Friday, March 8, 2013

Top Bunk

Been feeling a lot of disgusting negativity lately. I think my immune system is like "weak" from hating everything/myself #lol. I keep getting "sick" in various ways. I don't usually get sick. I try not to talk, or talk to anyone when I'm a fuckhead. Not because I'm afraid of what I'll say, just like...I'm afraid of what I'll think during conversations. Like the negativity in my head is so intense that like...no matter who is talking to me and no matter what they're saying, I'm thinking some fuckheaded thing. Like, someone will be like, "I love you," and I'll be like, "Well then, you're a fucking idiot," in my head or something. Like, I don't want to be "like that." Because like, I don't think the person is an idiot. Like if I REALLY thought that I wouldn't be talking to them.

I think it's okay to like vomit out my thoughts here though, like a teenager with a moleskin notebook.

Dear Diary,

I dated this guy for a lot of years who's a buddhist now. He thinks buddhism is like "the answer." Not "talking shit." Like, "the answer" is subjective. Just, like, buddhism, like, I "get it." Desire causes suffering and shit, but also, desire seems to cause everything in life that is objectively worth doing. I was talking to this person recently and he was like, "Meditating can get rid of your sexual desires," and I was like, "Yeah, but why the fuck would I want to get rid of my sexual desires?" I was telling my best friend about it, and how I would rather "eat a bullet" than become a buddhist. My friend said, "Yeah, it's pretty much the most boring thing imaginable. Eliminating desire is kind of like saying, 'I can hold in my shit....FOREVER.'" Pretty much the best analogy I've ever heard.

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It's really not valid to say you are "unsure" of what something means. Like...If I say "You're my best friend," and you say, "Unsure of what the word 'friend' means," like, WTF, man. First of all, no, you're not. Secondly, if you truly are "unsure" of what a word means, you should use the typing apparatus on the abysmal machine you're staring into to look it up in the search bar. When you're having a conversation with someone, it's only possible because there's an unspoken agreement that words mean specific things. I mean, people are always like, "Semantics," in like a dismissive, sarcastic tone, but like...semantics is important guys #lol.

Imagine like, someone is trying to have sex with you and you say "NO," and someone has sex with you anyway, and then says, "Unsure of what the word 'NO' means."

I think degrading the importance of meaning is "bullshit." Like, I can't think of any reason why that's positive or good for humanity.

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I don't understand having "talks." Like, "We need to have a talk." A relationship is just "hanging out" and "having sex." It exists for a finite amount of time. Like either one person decides they don't want to "hang out" and "have sex" anymore, or like one person dies. I don't understand the need to like "check in." I don't understand the need to treat a relationship like it's a Facebook and needs constant "status updates." It just like...exists until it doesn't exist anymore, much like life.

It's like...what I'm saying is...the "check ins" and "status updates" will not help you. They will not make the relationship less finite, or ease your anxieties. The only thing I can do is like "hang out" and "have sex" and like talk, but not "have a talk." Like I can communicate with you, but I can't like make you feel things. Like, only you can make you feel things. You can say, "WHAT IS THIS?" or "WHAT ARE WE DOING?" and I can say, "Don't worry. We are 'hanging out.' We are 'having sex.' I like you. Right now, I am here. I like you." That's all I can say.

FUCK IT or FEEL IT, you know? Like...it's so exhausting how everything has to be a long drawn out "thing." Like, passive aggressive, prying "talks" and like competitions to see who gives a shit about who the least. Right now I just want to exist with you.  I just want to play a role in your bedroom scenes.

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Scare quotes IRL:



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Do I seem "suicidal" to you? Because all I wanna do is have some fun, I got a feelin' I'm not the only one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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