Thursday, June 6, 2013
I Have to Return Some Video Tapes
I feel like...almost everyone I know has expressed some like feeling of being, "Dead inside." I sort of feel, "Dead inside," by proxy. Like, "If you can't beat 'em join 'em," lol.
Like, you know when you're first getting to know someone, and you have these conversations about who you like "are" and you want to "best" the other person as far as like being "cool" not giving a fuck about anything. Like one person is like, "Yeah, I haven't felt deeply since childhood. The last time I cried I was like 10." And you're like, "Yeah, I've actually never cried about anything in my life. Even when I was a baby, I have early memories of like feeling numb and staring at my unicorn mobile praying for crib death."
And then you both talk about how you "Don't take anything seriously," are, "Totally not a jealous person," and you're, "Friends with all your exes!" And you talk about sexual fantasies and the guy is always like, "I don't really have any sexual fantasies...I mean I've pretty much done everything, it's whatever, it's amazing how boring sex can be." And then you say something like, "Yeah, haha," and then you like "riff" on that notion for a while, being sure to add that you really haven't, "Been with," a lot of people, but you're totally, "Down," to try new things, "With the right person."
I feel like, next time that happens to me, I'm not gonna like...do that. Next time I'm "getting to know" someone, and they're like, "Yeah, I'm basically an emotional void," I'm gonna be like, "Wow, really? I'm not like that at all. I have TONS of feelings. I'm like, the most emotional person ever. I fall in love really easily, and I have a SUPER bad 'temper' like, I get in fights all the time LOLOLOL. When me and my ex boyfriend were breaking up, we were sitting at the kitchen table, and we'd been drinking a little, and I don't even remember what we were fighting about, but I just started crying and screaming, like, 'YOU'RE EXACTLY LIKE MY FATHER,' and I must have 'blacked out' or something, because I totally like tried to stab him in the hand with this knife, from this set that his mother bought us. Totally hated her BTW, but anyway, he wound up calling the cops! We're totally friends now, though. We laugh about it all the time!"
And like, "Man, I have a lot of sexual fantasies. It's almost like...a type of obsessive compulsive disorder where I have these recurring thoughts of graphic sexual violence. I have fantasies about having my 'intelligence' permanently reduced through grievous bodily injury, like, just being hit in the head over and over again, or like repeatedly strangled nearly to the point of brain death. It's funny though, because, like, I LOVE cuddling."
They have motorized scooters at Walmart now for people who are too like fat to walk/shop for extended time.