicapped circle that opens the door for you.

"You are not disabled," I thought, "Please just use one of the limbs attached to your massive carcass to open the door, PLEASE."

"I can't do this," I thought, regarding leaving the house again, ever.



"I can't do this," I thought, panicking, as I read "selected excerpts" from a book.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


I can't talk to anyone bc the only thoughts that go through my head lately are like, "Yes, Jeffrey Campbells with a lucite heel are a great styling investment" and "You know, Bad Religion was a pretty good band, yeah, seriously, I like Bad Religion" and like, "Embellished baseball caps, yes or no?" and like, "Kush is a solid font choice."

Feels sort of Patrick Bateman esque.

Sometimes like, my mind wanders to other things like "life" things, not really "deep" things though, just like, "All my relationships are doomed" and like, "I don't really fantasize about other people during sex, but I sometimes fantasize about other people during banal conversations, and by sometimes, I mean always."

Just in case you were wondering, the form of communication I feel most comfortable with is the text message.

Monday, April 22, 2013


"Perhaps I'm subconsciously alienating myself," I thought.

"What if babies came out of your asshole instead," I thought.

"Trill," I thought.

I'm just taking some ME(ntal illness) time.


Thursday, April 18, 2013


"I feel more emotions watching Battlestar Galactica than I do in real life. #deadinside."

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


I just want to say that I'm not "depressed." Like, I feel "fine." I'm just "busy" or something.

When I feel not depressed, I feel more like everything is the same +/-10. You know what I mean? Like I really have nothing to say. Like today is the same as yesterday +/-10 or whatever.



Monday, April 15, 2013

Can I Get a (Fuck You)

I wish I had been born a narcissistic shit that protects my own feelings above all else. Above listening, and being considerate, especially. I wish I let my dumb rage guide my decision making process, yapping loudly in an attempt to "shut down" any criticisms of myself so I could live the rest of my life with my head shoved into the dark, comforting tunnel of my asshole.






Thursday, April 11, 2013


"I will never be part of 'the dating scene,'" I thought.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Rough Week

I think if you're going to go off on someone, like, write something on the internet or mumble something under your breath, or take passive aggressive shitty ass jabs, you should really sit the fuck down and ask yourself something. Like, think back to your birth, and everything you can ever remember doing, and ask yourself, "Am I an asshole?"

*SPOILER ALERT* The answer is yes.

Like, think about all the times you made mistakes, didn't follow directions, said cunty bullshit things, and overall just acted like a stupid, shitkicking fuck. Like, SERIOUSLY, before you berate another person, ask yourself if you shouldn't, instead, just STFU.

If it still feels justified to you: 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013


Sometimes I'm supposed to be doing something. Reading/making a look book/editing photos/writing code, and I stop for a minute to google some thought that comes into my head and it turns out every thought in my head is a thread on bodybuilding forums, and like before I know it, I've been looking at bodybuilding forums for like an 1+ hour(s).

Can someone just like...talk shit to me about getting my life together like an abusive alcoholic stepdad/coach or slap me or something? I don't mean slap me like an old timey black and white film but like REALLY slap the shit out of me.


Monday, April 1, 2013


Hey "gang." Just wanna say like "ILY" and sorry. I've been so busy I don't have time to like think or talk or do anything. I'll talk to "y'all" soon.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


There really is something "funny" about getting a summons for jury duty.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Thursday, March 21, 2013


Earlier, I was sitting in my bed and my dog poked his head into the door, and I was like, "Come here, Bear, come see me," and I tapped the bed indicating that I wanted him to come up. He looked at me, then threw up on my boot and walked away.

Monday, March 18, 2013


So like, hey. I miss you guys. Everyone wants me to go to Psych Fest. Can I pull that together in a month? Seems unlikely, but we'll see what the universe has in store.

What do you call a person you're sleeping with that isn't your "boyfriend," that is probably, actually your "boyfriend" but neither of you feel comfortable referring to each other as things like "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" because it's gross? Just, "Muh man?" Let's just go with that.

So, I was at "muh man's" house, and he says to me, nonchalantly, "I was reading this article earlier about this Connecticut supreme court case. It might make it a crime to have 'sadomasochistic' sex with a 'mentally ill' person."

I shook my head, and thought, "That's interesting." Then I read this article about Lawrence V. Texas and had my mind blown because "sodomy" was illegal in thirteen states until ten years ago.

Anyway though, I thought about it later, and I wondered did he just read about that because it's like, a "current event" or was he googling the legality of having "belt sex" with a "mentally ill" girl?

I guess I'll never know.

Speaking of mentally ill, you might wonder, "Hey Raye, do you hold grudges?" Like, "If someone 'fucks' you, metaphorically speaking, do you 'let it go' or do you think about it forever and ever?"

Good question.

This is a bag of bullets:

And you can look at this as an exercise in symbolism or actual insanity, but each of the bullets is specifically labeled. I can't say whether or not I hold grudges, but I can tell you one thing for sure, if you're a shitty human being, I've got a bullet with your name on it ; )

Friday, March 15, 2013

Week in Review

"Hurting you reminds me of petting a small cat. They always seem like they want you to stop, and then when you do, they're back at you, rubbing their face against your hand."


"Instead of taking 30 sleeping pills, why don't I just take like two and see if I get tired," I thought.


"I used to think emoticons were stupid, but now I understand that they are the only logical way to express yourself."


What 'Dating' Me is Like (NOT HOW YOU THINK).

