Wednesday, January 30, 2013


I'm really sick. Just saying because like...if I'm supposed to do something/respond to something/do work/ be engaging/fuck you because it's your birthday or whatever, I don't know man...expect a delay, and like, I'm sorry.

Conversation 1/30

"The Twenties really fuck people up because society is so ageist that people feel like if they don't get 'famous' within a small window, they'll never get 'famous.' Which is ridiculous. Whatever happened to being genuinely interesting and mysterious, and intelligent? Just because that's who you are, not because you want to be written about in VICE magazine."

"Yeah, like...just being interesting because there's some small part of your humanity that's still in tact. Like...being interesting so other people don't want to suicide when you talk."

"Remember the days when you weren't 'famous' until after you died? NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL FAMOUS Vol. 1."

"I think I 'get' it. I think, ultimately, everything just boils down to the fact that everyone wants someone to fuck them. Like, everyone wants to be wanted, and someone fucking you is the most like...basic, quantifiable evidence that someone thinks you are 'good.' 'Back in the day' there were only so many ways you could meet another human. So much competition. You really had to be as interesting as you could. You really had to compel someone to want to fuck you. Now it's like, there are a million reminders of how many people there are, and it's SO easy to find another person with low self esteem/garbage/a cum dumpster to put your dick inside of. It's like...take a generation of people whose self esteem is SO out of proportion to their accomplishments/what they 'are' and couple that with the fact that it's way too easy to get laid and it really creates like...a nightmare."


"If you can't get laid in this culture, it's not because you're not what society deems 'desirable.' It's because there's a place you're not willing to let yourself go, or because there's something you fundamentally don't understand. As ugly as you feel on the outside, is how ugly everyone KNOWS they are on the inside. Underneath it all, all the narcissism and posturing and #swag, everyone knows they are worthless. Fucking nothing. If you understand that principle, you can get ANYONE to have sex with you. That's why everyone wants to be 'famous.' Because, inside, they're just a limitless void. If people understood that NO amount of external validation can 'fix' you, everything would be okay. Like, if people took a moment to examine their desperate need for attention, people could be 'happy.' People could be 'good.'But that's just not how 'people' are."


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

And Also

I am vaguely enjoying having the flu.


This is a story SOMEONE told me earlier involving the flu that I enjoyed:

So, right when swine flu was hitting B----'s insane druggy, drag queen friend KIKI was living in Hawaii. KIKI is a drama queen and would go on binges for weeks and then lie in bed dramaticallyyy...So one time, he was couch surfing and wouldn't get up at all, all day for like...a long time, and everyone was like, "WTF, WTF is up KIKI?" And he, dramatically, in a Phillip voice (I know Phillip voice means nothing to you, but just imagine it as the voice of a crazy, wasted, dramatic person) would say, "I have the swine flu" and everyone was like "STFU KIKI, no you don't. Get up." So, eventually, he goes to the doctor, and the doctor is like, "Um, you have the swine flu. You actually DO have the swine flu. You are the first person to have it in Hawaii, and we have to quarantine you." So, basically, this huge media hub bub happened, and he was on every news channel being interviewed as the face of swine flu in Hawaii. So insane. I mean, imagine this drugged out, insane looking drag queen on the news giving interviews as the face of swine flu in Phillip voice. Also, mainly, how the fuck did he get the swine flu? Like, what crazy binge results in you contracting the swine flu on an island in the middle of nowhere?

Teeth Dreams

He puts his thumb up to the small string that connects your gums to the top of your lip, forcing my mouth apart. He puts one finger in, then two, then three, and I can feel myself gagging. I try to push them out with my tongue, and he spreads them out, pulling my cheeks apart, like a dentist. Or a murderer. I put my hands up to his forearm, scratching, and bite down.

"Jesus," he says, immediately yanking backward, examining his skin for blood. "Did I hurt you?"

My mouth feels dry, and salty, like I can't shut it, and I speak in a very quiet voice, "No--I just--don't like that."

