Thursday, February 28, 2013


So I have two best friends, one is named Ryan. I woke up this morning and a bunch of people found my blog by searching "RYAN G---- CAUSE OF DEATH." I felt dizzy and like vomiting. LUCKILY, it was a dude with the same name in another city. Sorry boutcha to the dead guy though.

I texted Ryan and was like "ily" thank god you're alive I just peed my pants.
He said he was high as fuck and watching Fear and Loathing and that he'd be the dead one soon enough.

People keep saying my writing is,"Too depressing." Keep thinking "Is there such a thing?" + "Guys, I'm writing about bored rich white ppl, it IS depressing but....AIDS in Africa bitches, ya know?"

I'm sleeping with a guy that reminds me of Ted Bundy. Like he sort of looks like Ted Bundy and is probably a psychopath. People keep asking, "Should I be worried?" I don't know. Should you?

I decided that, yes, you can fuck someone until they love you.

Monday, February 25, 2013


Let me tell you a secret. Something "naughty" you may not know. ALL women want to shove something into your pisshole. It's true. I know it sounds scary and painful. "That's an 'out' hole!" you're thinking. Don't be such a prude. Light some candles, put on your favorite song. Let her give you a "sensual" full body massage and relax. If you don't let her do this, she'll find someone who will. It feels good, but not how you think. Trust.

Sunday, February 24, 2013


Tacking, "but not how you think" to the end of any sentence is the funniest thing ever I decided.


Something you may not know is that I wake up at like 5:30 in the morning. It's weird because no one I know is awake for like six hours after I get up. Like almost a whole workday passes before I speak to anyone.

I've been thinking about Nicholas Sparks all day. I need to know more.

Friday, February 22, 2013


You know that stupid like "When one door closes...." cliche? It's true, but like, not how you think, lol.

Thursday, February 21, 2013


No, I don't want to talk about feelins, Just want to fuck and party baby: a memoir.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Just want to vomit out like everything I was actually thinking when I was like, "it's fine" or "I'm fine" or "fuck it" or "whatever, nevermind" for like the last two years. Like an itemized list or something, but then when I think about it, it all boils down to like, "everything is stupid" or "who cares" and then "whatever, nevermind" and then, actually, "it's fine" like the end is the beginning is the end. Puuuuuuke.


I anticipate spending the next several days in bed in the dark feeling extreme self loathing, eating medication, and melting. #lol

I'll be in touch.


Trading photos of everything you eat throughout the day with a friend while exchanging "friend"(ly) banter like, "I hope you plan on throwing that up soon," and other "sick" behaviors...

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Monday, February 18, 2013

"I Think I Found a Letter From You"

It says,

"Sorry for getting drunk and putting a tampon in your drawer. Thanks for sleeping with me. Love you, Rachel Noel"

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Conversations That Happened Before 10 AM 2/16

Person says, "I can't keep an erection without some type of physical or emotional violence."

I say, "Seems normal."


Person says, "Stop scratching your arm."

I say, "I'm not."

Person says, "I saw you, I'm just saying, that's not 'healthy.'"

I say, "Can you please stop like...'eyeing' me or whatever, it's really annoying. I'm just trying to drink juice."

Person sits in forever seeming silence, makes exasperated sigh, "Honestly rachel, I don't even want to be alive."

I laugh, "I don't know what that has to do with...anything, but okay."

Person says, "No, I'm serious, I really don't want to be alive anymore."

I put on sunglasses and bite into the fleshy part of my hand to prevent myself from laughing.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Obligatory Post About February 14th

"I hope to feel unrealistic delusions about someone to such a degree that I will pretend relationships are not a fucking joke for a period of six months to two years at some point again in the future."

But seriously folks.

Just a VD(ay) reminder: he wants to jizz on your face, but not why you think.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


Do you know the song "Never Been Any Reason?" It's this 70s classic rock song. I was listening to it yesterday, and I was like, who sings that song? My "dad" is a classic rock "DJ" so....I'm pretty versed the genre, or whatever, I looked it up, and I was expecting it to be some "famous" type band, and it's not. It's a "One Hit Wonder" by a band called Head East.

"WOW Raye, that's really interesting!" said no one.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


Taking a nap so I don't take an overdose.

50/50 kidding/serious.


Why does being dumb feel sooooooo good? I don't mean in a Flowers for Algernon way where you don't know the difference, but specifically, when you do.

Like, why do I feel immediate, overwhelming, self hating guilt after saying anything that might be considered "intelligent" responsible thought?

Is that "normal?"

Also, I was reading an essay just now and thought, "Not all metaphors are 'winners.'"

In All Seriousness Though...

Wasn't Metallica rad before they, "Cut their hair like faggots?"

Monday, February 4, 2013

In Other News

Just wanna say thanks to everyone I went to pretentious overpriced art skewl with for keeping me on their "mailing list." The thing I've missed most about not having a Facebook is being made aware of the "accomplishments" of shitty people I haven't talked to in five years.

Conversations 2/4

"Remember when you took me on a 'date' to that 'party' in the Inland Empire and that dude J--- got so high that he straight up started eating handfuls of weed out of a bag and referring to white people as 'non-niggers?'"


"So N----was telling me that her and and her boyfriend like NEVER have sex. She said like...she'll walk into their bedroom naked and he'll blow her off to watch football and shit."

"Seems gay, bro."

"Seems like the least 'gay' thing I've ever heard. Like, I don't know any gay, or otherwise self respecting person that would rather watch people toss a dot on a screen than fuck."


Sometimes, like once a year, I get the feeling whatever's been occupying my thoughts for the past year is completely irrelevant. Like all the things I cared about most/thought were important don't matter at all.


Sunday, February 3, 2013


Why do I have such an aversion to horses?


Dear Sexyvixen,

One time I was talking to you about horses, and you said anyone who has "no opinion" about horses "seems like a sociopath."

In my head, that's like, the funniest/most relevant thing anyone has ever said.


I think the only thing that's worse than not caring about anything is pretending to care about things.

Like, people who pretend to care about voting, or women that wear like NFL apparel or something.

Just to Let You Know

I dyed my hair pastel, like cotton candy pink. I totally understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore.

Love (Or Whatever)

So, a long time ago, not really that long, but probably like a year and a half ago, I remember someone telling me that, every time they ever told someone they loved them, they were lying. Like, they were saying it out of obligation. If you've been with a person for a long time, you just say I love you. That sort of thing. They talked about the semantics of love vs in love. "Real" love, if you will.

I was talking to someone earlier and they said this really simple thing, and it seems like something sort of "clicked" in my head about something. Like, I suddenly understood something that was unclear to me before. They said, "People who are always looking for 'real' love, are never going to find it." They said, "Certain things aren't choices, but 'real' love is a choice." They went on to say things about how people are always looking at other people's relationships and films and so forth and thinking "Why can't I have THAT?" And they said, you can't have it, because you believe that you don't. In your head you have chosen to believe that there is something "better" to find.

I totally "got" it. It reminded me of these maudlin song lyrics

"It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love..."

I realized, then, how a girl could fuck a talking pig in a car.

Friday, February 1, 2013

(Not Quite) Multiple Choice

The fact that you still want to have sex even though I have the flu:

A) Creepy and desperate


B) Extremely flattering


I just wanna party, baby.