We are "making out" on your couch, and you are wearing a suit for some reason, because we are both wasted, even more than usual. I start laughing because, in my head, I can't stop imagining this:


So, you're like, "Why are you laughing?" and I'm like, I don't really want to talk about it. So you keep kissing me, but I'm like, laughing into your mouth, and I'm like "Okay, okay. I'm laughing because....it's stupid that you're wearing a suit, and I keep picturing you with a horse head. Like, I just keep envisioning a suit with a fucking horse head attached to it." You look at me like I'm stupid, and then you start like pulling my hair and mashing my face, but I keep laughing. "Look," I say, "Being more 'brutal' won't help because like...that's what a horse head in a suit would do." You like, climb off of me and sit down and shake your head. "I can't have sex right now," I say, "But do you want to teach me how to do calculus?"

"Seriously?" You ask.

"Yeah, seriously. I mean, I'm pretty good at math, but the less actual numbers there are, the more I get confused. If you teach me how to do calculus, I might see you as like a professor or something instead of a horse head."






Thursday, March 14, 2013

Still the Funniest Thing I've Ever Seen

"What's a gang bang?" Seems self explanatory. Her "manager" ahahahahaha. Tyra went to Harvard : )


Sometimes when I come home after a night of debauchery, at 27 years of age, at 4 AM, I'm like, "Fuck, my life is a joke," and it's like this emoticon xD

And sometimes I'm like, "Fuck, my life is a joke," and it's this emoticon :'(

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

If You Can't Live Alone You Were Born as a Slave

"I want to be destroyed," I thought.

Here's some cute pictures of animals sleeping:


Monday, March 11, 2013


I slept off 24 of the last 48 hours. Tomorrow I'm going to pretend to be alive, because, you know, "fake it 'till you make it."

Friday, March 8, 2013

Top Bunk

Been feeling a lot of disgusting negativity lately. I think my immune system is like "weak" from hating everything/myself #lol. I keep getting "sick" in various ways. I don't usually get sick. I try not to talk, or talk to anyone when I'm a fuckhead. Not because I'm afraid of what I'll say, just like...I'm afraid of what I'll think during conversations. Like the negativity in my head is so intense that like...no matter who is talking to me and no matter what they're saying, I'm thinking some fuckheaded thing. Like, someone will be like, "I love you," and I'll be like, "Well then, you're a fucking idiot," in my head or something. Like, I don't want to be "like that." Because like, I don't think the person is an idiot. Like if I REALLY thought that I wouldn't be talking to them.

I think it's okay to like vomit out my thoughts here though, like a teenager with a moleskin notebook.

Dear Diary,

I dated this guy for a lot of years who's a buddhist now. He thinks buddhism is like "the answer." Not "talking shit." Like, "the answer" is subjective. Just, like, buddhism, like, I "get it." Desire causes suffering and shit, but also, desire seems to cause everything in life that is objectively worth doing. I was talking to this person recently and he was like, "Meditating can get rid of your sexual desires," and I was like, "Yeah, but why the fuck would I want to get rid of my sexual desires?" I was telling my best friend about it, and how I would rather "eat a bullet" than become a buddhist. My friend said, "Yeah, it's pretty much the most boring thing imaginable. Eliminating desire is kind of like saying, 'I can hold in my shit....FOREVER.'" Pretty much the best analogy I've ever heard.


It's really not valid to say you are "unsure" of what something means. Like...If I say "You're my best friend," and you say, "Unsure of what the word 'friend' means," like, WTF, man. First of all, no, you're not. Secondly, if you truly are "unsure" of what a word means, you should use the typing apparatus on the abysmal machine you're staring into to look it up in the search bar. When you're having a conversation with someone, it's only possible because there's an unspoken agreement that words mean specific things. I mean, people are always like, "Semantics," in like a dismissive, sarcastic tone, but like...semantics is important guys #lol.

Imagine like, someone is trying to have sex with you and you say "NO," and someone has sex with you anyway, and then says, "Unsure of what the word 'NO' means."

I think degrading the importance of meaning is "bullshit." Like, I can't think of any reason why that's positive or good for humanity.


I don't understand having "talks." Like, "We need to have a talk." A relationship is just "hanging out" and "having sex." It exists for a finite amount of time. Like either one person decides they don't want to "hang out" and "have sex" anymore, or like one person dies. I don't understand the need to like "check in." I don't understand the need to treat a relationship like it's a Facebook and needs constant "status updates." It just like...exists until it doesn't exist anymore, much like life.

It's like...what I'm saying is...the "check ins" and "status updates" will not help you. They will not make the relationship less finite, or ease your anxieties. The only thing I can do is like "hang out" and "have sex" and like talk, but not "have a talk." Like I can communicate with you, but I can't like make you feel things. Like, only you can make you feel things. You can say, "WHAT IS THIS?" or "WHAT ARE WE DOING?" and I can say, "Don't worry. We are 'hanging out.' We are 'having sex.' I like you. Right now, I am here. I like you." That's all I can say.

FUCK IT or FEEL IT, you know? Like...it's so exhausting how everything has to be a long drawn out "thing." Like, passive aggressive, prying "talks" and like competitions to see who gives a shit about who the least. Right now I just want to exist with you.  I just want to play a role in your bedroom scenes.


Scare quotes IRL:


Do I seem "suicidal" to you? Because all I wanna do is have some fun, I got a feelin' I'm not the only one.










Thursday, March 7, 2013

Happy "B-Day" Frank.

"Rock n roll."


Thought pretty seriously about throwing myself in front of the train yesterday, but I'm not really "depressed."