"Sorry. You said you were like, into rough shit."

"You can do whatever you want--just--not that. I don't--like that." I push my lips closed with my hand and frown.

He looks down at me, and laughs, making a scrunched up face then rolls over onto his side. He tilts his head back and shakes it. "That always freaks me out. Like--people's limitations. You can slap the shit out of somebody, or call them a cunt and it's totally fine, but if you spit on them, they'll freak out. Everybody's got some--thing. It's weird."

"It's not like that. It's not like--a degrading thing--I just--have these nightmares. It reminds me of something."

He sits up, pulling a blanket against his emaciated carcass, and reaches his long arm to the floor for a pack of cigarettes, and lights one. "What?"

"It reminds me that--everyone's face is a lie."

He takes a drag and smiles, "What does that mean?"

"It means--with your hand like that---it reminds me of my teeth. It reminds me that--if you pull the mask back--you're just a skull underneath."

Monday, January 28, 2013


Listened to the David Byrne and St. Vincent album. Thought,"Dear David Byrne, stop making sense music."



Constantly telling myself people are joking, even though I know they're not because I could not otherwise handle being alive.

Wearing headphones in public, I think, makes people want to talk to you MORE.


Sunday, January 27, 2013

Do That to Me, Do that to My Anatomy....

Always a day late and a dollar short, but as promised a list and link to the exhaustive playlist. How do you compare to the other sick fucks that hang out around here? Who do you think chose what and who do you want to share a "fuck jam" with? Also, if you wanted to add something but didn't for some reason, "HMU."

Also, added note, I tried to put songs more than one person picked by a certain band together, but toward the end, it got overwhelming and I got kind of lazy.

TLC - Red Light Special Lyrics

Miguel - Quickie

Let Me Love You- Mario

Lil' Kim - Not Tonight

Lil' Kim How Many Licks

Lil' Kim -- The Jump Off

Lil' Kim-Drugs

Lil Kim - We Don't Need It

Ginuwine - My Pony

No Diggity - Blackstreet

Nas - The Don

ludacris - p-poppin'

This is how we do it - Montell Jordan

Crime Mob- Rock yo hips

69 Boyz - Tootsie Roll

Make Love In This Club - Usher

Missy Elliott ft. Nas, Eve & Lil Mo - Hot Boyz

Missy Elliot 4 MY PEOPLE

Next - Too Close

Walk On By - Isaac Hayes (1969)

Stevie B - Spring Love

Lost Generation - Let Me Out

The Underbeats - Love To You

Thee Headcoatees - Come Into My Mouth

Personal and the Pizzas - Tearjerker

BARE WIRES - One More Hour of Love

Mac Demarco ''Rock And Roll Nightclub''

Woven Bones - If It Feels Alright

Royal Baths - Faster Harder

Lou Reed - Perfect Day

Depeche Mode - The Dead of the Night

Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence

The Kills- Hitched

The Kills- Black Rooster

The Kills - Tape Song


Sister Machine Gun - Burn

SCOTT WALKER-The Cockfighter

Puscifer-Drunk with Power

Puscifer - Vagina Mine Visualizer

A perfect circle-The Nurse Who Loved Me

Relaxed Muscle - Sexualised

The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Feel So Good

Brian Jonestown Massacre-Wisdom

Brian Jonestown Massacre - Evergreen

The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Hide and Seek

The Brian Jonestown Massacre - Open Heart Surgery

Pink Floyd-Young Lust

Mac DeMarco - "Ode To Viceroy"

Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti- Baby


Brian Eno -"I'll Come Running"

Brian Eno -Baby's On Fire


T.Rex - 20th Century boy

T - Rex - Buick Mackane

VAST - Pretty When You Cry

VAST - Touched

Nicolas Jaar - Mi Mujer

Gunther & The Sunshine Girls - Touch Me

Joy Division - Disorder

Massive Attack-"Teardrop"

