Tuesday, March 26, 2013

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There really is something "funny" about getting a summons for jury duty.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Thursday, March 21, 2013

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Earlier, I was sitting in my bed and my dog poked his head into the door, and I was like, "Come here, Bear, come see me," and I tapped the bed indicating that I wanted him to come up. He looked at me, then threw up on my boot and walked away.

Monday, March 18, 2013

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So like, hey. I miss you guys. Everyone wants me to go to Psych Fest. Can I pull that together in a month? Seems unlikely, but we'll see what the universe has in store.

What do you call a person you're sleeping with that isn't your "boyfriend," that is probably, actually your "boyfriend" but neither of you feel comfortable referring to each other as things like "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" because it's gross? Just, "Muh man?" Let's just go with that.

So, I was at "muh man's" house, and he says to me, nonchalantly, "I was reading this article earlier about this Connecticut supreme court case. It might make it a crime to have 'sadomasochistic' sex with a 'mentally ill' person."

I shook my head, and thought, "That's interesting." Then I read this article about Lawrence V. Texas and had my mind blown because "sodomy" was illegal in thirteen states until ten years ago.

Anyway though, I thought about it later, and I wondered did he just read about that because it's like, a "current event" or was he googling the legality of having "belt sex" with a "mentally ill" girl?

I guess I'll never know.

Speaking of mentally ill, you might wonder, "Hey Raye, do you hold grudges?" Like, "If someone 'fucks' you, metaphorically speaking, do you 'let it go' or do you think about it forever and ever?"

Good question.

This is a bag of bullets:


And you can look at this as an exercise in symbolism or actual insanity, but each of the bullets is specifically labeled. I can't say whether or not I hold grudges, but I can tell you one thing for sure, if you're a shitty human being, I've got a bullet with your name on it ; )

Friday, March 15, 2013

Week in Review

"Hurting you reminds me of petting a small cat. They always seem like they want you to stop, and then when you do, they're back at you, rubbing their face against your hand."

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"Instead of taking 30 sleeping pills, why don't I just take like two and see if I get tired," I thought.

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"I used to think emoticons were stupid, but now I understand that they are the only logical way to express yourself."

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What 'Dating' Me is Like (NOT HOW YOU THINK).

We are "making out" on your couch, and you are wearing a suit for some reason, because we are both wasted, even more than usual. I start laughing because, in my head, I can't stop imagining this:



 

So, you're like, "Why are you laughing?" and I'm like, I don't really want to talk about it. So you keep kissing me, but I'm like, laughing into your mouth, and I'm like "Okay, okay. I'm laughing because....it's stupid that you're wearing a suit, and I keep picturing you with a horse head. Like, I just keep envisioning a suit with a fucking horse head attached to it." You look at me like I'm stupid, and then you start like pulling my hair and mashing my face, but I keep laughing. "Look," I say, "Being more 'brutal' won't help because like...that's what a horse head in a suit would do." You like, climb off of me and sit down and shake your head. "I can't have sex right now," I say, "But do you want to teach me how to do calculus?"

"Seriously?" You ask.

"Yeah, seriously. I mean, I'm pretty good at math, but the less actual numbers there are, the more I get confused. If you teach me how to do calculus, I might see you as like a professor or something instead of a horse head."

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THE END OF THE WORLD





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RELEVANT MEDIA

 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Still the Funniest Thing I've Ever Seen

"What's a gang bang?" Seems self explanatory. Her "manager" ahahahahaha. Tyra went to Harvard : )

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Sometimes when I come home after a night of debauchery, at 27 years of age, at 4 AM, I'm like, "Fuck, my life is a joke," and it's like this emoticon xD

And sometimes I'm like, "Fuck, my life is a joke," and it's this emoticon :'(

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

If You Can't Live Alone You Were Born as a Slave

"I want to be destroyed," I thought.

Here's some cute pictures of animals sleeping:







 



Monday, March 11, 2013

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I slept off 24 of the last 48 hours. Tomorrow I'm going to pretend to be alive, because, you know, "fake it 'till you make it."

Friday, March 8, 2013

Top Bunk

Been feeling a lot of disgusting negativity lately. I think my immune system is like "weak" from hating everything/myself #lol. I keep getting "sick" in various ways. I don't usually get sick. I try not to talk, or talk to anyone when I'm a fuckhead. Not because I'm afraid of what I'll say, just like...I'm afraid of what I'll think during conversations. Like the negativity in my head is so intense that like...no matter who is talking to me and no matter what they're saying, I'm thinking some fuckheaded thing. Like, someone will be like, "I love you," and I'll be like, "Well then, you're a fucking idiot," in my head or something. Like, I don't want to be "like that." Because like, I don't think the person is an idiot. Like if I REALLY thought that I wouldn't be talking to them.

I think it's okay to like vomit out my thoughts here though, like a teenager with a moleskin notebook.