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

There's No Life Like Low Life

This morning I went to the drug store in my pajamas and bought coffee, cigarettes, condoms and the shit you take when you have a urinary tract infection that makes you piss orange.

Sunday, March 3, 2013


Was compared to both "Hannah"/Lena Dunham on Girls, and Courtney Love this week.

Batting a thousand.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Last Time I Was in LA

I went to this bar in The Valley with a bunch of crust punx and people from some reality show involving growing crazy facial hair. My friend referred to the bar as, "The site of my future rape." At some point the song "Bow Down" by Westside Connection was played and everyone in the bar sang the chorus while making the "bow down" motion. It was weird. I ate some MDMA and everyone seemed a lot more interesting than they were. It was also my birthday. Some guy in one of the bands said into the microphone, "It's Raye's birthday, buy her some drinks and try to get in her panties."

Teeth Dreams

I wake up in a cold sweat practically screaming when I hear my phone ring, and instinctively push ignore. It takes me several minutes to remember I’m in the guest bed at my mother’s house again, and the person calling is my psychiatrist. I hear a nature program playing at a deafening volume in the living room. When he calls again, I answer in a scratchy voice.

“Hello!” He says, with mock irritation, “Rough night?”

“No—well, yeah, but not like you think. I forgot you were calling.”

I see Dr. Jonathan Tierny once a week. Under normal circumstances, we sit in a well lit room and have mostly meaningless conversations varying from neutral and friendly to tense and passive aggressive. He insists that I call him Jon. He looks young, barely older than me I’d say, but it could just be bookish goofiness that lends itself to the appearance of youth. He wears small gold framed glasses and basketball shoes. I asked him if he was a sports fanatic and he said no. They’re just the only shoes that fit him.

“What’d you get up to last night?” he asks.

“I went to a party. The important thing is, I stayed technically ’sober.’ Less importantly, I saw some tits, and a Damien mouth raped my face.”

“What’s a Damien?”

“I’m not really sure. I don’t know if it was a demon or a type of human being.”

“Well that sounds exciting.”

“I guess ‘exciting’ is a certain way of putting it.”


I just keep thinking like everything I do is a joke. I always think like, I'm going to do _______________ because that's fucking funny. Then something happens, like the joke always gets "out of control" somehow.

I want to write a series of short stories and call it "jizz baths."

Thursday, February 28, 2013


So I have two best friends, one is named Ryan. I woke up this morning and a bunch of people found my blog by searching "RYAN G---- CAUSE OF DEATH." I felt dizzy and like vomiting. LUCKILY, it was a dude with the same name in another city. Sorry boutcha to the dead guy though.

I texted Ryan and was like "ily" thank god you're alive I just peed my pants.
He said he was high as fuck and watching Fear and Loathing and that he'd be the dead one soon enough.

People keep saying my writing is,"Too depressing." Keep thinking "Is there such a thing?" + "Guys, I'm writing about bored rich white ppl, it IS depressing but....AIDS in Africa bitches, ya know?"

I'm sleeping with a guy that reminds me of Ted Bundy. Like he sort of looks like Ted Bundy and is probably a psychopath. People keep asking, "Should I be worried?" I don't know. Should you?

I decided that, yes, you can fuck someone until they love you.

Monday, February 25, 2013


Let me tell you a secret. Something "naughty" you may not know. ALL women want to shove something into your pisshole. It's true. I know it sounds scary and painful. "That's an 'out' hole!" you're thinking. Don't be such a prude. Light some candles, put on your favorite song. Let her give you a "sensual" full body massage and relax. If you don't let her do this, she'll find someone who will. It feels good, but not how you think. Trust.

Sunday, February 24, 2013


Tacking, "but not how you think" to the end of any sentence is the funniest thing ever I decided.


Something you may not know is that I wake up at like 5:30 in the morning. It's weird because no one I know is awake for like six hours after I get up. Like almost a whole workday passes before I speak to anyone.

I've been thinking about Nicholas Sparks all day. I need to know more.

Friday, February 22, 2013


You know that stupid like "When one door closes...." cliche? It's true, but like, not how you think, lol.

Thursday, February 21, 2013


No, I don't want to talk about feelins, Just want to fuck and party baby: a memoir.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Just want to vomit out like everything I was actually thinking when I was like, "it's fine" or "I'm fine" or "fuck it" or "whatever, nevermind" for like the last two years. Like an itemized list or something, but then when I think about it, it all boils down to like, "everything is stupid" or "who cares" and then "whatever, nevermind" and then, actually, "it's fine" like the end is the beginning is the end. Puuuuuuke.


I anticipate spending the next several days in bed in the dark feeling extreme self loathing, eating medication, and melting. #lol

I'll be in touch.


Trading photos of everything you eat throughout the day with a friend while exchanging "friend"(ly) banter like, "I hope you plan on throwing that up soon," and other "sick" behaviors...

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Monday, February 18, 2013

"I Think I Found a Letter From You"

It says,

"Sorry for getting drunk and putting a tampon in your drawer. Thanks for sleeping with me. Love you, Rachel Noel"

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Conversations That Happened Before 10 AM 2/16

Person says, "I can't keep an erection without some type of physical or emotional violence."

I say, "Seems normal."


Person says, "Stop scratching your arm."

I say, "I'm not."

Person says, "I saw you, I'm just saying, that's not 'healthy.'"

I say, "Can you please stop like...'eyeing' me or whatever, it's really annoying. I'm just trying to drink juice."

Person sits in forever seeming silence, makes exasperated sigh, "Honestly rachel, I don't even want to be alive."

I laugh, "I don't know what that has to do with...anything, but okay."