TALKING HEADS - Sugar On My Tongue

Beck-Nicotine and Gravy

Marilyn Manson - User Friendly

Marilyn Manson - The Dope Show

Marilyn Manson - The Nobodies

The Black Keys-Your Touch

t.A.T.u-All About Us

The Beatles-Yellow Submarine

M83 - Midnight City

Blur - Girls & Boys

Suede - Animal Nitrate

Suede- The Drowners

Suede- Poor Little Rich Girl

Garbage- No. 1 Crush

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Art Star

Leonard Cohen- I'm Your Man

Love and Rockets- So Alive

Sonic Youth- Dirty Boots

Sonic Youth-Silver Rocket

Sonic Youth- Self Obsessed and Sexxee

Sonic Youth and Cypress Hill- I Love You Mary Jane

Sonic Youth- Doctor's Orders

The Jesus and Mary Chain-Her Way of Praying

The Jesus and Mary Chain- Teenage Lust

The Jesus and Mary Chain- Perfume

The Jesus and Mary Chain- Cracking Up

Danzig- She Rides

The Misfits- Cough Cool

The Stooges- I Wanna Be Your Dog

Glass Candy- Hurt

My Bloody Valentine- I Believe

Black Octopus Lipstick Project- Hot Sinners

Death From Above 1979- Sexy Results

Death From Above 1979- Little Girl

Health- Die Slow

Singapore Sling- Martian Arts

Singapore Sling- I Hate You

Folk Implosion- Natural One

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- Spread Your Love

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- Red Eyes and Tears

The Black Angels- Don't Play With Guns

DIIV- Doused

Young Magic- Slip Time

Boards of Canada - Mukinabaht

Stephan Bodzin - Bedford

Múm- We Have A Map Of The Piano

Clinic- Come Into Our Room

Clinic- Walking With Thee

Clinic- The Equalizer

Al Green- Let's Stay Together

Jackie Gleason & His Orchestra - Moonlight Becomes You

Wolfgang Gartner - Undertaker

Zapp & Roger - Computer Love

Alice Cooper-Poison

Ministry- Lay Lady Lay

Extreme- More Than Words

Guns n Roses- November Rain

Last of the Mohicans- The Gael

Gurdjieff - Seekers of the Truth


Muddy Waters - Mannish Boy

The Beastie Boys- Girls

Lynyrd Skynyrd-Free Bird

NIN- March of the Pigs

The Beatles - Across The Universe

YG - Toot It And Boot It

Jon Lord - Bouree

Bus Stop... In Your Mind

Ennio Morricone-Peur Sur La Ville

Ennio Morricone-The Man With The Harmonica

K.D Lang - Constant Craving

9+ hours worth of sexual encounters-



Friday, January 25, 2013


I made a playlist of "fuck jams" with reader contributions, that is, BY FAR, the largest playlist ever made for this site. Everyone is SUCH a pervert.

I was struck by two things...the fact that people GENUINELY like to listen to smooth RnB jams while "getting it on" and that you all sure like to rock out with your goth out.

Not going to call anyone out by name, just going to say that "The Cockfighter" by Scott Walker is BY FAR the creepiest/scariest choice.


Thursday, January 24, 2013


"I learn how one person's total attention can focus the whole of the world on one thing. I'm intoxicated by the completeness of being totally enough for one person, of making up a person's whole world, even for the span of an indrawn breath."


Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Listened to the first Black Rebel Motorcycle Club record for the first time in forever today. Fuck. What a sex jam.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


I just want to fall in love and live in a tent on a beach with candles and read the book of revelation to each other and draw pictures of monsters with stolen sharpie markers on old newspapers and trash and sometimes go swimming and make out or touch each other for a period of four to six months and then die.

Just FYI.

But whatever "this" is, is fine too.




Went to a "farmer's market" that isn't actually a farmer's market. While listening to cashiers talk about how artists and graphic designers make a shitton of money sans ironic detachment while looking at the layout of a weekly flyer and staring at ten dollar plastic tubs of hummus and "brain tonics" I definitely realized that, yes, this generation is fucked.


