Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Only Important Things

"Let's compare stories tomorrow and see who had the more soul crushing time."
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"I'm excited to be alive. I resolve to use no quotations around words."
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I got scared when I couldn't feel anything so I put giant cocks and tits and violence on a loop.

I saw someone snort cum off an antique mirror as though it was cocaine.

I saw a someone shove a giant tube of raw meat into their pussy, and all I could think was...how did it not fall apart, you know?

"Good story. I came. And by came, I mean pissed everywhere."
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The cat is depressed because I'm a piece of shit. There's no doubt about it.

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You can buy glass dildos on Etsy.

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There's only two important F words and it's easy to get them confused.

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There's more dead ferret in my freezer than food.

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A guy told me his dad left the family for fear that he (the guy telling me the story) would grow up to be a homosexual.

"That's the funniest story I've ever heard," I said.

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