Person says, "No, I'm serious, I really don't want to be alive anymore."

I put on sunglasses and bite into the fleshy part of my hand to prevent myself from laughing.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Obligatory Post About February 14th

"I hope to feel unrealistic delusions about someone to such a degree that I will pretend relationships are not a fucking joke for a period of six months to two years at some point again in the future."

But seriously folks.

Just a VD(ay) reminder: he wants to jizz on your face, but not why you think.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


Do you know the song "Never Been Any Reason?" It's this 70s classic rock song. I was listening to it yesterday, and I was like, who sings that song? My "dad" is a classic rock "DJ" so....I'm pretty versed the genre, or whatever, I looked it up, and I was expecting it to be some "famous" type band, and it's not. It's a "One Hit Wonder" by a band called Head East.

"WOW Raye, that's really interesting!" said no one.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


Taking a nap so I don't take an overdose.

50/50 kidding/serious.


Why does being dumb feel sooooooo good? I don't mean in a Flowers for Algernon way where you don't know the difference, but specifically, when you do.

Like, why do I feel immediate, overwhelming, self hating guilt after saying anything that might be considered "intelligent" responsible thought?

Is that "normal?"

Also, I was reading an essay just now and thought, "Not all metaphors are 'winners.'"

In All Seriousness Though...

Wasn't Metallica rad before they, "Cut their hair like faggots?"

Monday, February 4, 2013

In Other News

Just wanna say thanks to everyone I went to pretentious overpriced art skewl with for keeping me on their "mailing list." The thing I've missed most about not having a Facebook is being made aware of the "accomplishments" of shitty people I haven't talked to in five years.

Conversations 2/4

"Remember when you took me on a 'date' to that 'party' in the Inland Empire and that dude J--- got so high that he straight up started eating handfuls of weed out of a bag and referring to white people as 'non-niggers?'"


"So N----was telling me that her and and her boyfriend like NEVER have sex. She said like...she'll walk into their bedroom naked and he'll blow her off to watch football and shit."

"Seems gay, bro."

"Seems like the least 'gay' thing I've ever heard. Like, I don't know any gay, or otherwise self respecting person that would rather watch people toss a dot on a screen than fuck."


Sometimes, like once a year, I get the feeling whatever's been occupying my thoughts for the past year is completely irrelevant. Like all the things I cared about most/thought were important don't matter at all.


Sunday, February 3, 2013


Why do I have such an aversion to horses?


Dear Sexyvixen,

One time I was talking to you about horses, and you said anyone who has "no opinion" about horses "seems like a sociopath."

In my head, that's like, the funniest/most relevant thing anyone has ever said.


I think the only thing that's worse than not caring about anything is pretending to care about things.

Like, people who pretend to care about voting, or women that wear like NFL apparel or something.

Just to Let You Know

I dyed my hair pastel, like cotton candy pink. I totally understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore.

Love (Or Whatever)

So, a long time ago, not really that long, but probably like a year and a half ago, I remember someone telling me that, every time they ever told someone they loved them, they were lying. Like, they were saying it out of obligation. If you've been with a person for a long time, you just say I love you. That sort of thing. They talked about the semantics of love vs in love. "Real" love, if you will.

I was talking to someone earlier and they said this really simple thing, and it seems like something sort of "clicked" in my head about something. Like, I suddenly understood something that was unclear to me before. They said, "People who are always looking for 'real' love, are never going to find it." They said, "Certain things aren't choices, but 'real' love is a choice." They went on to say things about how people are always looking at other people's relationships and films and so forth and thinking "Why can't I have THAT?" And they said, you can't have it, because you believe that you don't. In your head you have chosen to believe that there is something "better" to find.

I totally "got" it. It reminded me of these maudlin song lyrics

"It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love..."

I realized, then, how a girl could fuck a talking pig in a car.

Friday, February 1, 2013

(Not Quite) Multiple Choice

The fact that you still want to have sex even though I have the flu:

A) Creepy and desperate


B) Extremely flattering


I just wanna party, baby.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


I'm really sick. Just saying because like...if I'm supposed to do something/respond to something/do work/ be engaging/fuck you because it's your birthday or whatever, I don't know man...expect a delay, and like, I'm sorry.

Conversation 1/30

"The Twenties really fuck people up because society is so ageist that people feel like if they don't get 'famous' within a small window, they'll never get 'famous.' Which is ridiculous. Whatever happened to being genuinely interesting and mysterious, and intelligent? Just because that's who you are, not because you want to be written about in VICE magazine."

"Yeah, like...just being interesting because there's some small part of your humanity that's still in tact. Like...being interesting so other people don't want to suicide when you talk."

"Remember the days when you weren't 'famous' until after you died? NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL FAMOUS Vol. 1."

"I think I 'get' it. I think, ultimately, everything just boils down to the fact that everyone wants someone to fuck them. Like, everyone wants to be wanted, and someone fucking you is the most like...basic, quantifiable evidence that someone thinks you are 'good.' 'Back in the day' there were only so many ways you could meet another human. So much competition. You really had to be as interesting as you could. You really had to compel someone to want to fuck you. Now it's like, there are a million reminders of how many people there are, and it's SO easy to find another person with low self esteem/garbage/a cum dumpster to put your dick inside of. It's like...take a generation of people whose self esteem is SO out of proportion to their accomplishments/what they 'are' and couple that with the fact that it's way too easy to get laid and it really creates like...a nightmare."


