"You cannot date an impotent, republican war veteran, c'mon."
"I want to throw an awards show where Mel Gibson gives all the acceptance speeches imitating the actors who won."
"Remember when we met with 'Amber' who tried to recruit us to import illegal immigrants from Mexico in a van? I laughed out loud typing that."
"I wish Miss America would take her bikini top off to reveal pentagram pasties and like eat a pickle with her vag. That's what TV should be like, or like, football should have machetes and they should be naked and roided out. p.s. I'm only dressing 'Dangerous Minds' this semester. Honestly, I just want to see extreme plastic surgery and jet ski fights and anal wigs."
"Don't worry, just go up to him and say, 'This pussy is a page turner, y'all.'"
"I just started doing vox for this new band, like...I don't know. The study of their songs they gave me conveys no sense of humor. It's just like black makeup and violent circle jerks."
"Hmm...not getting drunk seems like a waste. Seems disrespectful toward the Indians that have to drink rubbing alcohol they filter through a piece of bread to change the molecular composition. Makes it 'safe,' you know? Real sad."