So yesterday I was sick or, well I'm still sick. Maybe I have the flu? Or something?

So I was like, I'm not going to buy cigarettes's gross that I'm smoking and have the flu. Like after taking sleeping pills/pain meds felt totally comfortable with that decision.

This morning I woke up and remembered I didn't have cigarettes and thought about chewing my own hand off as a legitimate solution. Ugh. Fuck. NBD.

Also, someone yelled at me for writing about choking and guns. Like, hand on the bible. They told me it was irresponsible, that their brother was at a party and a guy was, "playing with a gun" and blew his head off.

I thought, is that supposed to be a cautionary tale? Because frankly it seems great for everyone involved. Like, someone blowing their head off accidentally in front of you seems like the only night of your entire fucking life that wasn't an anti climax. And for the person...the benefits are obvious: dead/empty head.

And also, like, if you don't think guns and getting choked out are fun(ny) like, get the fuck out of America.

I said I wasnt going to talk until I wasnt a shithead anymore see how that turned out.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Forgot how much working sucks. Avoid it if you can. DRUGS NOT

Thursday, January 17, 2013


My throat hurts. I think I'm going to just take the weekend off and be insane.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


G is dancing, wild, and feral like a 60s hippie to a vinyl in the center of the living room.

We're lying next to each other, not touching, staring into a lap top screen.

"Have you seen this?" he asks, pointing me toward a YouTube clip. "You've probably seen it. It's disgusting." He pushes play and there's a minute long clip of a mamma cat hugging a baby cat in a basket. Too cute.

"This is the future of feelings." I say,"When you can only love people in your head. I would hold you if I could, but I can only show you a video of a cat holding another cat."

We look at each other for a long time not saying anything. The only sounds are the vinyl and ice on ice as I take sips from a plastic cup of grain alcohol.

"Hey!" G says, suddenly, appearing from nowhere, child-like and manic, "We should have a threesome!"


K, so, I made eye contact with the guy at the library and now I can't stop laughing, and I seem insane. Jesus. I don't think I've ever like...been more in love with a stranger that looks like Ben Gibbard.

Honestly, like...I hate Death Cab for Cutie, and honestly, he probably plays World of Warcraft, but like...I don't even care.

You guys, also, this other weird looking Asian man came in and like they smiled at each other, and maybe I'm insane, but like...I swear I saw the guy stick his tongue out at him. Maybe he's gay.

How long can this go on for? I can't talk to him because like....the thought of it makes me feel like I'm going to vomit, if I were to talk to him....What would I even say? look like Ben Gibbard/are you a wizard and/or gay?/Wanna get married?


Sometimes waking up and taking a shower is literally the most crushing thing imaginable.

I try to bribe myself to do it. True story. Like if I'm really hungover/thirsty/headaching I'll tell myself, if you get up and get in the shower, you can have a bottle of water/aspirin/burned toast.

Like, sometimes I just want to buy blackout curtains and get like an IV of narcotics and just have a bucket next to my bed to like pee/vomit/whatever into.

Like, that's "the dream."


I was feeling really good for about two weeks and now I feel like shit again, so that seems nice.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Favorite things people said last week

"You cannot date an impotent, republican war veteran, c'mon."

"I want to throw an awards show where Mel Gibson gives all the acceptance speeches imitating the actors who won."

"Remember when we met with 'Amber' who tried to recruit us to import illegal immigrants from Mexico in a van? I laughed out loud typing that."

"I wish Miss America would take her bikini top off to reveal pentagram pasties and like eat a pickle with her vag. That's what TV should be like, or like, football should have machetes and they should be naked and roided out. p.s. I'm only dressing 'Dangerous Minds' this semester. Honestly, I just want to see extreme plastic surgery and jet ski fights and anal wigs."

"Don't worry, just go up to him and say, 'This pussy is a page turner, y'all.'"

"I just started doing vox for this new band, like...I don't know. The study of their songs they gave me conveys no sense of humor. It's just like black makeup and violent circle jerks."