"If you can't get laid in this culture, it's not because you're not what society deems 'desirable.' It's because there's a place you're not willing to let yourself go, or because there's something you fundamentally don't understand. As ugly as you feel on the outside, is how ugly everyone KNOWS they are on the inside. Underneath it all, all the narcissism and posturing and #swag, everyone knows they are worthless. Fucking nothing. If you understand that principle, you can get ANYONE to have sex with you. That's why everyone wants to be 'famous.' Because, inside, they're just a limitless void. If people understood that NO amount of external validation can 'fix' you, everything would be okay. Like, if people took a moment to examine their desperate need for attention, people could be 'happy.' People could be 'good.'But that's just not how 'people' are."


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

And Also

I am vaguely enjoying having the flu.


This is a story SOMEONE told me earlier involving the flu that I enjoyed:

So, right when swine flu was hitting B----'s insane druggy, drag queen friend KIKI was living in Hawaii. KIKI is a drama queen and would go on binges for weeks and then lie in bed dramaticallyyy...So one time, he was couch surfing and wouldn't get up at all, all day for like...a long time, and everyone was like, "WTF, WTF is up KIKI?" And he, dramatically, in a Phillip voice (I know Phillip voice means nothing to you, but just imagine it as the voice of a crazy, wasted, dramatic person) would say, "I have the swine flu" and everyone was like "STFU KIKI, no you don't. Get up." So, eventually, he goes to the doctor, and the doctor is like, "Um, you have the swine flu. You actually DO have the swine flu. You are the first person to have it in Hawaii, and we have to quarantine you." So, basically, this huge media hub bub happened, and he was on every news channel being interviewed as the face of swine flu in Hawaii. So insane. I mean, imagine this drugged out, insane looking drag queen on the news giving interviews as the face of swine flu in Phillip voice. Also, mainly, how the fuck did he get the swine flu? Like, what crazy binge results in you contracting the swine flu on an island in the middle of nowhere?

Teeth Dreams

He puts his thumb up to the small string that connects your gums to the top of your lip, forcing my mouth apart. He puts one finger in, then two, then three, and I can feel myself gagging. I try to push them out with my tongue, and he spreads them out, pulling my cheeks apart, like a dentist. Or a murderer. I put my hands up to his forearm, scratching, and bite down.

"Jesus," he says, immediately yanking backward, examining his skin for blood. "Did I hurt you?"

My mouth feels dry, and salty, like I can't shut it, and I speak in a very quiet voice, "No--I just--don't like that."

"Sorry. You said you were like, into rough shit."

"You can do whatever you want--just--not that. I don't--like that." I push my lips closed with my hand and frown.

He looks down at me, and laughs, making a scrunched up face then rolls over onto his side. He tilts his head back and shakes it. "That always freaks me out. Like--people's limitations. You can slap the shit out of somebody, or call them a cunt and it's totally fine, but if you spit on them, they'll freak out. Everybody's got some--thing. It's weird."

"It's not like that. It's not like--a degrading thing--I just--have these nightmares. It reminds me of something."

He sits up, pulling a blanket against his emaciated carcass, and reaches his long arm to the floor for a pack of cigarettes, and lights one. "What?"

"It reminds me that--everyone's face is a lie."

He takes a drag and smiles, "What does that mean?"

"It means--with your hand like that---it reminds me of my teeth. It reminds me that--if you pull the mask back--you're just a skull underneath."

Monday, January 28, 2013


Listened to the David Byrne and St. Vincent album. Thought,"Dear David Byrne, stop making sense music."



Constantly telling myself people are joking, even though I know they're not because I could not otherwise handle being alive.

Wearing headphones in public, I think, makes people want to talk to you MORE.


Sunday, January 27, 2013

Do That to Me, Do that to My Anatomy....

Always a day late and a dollar short, but as promised a list and link to the exhaustive playlist. How do you compare to the other sick fucks that hang out around here? Who do you think chose what and who do you want to share a "fuck jam" with? Also, if you wanted to add something but didn't for some reason, "HMU." sisterraye@gmail.com.

Also, added note, I tried to put songs more than one person picked by a certain band together, but toward the end, it got overwhelming and I got kind of lazy.

TLC - Red Light Special Lyrics

Miguel - Quickie

Let Me Love You- Mario

Lil' Kim - Not Tonight

Lil' Kim How Many Licks

Lil' Kim -- The Jump Off

Lil' Kim-Drugs

Lil Kim - We Don't Need It

Ginuwine - My Pony

No Diggity - Blackstreet

Nas - The Don

ludacris - p-poppin'

This is how we do it - Montell Jordan

Crime Mob- Rock yo hips

69 Boyz - Tootsie Roll

Make Love In This Club - Usher

Missy Elliott ft. Nas, Eve & Lil Mo - Hot Boyz

Missy Elliot 4 MY PEOPLE

Next - Too Close

Walk On By - Isaac Hayes (1969)

Stevie B - Spring Love

Lost Generation - Let Me Out

The Underbeats - Love To You

Thee Headcoatees - Come Into My Mouth

Personal and the Pizzas - Tearjerker

BARE WIRES - One More Hour of Love

Mac Demarco ''Rock And Roll Nightclub''

Woven Bones - If It Feels Alright

Royal Baths - Faster Harder

Lou Reed - Perfect Day

Depeche Mode - The Dead of the Night

Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence

The Kills- Hitched

The Kills- Black Rooster

The Kills - Tape Song


Sister Machine Gun - Burn

SCOTT WALKER-The Cockfighter

Puscifer-Drunk with Power

Puscifer - Vagina Mine Visualizer

A perfect circle-The Nurse Who Loved Me

Relaxed Muscle - Sexualised

The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Feel So Good

Brian Jonestown Massacre-Wisdom

Brian Jonestown Massacre - Evergreen

The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Hide and Seek

The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Open Heart Surgery

Pink Floyd-Young Lust

Mac DeMarco - "Ode To Viceroy"

Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti- Baby


Brian Eno -"I'll Come Running"

Brian Eno -Baby's On Fire


T.Rex - 20th Century boy

T - Rex - Buick Mackane

VAST - Pretty When You Cry

VAST - Touched

Nicolas Jaar - Mi Mujer

Gunther & The Sunshine Girls - Touch Me

Joy Division - Disorder

Massive Attack-"Teardrop"

TALKING HEADS - Sugar On My Tongue

Beck-Nicotine and Gravy

Marilyn Manson - User Friendly

Marilyn Manson - The Dope Show

Marilyn Manson - The Nobodies

The Black Keys-Your Touch

t.A.T.u-All About Us

The Beatles-Yellow Submarine

M83 - Midnight City

Blur - Girls & Boys

Suede - Animal Nitrate

Suede- The Drowners

Suede- Poor Little Rich Girl

Garbage- No. 1 Crush

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Art Star

Leonard Cohen- I'm Your Man

Love and Rockets- So Alive

Sonic Youth- Dirty Boots

Sonic Youth-Silver Rocket

Sonic Youth- Self Obsessed and Sexxee

Sonic Youth and Cypress Hill- I Love You Mary Jane

Sonic Youth- Doctor's Orders

The Jesus and Mary Chain-Her Way of Praying

The Jesus and Mary Chain- Teenage Lust

The Jesus and Mary Chain- Perfume

The Jesus and Mary Chain- Cracking Up

Danzig- She Rides

The Misfits- Cough Cool

The Stooges- I Wanna Be Your Dog

Glass Candy- Hurt

My Bloody Valentine- I Believe

Black Octopus Lipstick Project- Hot Sinners

Death From Above 1979- Sexy Results

Death From Above 1979- Little Girl

Health- Die Slow

Singapore Sling- Martian Arts

Singapore Sling- I Hate You

Folk Implosion- Natural One

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- Spread Your Love

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- Red Eyes and Tears

The Black Angels- Don't Play With Guns

DIIV- Doused

Young Magic- Slip Time

Boards of Canada - Mukinabaht

Stephan Bodzin - Bedford

Múm- We Have A Map Of The Piano

Clinic- Come Into Our Room

Clinic- Walking With Thee

Clinic- The Equalizer

Al Green- Let's Stay Together

Jackie Gleason & His Orchestra - Moonlight Becomes You

Wolfgang Gartner - Undertaker

Zapp & Roger - Computer Love

Alice Cooper-Poison

Ministry- Lay Lady Lay

Extreme- More Than Words

Guns n Roses- November Rain

Last of the Mohicans- The Gael

Gurdjieff - Seekers of the Truth


Muddy Waters - Mannish Boy

The Beastie Boys- Girls

Lynyrd Skynyrd-Free Bird

NIN- March of the Pigs

The Beatles - Across The Universe

YG - Toot It And Boot It

Jon Lord - Bouree

Bus Stop... In Your Mind

Ennio Morricone-Peur Sur La Ville

Ennio Morricone-The Man With The Harmonica

K.D Lang - Constant Craving

9+ hours worth of sexual encounters-




Friday, January 25, 2013


I made a playlist of "fuck jams" with reader contributions, that is, BY FAR, the largest playlist ever made for this site. Everyone is SUCH a pervert.

I was struck by two things...the fact that people GENUINELY like to listen to smooth RnB jams while "getting it on" and that you all sure like to rock out with your goth out.

Not going to call anyone out by name, just going to say that "The Cockfighter" by Scott Walker is BY FAR the creepiest/scariest choice.


Thursday, January 24, 2013


"I learn how one person's total attention can focus the whole of the world on one thing. I'm intoxicated by the completeness of being totally enough for one person, of making up a person's whole world, even for the span of an indrawn breath."


Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Listened to the first Black Rebel Motorcycle Club record for the first time in forever today. Fuck. What a sex jam.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


I just want to fall in love and live in a tent on a beach with candles and read the book of revelation to each other and draw pictures of monsters with stolen sharpie markers on old newspapers and trash and sometimes go swimming and make out or touch each other for a period of four to six months and then die.

Just FYI.

But whatever "this" is, is fine too.




Went to a "farmer's market" that isn't actually a farmer's market. While listening to cashiers talk about how artists and graphic designers make a shitton of money sans ironic detachment while looking at the layout of a weekly flyer and staring at ten dollar plastic tubs of hummus and "brain tonics" I definitely realized that, yes, this generation is fucked.


So yesterday I was sick or, well I'm still sick. Maybe I have the flu? Or something?

So I was like, I'm not going to buy cigarettes cause...it's gross that I'm smoking and have the flu. Like after taking sleeping pills/pain meds felt totally comfortable with that decision.

This morning I woke up and remembered I didn't have cigarettes and thought about chewing my own hand off as a legitimate solution. Ugh. Fuck. NBD.

Also, someone yelled at me for writing about choking and guns. Like, hand on the bible. They told me it was irresponsible, that their brother was at a party and a guy was, "playing with a gun" and blew his head off.

I thought, is that supposed to be a cautionary tale? Because frankly it seems great for everyone involved. Like, someone blowing their head off accidentally in front of you seems like the only night of your entire fucking life that wasn't an anti climax. And for the person...the benefits are obvious: dead/empty head.

