Saturday, January 18, 2014

I went out to breakfast and I saw this old dude, must've been like 85, his body was literally shaped like a question mark, and he sat down with an orthopedic back support cushion thing and got a pot of coffee and got all cozy and then he realized he forgot his teeth and had to go home.  Pretty much the most devastating thing I've ever seen.

 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

I feel like some people think that, like, being a total dickhead and like rat fucking all the energy in the room with weird, like, tantrums makes them seem more "legitimate" or something. Like, "Oh, that person must be 'talented' and 'important' cause otherwise they wouldn't be able to get away with being garbage in the form of an animated carcass." I love it.

 

And also this....

Monday, January 13, 2014

Letting your personal and professional relationships deteriorate almost to a point of no return, turning them around at the last possible moment and then letting it happen all over again forever until infinity, basically.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

HIM:

Today 11:01 AM

42 Bear GIFS That Will Give You Life in 2014

http://www.buzzfeed.com/chelseamarshall/the-most-magical-bear-gifs-on-the-internet

Im sorry. This is a 45 yr old mom move, but i need you to see how cute this is

SHE:

Today 1:02PM

Dude. I kept like clutching my chest and like coughing. Like smiling uncontrollably and clutching my chest and coughing. Like i had so many feelings that just materialized as like...coughing

That was out of control. Last night I started thinking about the inside of my body, you know, like, as meat, like a meat carcass being animated by "something" and I started freaking out and looking at pictures of cadavers until I fell asleep and it was so much less intense than looking at those gifs

HIM:

Omg what lolololol

( SENDS VID OF SEA CREATURE)

SHE:

Ugh. God. Sea creatures.

So magical

HIM:

Like, imagine discovering that

SHE:

LOL

No shit

I just like don't like thinking about what's inside of my body. Like, the meats inside my body lol. That's why I'm freaked out by hospitals and blood and teeth and stuff. Like youre just a thing being animated somehow and when you arent animated anymore youre just a meat carcass full of meat and blood lol. I "freak out" sometimes thinking about whats inside of people and I was trying to desensitize myself by looking at pictures of what's inside of people lol.

It worked kind of. Skin should be made of like a clear material so you can just see all that stuff lol

HIM:

Omg that lights up and is translucent

SHE:

Yeah lol

Like jelly sandals

HIM:

Lol Jelly sandal skin

SHE:

Like clear with glitter lol

HIM:

And lights lol

SHE:

Lololol like omg imagine if your organs were lights instead of  types of meats

That would be so much better lol

HIM:

And yr lips and face was translucent with glitter

SHE:

lolololol

Like your heart beat was just like a light blinking on and off

HIM:

And yr tongue was a light and your teeth just looked floating

SHE:

lololol

And your intestines were like those raver glow tubes

I want to build a human out of jelly material and lights lol

HIM:

Can we plz? With a perm

SHE:

Lol

We need like a scientist

I should call R----

HIM:

Call R--- and be like, 'i know it's been a while but I have an important proposition"

SHE:

Like, hey, remember when we used to have violent sex and i would like sometimes take a lot of medication with alcohol and like start crying and scream at you that you're a motherfucker and stuff, and then I told you I didn't want to talk to you anymore because you're an asshole that hates breakfast and like you're not the kind of person I could be 'in a relationship with' only the kind of person I should text 'Are you up? to drunkenly at 3 AM?

I'm really sorry about all of that, I was having a 'manic episode' but NEWAYZ, I've got a proposition for you

HIM:

"As an important scientist this would interest you"

SHE:

ahahahahahaha

"I want to build a cadavar out of lights and jelly sandals and you're the first person I thought of."

HIM:

lololololol

SHE:

I know  you think I'm insane and a sociopath, but I really can't stress enough...this is a GREAT opportunity.

HIM:

"Think of your future"

SHE:

His birthday is coming up, "Hi, happy birthday, I have a proposition for you"

Nah...

HIM:

lololol

SHE:

We gotta find a different scientist, lol.

HIM:

Can we draw it?

SHE:

Yeah, isn't your man going to be a doctor or something? He must know all about anatomy. He can help us, lol. Then we can post an ad on craigslist involving the words "scientist" and "important opportunity"

HIM:

I'll propose it to him over dinner

SHE:

Lol

HIM:

I feel like we should ask A---- to go over the border and propose this to some mexican doctors

SHE:

lolololol

I mean, in reality all this would require is like a picture of a body and like plastic and LED lights, but I want every activity to seem "important" and "sinister" and "clandestine"

God, imagine when we live in twin houses connected by a joint pool and waterslides hangin' out with our plastic light cadaver. What a beautiful future.

HIM:

Lolol

SHE:

Just keep thinking of like the light cadaver swimming in like a scroodge mcduck hidden room full of coins.

HIM:

lolololol omfg can you imagine the cadaver just floating down the lazy river providing light

holding cocktails

SHE:

Also keep having a panicked "what's wrong with me" type feeling wondering why I'm not discussing golf and my stock portfolio and banging bitches without condoms, and why my 'self concept' is that of a straight affluent white man?

Lol

HIM:

Lololol

SHE:

"This week I mainly thought about corpses doing animated things," I thought.

Like, "This week my thoughts were dominated by forcibly animated corpses."

HIM:

And lazy rivers and money

SHE:

Typical. Lololol.

Like thoughts of "floating" floating on rivers/money/teeth floating in mouths, meat, corpses, light corpses, meat corpses.

Bears

Like, my brain is made of like a black hole and the black hole is made of a cauldron and the cauldron is made of violence/meat/meatblood confetti/pornography and childish gifs of like sea monsters, baby animals and fireworks.

HIM:

Thank god tho for real. Imagine thinking about stocks or football or golfsxtooxmuchx

(sans uroclub)

SHE:

I can't imagine that. I always think about...there's this place in WA, well there's the boat parade and then there's the senske lights I've taped them before, I always think about taking people there and like having cocktails, or like 'sucking face' when I think about people I like I think about nauseatingly cute and childish things with them, but then, also, when I really like a person....I feel equally attracted to the idea of like magic and making out in front of Christmas lights and just being really nice to that person until we grow old together and die at the same time, but then, also, I just want the person to like beat in my head with a blunt object until my face is like a black hole full of a blood fountain collapsing in on itself. "Just saying."

What a goose I am!

HIM:

What a goose!!!! How much is the uroclub? Can we get one together?

SHE:

I think it's like $49.95 USD



RELEVANT MEDIA ACCOMPANIMENTS

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CUTE ASS BEARS



STILL OF SEA CREATURE:


SENSKE LIGHTS


CLOVER ISLAND BOAT PARADE


UROCLUB
"In the horrifying calculus of self-deception, the greater the pain we inflict on others, the greater the need to justify it to maintain our feelings of decency and self-worth. Because our victims deserved what they got, we hate them even more than we did before we harmed them, which in turn makes us wish to inflict even more pain on them..."