"Hmm...not getting drunk seems like a waste. Seems disrespectful toward the Indians that have to drink rubbing alcohol they filter through a piece of bread to change the molecular composition. Makes it 'safe,' you know? Real sad."


In Other News

Despite my VERY best efforts, I could not summon the willpower to stop myself from watching a video of a woman shitting herself while giving birth. Vomited up coffee and orange juice onto my favorite item of clothing. A five cent Alabama Football sweatshirt from a ropa usada.


Waking up at 5:30 to write, trying to choreograph a botched threesome in a way that can be "taken seriously" as "literary fiction," and then just reading a NYT article about The Canyons. Rounding out the ten o clock hour with Our Lady of the Flowers.


Domestic discipline.

Hanging out with people/choosing sexual partners as a means of compensating for your vast inadequacy.

Men who give me career advice.

How life feels terrifying and "dream-like" in precisely the same manner as Inside Edition.

How, in college, I would get really high and watch the "ritual" scene in Eyes Wide Shut where Tom Cruise says "Fidelio" over and over until I passed out.

Sunday, January 13, 2013


Shoving my fingers into your mouth while saying, "shh, shh" and other things people do during sex that I'd like to try in "real life" situations.

You must have some. Please just go ahead and leave them here.

Saturday, January 12, 2013


Is there a way to wear adult pigtails that's not like....fucking perverse?

I have this sweater with a bunch of lambs on it and every time I wear it people tell me it looks really good. SexyVixen said I was a fucking pervert/"kiddie fetishizing weirdo."


Flipping back and forth between NFL playoffs and Miss America. Feel like I suddenly "get" something.

Thursday, January 10, 2013


"We're not going to have sex. For a lot of reasons. Namely, there's no lock on my bedroom door. Also, you're not a 'condom' guy and I'm not a 'pull and pray' girl. Those are the main reasons, but they seem critical. You can come over and hang out in my bed if you want to be really quiet and read me David Foster Wallace, otherwise, I have nothing to offer you."

Just Saying

When I've edited a piece of writing to the point where I think it's good enough to let people read, I'm never more sure that it's garbage.

When I send someone something to read, and I haven't heard from them 24 hours later, I need to go buy more vodka.

*glug glug glug*

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


At any given time, especially in the age of the internet, there's probably at least one "creepy" stranger
who's completely OBSESSED with you, and you're totally unaware of it.

Would you rather be "hot" like, would you rather be the kind of person that inspires people to want to fuck you, or would you rather be the type of human that inspires other humans to project all their fantasies and unrealistic delusions onto you? (LOL).

Is the idea of someone j/o to you gross or flattering?

My Brooklyn BFF told me he never j/o to girls he's in love with/ in a relationship with because he thinks it's super disrespectful.

I thought that was really fascinating and hilarious.


I heard Oz Davidson's Bandcamp is the place to go for a good cry.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Last Night

Something's "gotten into me" I think.

Last night, I went over to the guy's house who got me expelled from school in 6th grade.

I wore one of the oversized, sheer button ups from American Apparel with nothing under it. I put a very large sweater over it and laughed really hard and thought, "balls to the wall" or something, and then I laughed again for thinking that, and laughed because I was being really "slutty" and "confident" and I'm really not slutty or confident, so I was obviously just kidding. I'm obviously just going out of my mind my campy/retarded/scary inner monolog is just spilling out into reality.


I honestly don't know how it got to the point where I was pointing an assault rifle with a scope with a green laser at his head.

"Don't point that at my face," he said, "I'm not afraid you're going to shoot me, the laser's just designed for blinding people, you know."

I shook my head and put the gun down on the table. "Will you teach me how to shoot this gun?" I said and he sat down next to me.

"Sure," he said.

"Last time someone told me they'd teach me how to shoot a gun....I fucked them."

He looked at me while blinking, "Is that...all it takes?"

"Yeah," I said, laughing.

Then he said something very like...stupid, but like, intentionally stupid like, "Then I'll definitely teach you how to shoot my gun, baby," or something like that.