And also, like, if you don't think guns and getting choked out are fun(ny) like, get the fuck out of America.

I said I wasnt going to talk until I wasnt a shithead anymore and...well...you see how that turned out.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Forgot how much working sucks. Avoid it if you can. DRUGS NOT JOBS...man.

Thursday, January 17, 2013


My throat hurts. I think I'm going to just take the weekend off and be insane.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


G is dancing, wild, and feral like a 60s hippie to a vinyl in the center of the living room.

We're lying next to each other, not touching, staring into a lap top screen.

"Have you seen this?" he asks, pointing me toward a YouTube clip. "You've probably seen it. It's disgusting." He pushes play and there's a minute long clip of a mamma cat hugging a baby cat in a basket. Too cute.

"This is the future of feelings." I say,"When you can only love people in your head. I would hold you if I could, but I can only show you a video of a cat holding another cat."

We look at each other for a long time not saying anything. The only sounds are the vinyl and ice on ice as I take sips from a plastic cup of grain alcohol.

"Hey!" G says, suddenly, appearing from nowhere, child-like and manic, "We should have a threesome!"


K, so, I made eye contact with the guy at the library and now I can't stop laughing, and I seem insane. Jesus. I don't think I've ever like...been more in love with a stranger that looks like Ben Gibbard.

Honestly, like...I hate Death Cab for Cutie, and honestly, he probably plays World of Warcraft, but like...I don't even care.

You guys, also, this other weird looking Asian man came in and like they smiled at each other, and maybe I'm insane, but like...I swear I saw the guy stick his tongue out at him. Maybe he's gay.

How long can this go on for? I can't talk to him because like....the thought of it makes me feel like I'm going to vomit, if I were to talk to him....What would I even say? So...you look like Ben Gibbard/are you a wizard and/or gay?/Wanna get married?


Sometimes waking up and taking a shower is literally the most crushing thing imaginable.

I try to bribe myself to do it. True story. Like if I'm really hungover/thirsty/headaching I'll tell myself, if you get up and get in the shower, you can have a bottle of water/aspirin/burned toast.

Like, sometimes I just want to buy blackout curtains and get like an IV of narcotics and just have a bucket next to my bed to like pee/vomit/whatever into.

Like, that's "the dream."


I was feeling really good for about two weeks and now I feel like shit again, so that seems nice.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Favorite things people said last week

"You cannot date an impotent, republican war veteran, c'mon."

"I want to throw an awards show where Mel Gibson gives all the acceptance speeches imitating the actors who won."

"Remember when we met with 'Amber' who tried to recruit us to import illegal immigrants from Mexico in a van? I laughed out loud typing that."

"I wish Miss America would take her bikini top off to reveal pentagram pasties and like eat a pickle with her vag. That's what TV should be like, or like, football should have machetes and they should be naked and roided out. p.s. I'm only dressing 'Dangerous Minds' this semester. Honestly, I just want to see extreme plastic surgery and jet ski fights and anal wigs."

"Don't worry, just go up to him and say, 'This pussy is a page turner, y'all.'"

"I just started doing vox for this new band, like...I don't know. The study of their songs they gave me conveys no sense of humor. It's just like black makeup and violent circle jerks."

"Hmm...not getting drunk seems like a waste. Seems disrespectful toward the Indians that have to drink rubbing alcohol they filter through a piece of bread to change the molecular composition. Makes it 'safe,' you know? Real sad."


In Other News

Despite my VERY best efforts, I could not summon the willpower to stop myself from watching a video of a woman shitting herself while giving birth. Vomited up coffee and orange juice onto my favorite item of clothing. A five cent Alabama Football sweatshirt from a ropa usada.


Waking up at 5:30 to write, trying to choreograph a botched threesome in a way that can be "taken seriously" as "literary fiction," and then just reading a NYT article about The Canyons. Rounding out the ten o clock hour with Our Lady of the Flowers.


Domestic discipline.

Hanging out with people/choosing sexual partners as a means of compensating for your vast inadequacy.

Men who give me career advice.

How life feels terrifying and "dream-like" in precisely the same manner as Inside Edition.

How, in college, I would get really high and watch the "ritual" scene in Eyes Wide Shut where Tom Cruise says "Fidelio" over and over until I passed out.

Sunday, January 13, 2013


Shoving my fingers into your mouth while saying, "shh, shh" and other things people do during sex that I'd like to try in "real life" situations.

You must have some. Please just go ahead and leave them here.

Saturday, January 12, 2013


Is there a way to wear adult pigtails that's not like....fucking perverse?

I have this sweater with a bunch of lambs on it and every time I wear it people tell me it looks really good. SexyVixen said I was a fucking pervert/"kiddie fetishizing weirdo."


Flipping back and forth between NFL playoffs and Miss America. Feel like I suddenly "get" something.

Thursday, January 10, 2013


"We're not going to have sex. For a lot of reasons. Namely, there's no lock on my bedroom door. Also, you're not a 'condom' guy and I'm not a 'pull and pray' girl. Those are the main reasons, but they seem critical. You can come over and hang out in my bed if you want to be really quiet and read me David Foster Wallace, otherwise, I have nothing to offer you."

Just Saying

When I've edited a piece of writing to the point where I think it's good enough to let people read, I'm never more sure that it's garbage.

When I send someone something to read, and I haven't heard from them 24 hours later, I need to go buy more vodka.

*glug glug glug*

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


At any given time, especially in the age of the internet, there's probably at least one "creepy" stranger
who's completely OBSESSED with you, and you're totally unaware of it.