Dear Diary,

I dated this guy for a lot of years who's a buddhist now. He thinks buddhism is like "the answer." Not "talking shit." Like, "the answer" is subjective. Just, like, buddhism, like, I "get it." Desire causes suffering and shit, but also, desire seems to cause everything in life that is objectively worth doing. I was talking to this person recently and he was like, "Meditating can get rid of your sexual desires," and I was like, "Yeah, but why the fuck would I want to get rid of my sexual desires?" I was telling my best friend about it, and how I would rather "eat a bullet" than become a buddhist. My friend said, "Yeah, it's pretty much the most boring thing imaginable. Eliminating desire is kind of like saying, 'I can hold in my shit....FOREVER.'" Pretty much the best analogy I've ever heard.

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It's really not valid to say you are "unsure" of what something means. Like...If I say "You're my best friend," and you say, "Unsure of what the word 'friend' means," like, WTF, man. First of all, no, you're not. Secondly, if you truly are "unsure" of what a word means, you should use the typing apparatus on the abysmal machine you're staring into to look it up in the search bar. When you're having a conversation with someone, it's only possible because there's an unspoken agreement that words mean specific things. I mean, people are always like, "Semantics," in like a dismissive, sarcastic tone, but like...semantics is important guys #lol.

Imagine like, someone is trying to have sex with you and you say "NO," and someone has sex with you anyway, and then says, "Unsure of what the word 'NO' means."

I think degrading the importance of meaning is "bullshit." Like, I can't think of any reason why that's positive or good for humanity.

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I don't understand having "talks." Like, "We need to have a talk." A relationship is just "hanging out" and "having sex." It exists for a finite amount of time. Like either one person decides they don't want to "hang out" and "have sex" anymore, or like one person dies. I don't understand the need to like "check in." I don't understand the need to treat a relationship like it's a Facebook and needs constant "status updates." It just like...exists until it doesn't exist anymore, much like life.

It's like...what I'm saying is...the "check ins" and "status updates" will not help you. They will not make the relationship less finite, or ease your anxieties. The only thing I can do is like "hang out" and "have sex" and like talk, but not "have a talk." Like I can communicate with you, but I can't like make you feel things. Like, only you can make you feel things. You can say, "WHAT IS THIS?" or "WHAT ARE WE DOING?" and I can say, "Don't worry. We are 'hanging out.' We are 'having sex.' I like you. Right now, I am here. I like you." That's all I can say.

FUCK IT or FEEL IT, you know? Like...it's so exhausting how everything has to be a long drawn out "thing." Like, passive aggressive, prying "talks" and like competitions to see who gives a shit about who the least. Right now I just want to exist with you.  I just want to play a role in your bedroom scenes.

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Scare quotes IRL:



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Do I seem "suicidal" to you? Because all I wanna do is have some fun, I got a feelin' I'm not the only one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Happy "B-Day" Frank.

"Rock n roll."

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Thought pretty seriously about throwing myself in front of the train yesterday, but I'm not really "depressed."

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

There's No Life Like Low Life

This morning I went to the drug store in my pajamas and bought coffee, cigarettes, condoms and the shit you take when you have a urinary tract infection that makes you piss orange.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

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Was compared to both "Hannah"/Lena Dunham on Girls, and Courtney Love this week.

Batting a thousand.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Last Time I Was in LA

I went to this bar in The Valley with a bunch of crust punx and people from some reality show involving growing crazy facial hair. My friend referred to the bar as, "The site of my future rape." At some point the song "Bow Down" by Westside Connection was played and everyone in the bar sang the chorus while making the "bow down" motion. It was weird. I ate some MDMA and everyone seemed a lot more interesting than they were. It was also my birthday. Some guy in one of the bands said into the microphone, "It's Raye's birthday, buy her some drinks and try to get in her panties."

Teeth Dreams

I wake up in a cold sweat practically screaming when I hear my phone ring, and instinctively push ignore. It takes me several minutes to remember I’m in the guest bed at my mother’s house again, and the person calling is my psychiatrist. I hear a nature program playing at a deafening volume in the living room. When he calls again, I answer in a scratchy voice.

“Hello!” He says, with mock irritation, “Rough night?”

“No—well, yeah, but not like you think. I forgot you were calling.”

I see Dr. Jonathan Tierny once a week. Under normal circumstances, we sit in a well lit room and have mostly meaningless conversations varying from neutral and friendly to tense and passive aggressive. He insists that I call him Jon. He looks young, barely older than me I’d say, but it could just be bookish goofiness that lends itself to the appearance of youth. He wears small gold framed glasses and basketball shoes. I asked him if he was a sports fanatic and he said no. They’re just the only shoes that fit him.

“What’d you get up to last night?” he asks.

“I went to a party. The important thing is, I stayed technically ’sober.’ Less importantly, I saw some tits, and a Damien mouth raped my face.”

“What’s a Damien?”

“I’m not really sure. I don’t know if it was a demon or a type of human being.”

“Well that sounds exciting.”

“I guess ‘exciting’ is a certain way of putting it.”

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I just keep thinking like everything I do is a joke. I always think like, I'm going to do _______________ because that's fucking funny. Then something happens, like the joke always gets "out of control" somehow.

I want to write a series of short stories and call it "jizz baths."