I don't really know what happened after that, but at some point we were "making out." He took off my sweater and looked at my shirt while smiling and said, "Did you take your bra off?" I said, "No, I wasn't wearing a bra."

Then I was like...sitting on his lap without a shirt on.

"Did you....come over here just to....fuck me?" He asked.

"Yeah. I mean, I think so. The other day, I thought, "that guy who got me kicked out of school in 6th grade, I'm gonna fuck that guy," so I just came over here in a see through shirt."

"Really?" He asked, "That's...I kind of can't believe that. I've wanted to do this for like 14 years, like, I've wanted to do this over half my life. It seems like stuff like this doesn't really...happen...Why did we talk for so long? Why didn't you just walk through the door and...I don't know."

"I don't know it just...didn't seem 'right' 'till I was pointing a gun at your face. Now that I'm thinking about it though, maybe I should wait 'till you teach me to shoot the gun. Seems like that's the mistake I made last time."

"I'll teach you how to shoot that gun right now, you don't even have to put a shirt on, like, seriously."

"No, whatever. I mean I came over to fuck you, the gun thing is ancillary secondary or...some ary word. Whatever. Nevermind."

I looked at his face, sometimes kissing him, and he looked really nervous, and I thought, I'm really a fucking piece of shit, or something, and then started laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" he asked, "Why do you keep laughing?"

"Oh, I don't know, I can't...I'm sorry, I can't help it, I just think everything is funny."

"It's...just...having a half naked girl sitting on your dick laughing is sort of...nerve racking...."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Just put your hands around my throat and push really hard until I don't laugh anymore,, breath anymore, or...whatever you want....seriously."

And he did that a lot.

Thursday, January 3, 2013


I think my severe depression is related to my drinking, and by that, I mean, when I'm not drinking I feel severe depression. Now that I've "gotten back to basics," I feel that I'm thinking more clearly.

I was getting all sad thinking like, "I have no future" and like, "I'm a fucking failure" and like, "No one will ever love me" and, you know...shit like that. I was thinking like, "My life has no purpose" and stuff.

Then, I thought, suddenly, "Who cares?" Then, I thought, suddenly, "It's okay, I have a 'plan.'"

You want to know what the plan is?

It's so good.

Believe me.

It's the best plan you've ever heard.

"I'm going to fuck everyone I've ever fantasized about since grade school," I thought.

So, naturally, the first thing I did was put my glasses on and  put my hair in pig tails. THEN I headed for the library to "return some books." Of course, the guy that I'm obsessed with wasn't there, and it's probably for the best because he might be married, and it's not like I had ANY kind of an idea of what I was going to do when I saw him, and how that would lead to us having sex, but....the important thing is, I have a fucking plan.

Tomorrow, I'm getting drunk with the guy who got me expelled from school in sixth grade.

Fuck Yeah


Wednesday, January 2, 2013


"I don't get it, like...that's not how people are supposed to behave. I mean, if someone confronts you about your 'feelings' deny, deny, deny. Keep all your 'love' and jealousy, and all that bullshit bottled up inside until you cut your wrists like a normal person."

Things That are Almost Monsters

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Only Important Things

"Let's compare stories tomorrow and see who had the more soul crushing time."

"I'm excited to be alive. I resolve to use no quotations around words."

I got scared when I couldn't feel anything so I put giant cocks and tits and violence on a loop.

I saw someone snort cum off an antique mirror as though it was cocaine.

I saw a someone shove a giant tube of raw meat into their pussy, and all I could think did it not fall apart, you know?

"Good story. I came. And by came, I mean pissed everywhere."

The cat is depressed because I'm a piece of shit. There's no doubt about it.


You can buy glass dildos on Etsy.


There's only two important F words and it's easy to get them confused.


There's more dead ferret in my freezer than food.


A guy told me his dad left the family for fear that he (the guy telling me the story) would grow up to be a homosexual.

"That's the funniest story I've ever heard," I said.