Would you rather be "hot" like, would you rather be the kind of person that inspires people to want to fuck you, or would you rather be the type of human that inspires other humans to project all their fantasies and unrealistic delusions onto you? (LOL).

Is the idea of someone j/o to you gross or flattering?

My Brooklyn BFF told me he never j/o to girls he's in love with/ in a relationship with because he thinks it's super disrespectful.

I thought that was really fascinating and hilarious.


I heard Oz Davidson's Bandcamp is the place to go for a good cry.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Last Night

Something's "gotten into me" I think.

Last night, I went over to the guy's house who got me expelled from school in 6th grade.

I wore one of the oversized, sheer button ups from American Apparel with nothing under it. I put a very large sweater over it and laughed really hard and thought, "balls to the wall" or something, and then I laughed again for thinking that, and laughed because I was being really "slutty" and "confident" and I'm really not slutty or confident, so I was obviously just kidding. I'm obviously just going out of my mind my campy/retarded/scary inner monolog is just spilling out into reality.


I honestly don't know how it got to the point where I was pointing an assault rifle with a scope with a green laser at his head.

"Don't point that at my face," he said, "I'm not afraid you're going to shoot me, the laser's just designed for blinding people, you know."

I shook my head and put the gun down on the table. "Will you teach me how to shoot this gun?" I said and he sat down next to me.

"Sure," he said.

"Last time someone told me they'd teach me how to shoot a gun....I fucked them."

He looked at me while blinking, "Is that...all it takes?"

"Yeah," I said, laughing.

Then he said something very like...stupid, but like, intentionally stupid like, "Then I'll definitely teach you how to shoot my gun, baby," or something like that.

I don't really know what happened after that, but at some point we were "making out." He took off my sweater and looked at my shirt while smiling and said, "Did you take your bra off?" I said, "No, I wasn't wearing a bra."

Then I was like...sitting on his lap without a shirt on.

"Did you....come over here just to....fuck me?" He asked.

"Yeah. I mean, I think so. The other day, I thought, "that guy who got me kicked out of school in 6th grade, I'm gonna fuck that guy," so I just came over here in a see through shirt."

"Really?" He asked, "That's...I kind of can't believe that. I've wanted to do this for like 14 years, like, I've wanted to do this over half my life. It seems like stuff like this doesn't really...happen...Why did we talk for so long? Why didn't you just walk through the door and...I don't know."

"I don't know it just...didn't seem 'right' 'till I was pointing a gun at your face. Now that I'm thinking about it though, maybe I should wait 'till you teach me to shoot the gun. Seems like that's the mistake I made last time."

"I'll teach you how to shoot that gun right now, you don't even have to put a shirt on, like, seriously."

"No, whatever. I mean I came over to fuck you, the gun thing is ancillary or...like secondary or...some ary word. Whatever. Nevermind."

I looked at his face, sometimes kissing him, and he looked really nervous, and I thought, I'm really a fucking piece of shit, or something, and then started laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" he asked, "Why do you keep laughing?"

"Oh, I don't know, I can't...I'm sorry, I can't help it, I just think everything is funny."

"It's...just...having a half naked girl sitting on your dick laughing is sort of...nerve racking...."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Just put your hands around my throat and push really hard until I don't laugh anymore, or...like, breath anymore, or...whatever you want....seriously."

And he did that a lot.

Thursday, January 3, 2013


I think my severe depression is related to my drinking, and by that, I mean, when I'm not drinking I feel severe depression. Now that I've "gotten back to basics," I feel that I'm thinking more clearly.

I was getting all sad thinking like, "I have no future" and like, "I'm a fucking failure" and like, "No one will ever love me" and, you know...shit like that. I was thinking like, "My life has no purpose" and stuff.

Then, I thought, suddenly, "Who cares?" Then, I thought, suddenly, "It's okay, I have a 'plan.'"

You want to know what the plan is?

It's so good.

Believe me.

It's the best plan you've ever heard.

"I'm going to fuck everyone I've ever fantasized about since grade school," I thought.

So, naturally, the first thing I did was put my glasses on and  put my hair in pig tails. THEN I headed for the library to "return some books." Of course, the guy that I'm obsessed with wasn't there, and it's probably for the best because he might be married, and it's not like I had ANY kind of an idea of what I was going to do when I saw him, and how that would lead to us having sex, but....the important thing is, I have a fucking plan.

Tomorrow, I'm getting drunk with the guy who got me expelled from school in sixth grade.

Fuck Yeah


Wednesday, January 2, 2013


"I don't get it, like...that's not how people are supposed to behave. I mean, if someone confronts you about your 'feelings' deny, deny, deny. Keep all your 'love' and jealousy, and all that bullshit bottled up inside until you cut your wrists like a normal person."

Things That are Almost Monsters

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Only Important Things

"Let's compare stories tomorrow and see who had the more soul crushing time."

"I'm excited to be alive. I resolve to use no quotations around words."

I got scared when I couldn't feel anything so I put giant cocks and tits and violence on a loop.

I saw someone snort cum off an antique mirror as though it was cocaine.

I saw a someone shove a giant tube of raw meat into their pussy, and all I could think was...how did it not fall apart, you know?

"Good story. I came. And by came, I mean pissed everywhere."

The cat is depressed because I'm a piece of shit. There's no doubt about it.


You can buy glass dildos on Etsy.


There's only two important F words and it's easy to get them confused.


There's more dead ferret in my freezer than food.


A guy told me his dad left the family for fear that he (the guy telling me the story) would grow up to be a homosexual.

"That's the funniest story I've ever heard," I said.